[dalila]

<font color="green"> I think I have had a breakthrough. I tend to really struggle with anger, either I get scared and cry or panic or I turn it on myself, which usually leads to SI. For many years, I simply refused to feel anger, and buried it as deeply as I could.

Last Monday in therapy, I was echoing my therapist; she had me saying, “It is safe for me to be angry. I deserve to be angry. I am angry at……. “ Well I panicked, choked out, “I don’t know.” We spent the rest of the session on calming techniques. My tummy doesn’t like even remembering this.

Now for the good part, I was thinking about my godparents and all the stuff that had happened – to the point that I was nearly triggering myself. I just got fed up with it all! I remembered my T saying it was time for them to get out of my bed, that I deserved to enjoy my husband without them, and I got mad. My youngest was in the next room, so I didn’t vocalize anything but in my head, I started yelling at them to get out. I cussed at them (I rarely cuss) and continued to tell them off becoming more and more enraged. The mad felt good and I was just steaming. But by chance, I glanced into the mirror, and was startled at how I looked. I realized I had been angry for several minutes and was nowhere near crying. So I sort of looked around inside. No, there was not any fear or shame and I had no desire to hurt myself! I felt a little thrill at that and then was a bit crestfallen that I had lost my first safe anger. But I didn’t lose the benefits of it, I felt lighter somehow and happy.

I walked around for 4 days with a silly grin on my face. I am a bit nervy about doing that again but if I could just vent off all that ugly rage in little safe bits like that would be wonderful.
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[silver_queen]

You made me smile reading that, dalila. I'm glad you are learning to be angry, and I hope it allows you to express your pain and to work through your issues.

[Fuzzybear]

I cut and I am angry.

Need to unlearn both. Long battle

[Fuzzybear]

I have also found it is NOT safe to be angry, both in T and elsewhere.

But a good T can help you to express anger healthily, hopefully.

Fz

dalila,

what a great breakthrough to have! I'd be goofy grinned too after such a powerful release.

you've made this step forward so just remember you've done this........you can keep doing it as you feel ready........we can remind you of how good you felt after expressing that anger safely.

this is a great post for any survivor of abuse to read to know that healing does occur. thanks for sharing with us.