how much pain... can one person endure?

I let myself..... forget the sacred rules... for just a short time... and I was once again hurt unbearably....

Why? I ask myself.. why... did you forget the rules? It is an alter that I am asking...(DID)... why?? why?? why?? did you allow all of us ... all alters get hurt because you forgot the rules...

No amount of wishing.. is going to make me not be DID... and being DID means... that sometimes.. "MY" life.. is going to be impacted by an alter.. that is within me... someone within me.. that I have no control over... that puts me in the position.. of being hurt... without my knowledge... without my consent... without... just without..

and.. I do want to scream... at her.. and say this is so so so unfair.. that I am feeling unbearable pain for something I did not do...

Yet to the rest of the world... I am unseen... I am not here... the world sees "my whole"... my person... and reacts... to what they see...
they do not see me.. hear me...

my unbendable rules..
1. never, ever trust anyone - not your sister, not your best friend, not your adult son... because in the end.. they will betray you..

2. everyone lies... and they lie to get what they want from you... and they lie to cover up..

3. never make friends.. with anyone... they leave... they die... the pain is not worth it...what you share.. is not worth the pain it brings..

4. charity... people will lie and take your very last dime.. they will use you.. and abuse you.. and you.. are left holding the bag..

5. I am alone... I will always be alone... and God intended for me to be alone... and.. that is that... period.. do not attempt to change... serious damage will be done.. if I do try to change that fact...

6. unacceptable - I am unacceptable in this life.. and should have been terminated as a baby... it would have been kinder to me.. than to have had to go thru as much pain as what I have...

7. I should have had the choice as a child.. to be terminated... or to have to go thru such unbearable pain... that lasts a lifetime.. it isn't fair.. that I was not given a choice...

[Justgiving]

I could reply a lot of things to your post but one thing remains in my mind and that is, I am not you. I can't feel your pain, your sorrows or your regrets.

I can only say that I do hear you. I hear your every word. One thing that I hear the most is your love beneath these words. Something that nobody in this world can't ever take away from you.

Please keep on writing.

[bchlyn]

listening and caring...lyn

[Pita]

(((((Freewill))))))
Your unbendable rules make me weep - most of them are mine too and the pain in them screams out. But you are absolutely not "unacceptable." You are acceptable and worthy and deserving of love, compassion, and consideration. I am so sorry that you have been given such pain. It is not fair, it is not right. But you have so much to offer - so much wisdom, so much love, so much compassion. Safe and warm hugs to you.

[chaotic13]

(((freewill)))

Your post hit home for me. If you don't mind I have a question for you.

When someone shows an interest in you, what is the first thought that enters your mind?

Any type of interest- physical attraction, emotional, simple smile or hello from a stranger, anything that would indicate that their attention was drawn to you. What is the first thing that registers in your mind?

extreme profound fear....

except if the person is a child... under 9 years old... and then it is shared joy.. and fun...

I guess I know a child under 9... won't hurt me.. sounds weird.. I know...

but when I am in the grocery store.. and waiting in line... I entertain the little ones... they laugh... and smile... and I am not scared...

[chaotic13]

(((freewill)))

Mine is more subtle: Fear, followed by ...What do they want from me?

[gibbo101]

Everything you are saying seems to be the same for me. Except i just dont get the fear if someone talks to me. I can intimidate them like mad unfortunetly. I dont mean to do any of this, and i am really trying to stop, but its so hard.

[Justgiving]

"... I entertain the little ones... they laugh... and smile... and I am not scared..."

It is the child who holds the key.

You have much much love in your heart.

[bchlyn]

freewill how are you?

[john4]

I can empathise with you, I, too, have similar views having been sexually assaulted at work 4 yrs. ago, and suffered a massive nervous breakdown since, to the point that now I am petrified to leave my home. I must say that publishing my resultant poetry on the web has been good therapy. I'm politely suggesting you have a look at my poems as they say similar things to your comments.
Log-in to my blog at: http://john4.psychcentral.net/wp (I'm new to this site so I'm literally just finding my way around).
wishing you well . . .

((((((((((((((Freewill))))))))))))))))

I sure am glad you are here my friend. Life is so cruel and unfair, I hear most of what you are saying if not all of it.

All I can say is i am a survivor, i will not let my abusers win ... i have been through hell and back, hurt by people who were supposed to have protected me, loved me ... it left me feeling worthless for so many years .... i am begining to like me for the first time ever and i mean this sincerely if i can do this anyone can .... i'm not strong but i'm gaining strength, i have had any pride in me broken from a very young age, but i am finding it again, please don't think this post is all about me, i am only trying to be positive and give you some hope .... i love you sweetie, you know i am here anytime, anytime at all for you to lean on ..... hugs and lots of care, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxo

[Clandestine]

I can respond to each and every rule you have laid out, both for and against, seeing as I've said those too to myself countless times ;[

But hey, what I can tell you now is... you have a choice now - to go on living or to stop. And I guess you chose the first option, which is good. Hang in there, you can make it to the end of the road. ;]

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>