[SweetCrusader]

Ok my turn to talk about my T's homework assignment for me. I have to write a 1/2 page about my background of abuse/neglect/my dad's factitious disorder/etc.

Sounds simple enough. Then why can't I write it?

I'm in denial big time and really don't feel like validating myself

Anyone know what I mean?

[dalila]

<font color="green"> I did something like this by myself -- landed me in therapy. However I started with the positives. I talked about the parent who had not been abusive and about what I knew about their meeting and early days together. There were foreshadowing of the problems to come but then that is how life is. Maybe a running start would help you. You might just make a list -- beaten for sassing; smacked for looking angry etc etc whatever helps you to get it out. Or perhaps your father's illness would be a good place to start. I am not sure what factitous means but i am inclined to think you are saying he didn't have any real illness. Perhaps the real illness was abuse that had been generational?

One last ideal for you -- start out by complaining about how much you don't want to this assignment. Once you allow yourself that much emotional freedom you may find yourself able to do the rest of it.

HUGS hon this stuff is not easy, if it was we would have done it and gotten over it already. </font>

[SweetCrusader]

Thanks! Those are some great ideas!!!

A factitious disorder is when a person fakes an illness for reasons other than financial gain or disability, etc. My dad faked stomach cancer. I believed he was seriously ill for two years before I caught on to him. It really messed with my head!

Thanks again

Angela

[Crazy_Charlie]

I can imagine that must have been confusing! If someone had told me after two years that my father was faking heart problems, I think I would have snapped- gone mad! So many different thoughts are churning around when a close one is sick. I had a very good relationship with my father, but if you didn't, I can imagine it must have been even more thoughts churning around that you woul dhave to rearrange after the knowledge.

Sexual abuse is such a sensitive subject, it is touching some of what we hold dearest- our privacy. It is tickling on the negative feelings we have problems getting rid of, the unfair shame, guilt, and the mixed emotions. It's not really like telling about a "almost hitting a tree accident on ski, only broke my ancle". You did not die, but internal wounds take so much longer time to heal than external.

The cost of being an emotional being, or should we say the burden of the ability to feel happiness? It's such a sad sad thing that human beings keep giving each other eternal wounds. The world is hostile enough as it is.

I hope you manage to write your story, maybe it can make you realize something about yourself and your own feelings around the subject? Sexual abuse is never fair, and it always hurts. What I find worst with it is that it is giving so many sticking feelings of guilt and shame, feelings that does NOT belong to being abused!

Good luck

Charlie

[bethannaTN]

Hi, Angela,

I cried on the way home from work today. . . different from usual turning all of this around and around in my head. I cried. I want to write what I need to write here, and I've been able to write a little. . .and write a forced blurt - but to go through it. . .and feel it. . .all over again - that's agony.

I hope for you and myself both that we can write what we need to write. I need this. I need to heal from it. And I can't heal unless I can begin to get it out and do something with it.

Today was the first day that I actually saw a forum for abuse survivors. Imagine that! I have read each forum several times, and last night went to bed a dissapointed because I didn't quite know where I fit in. Today the forum about jumped off my computer screen - isn't it amazing how your brain doesn't let you see something until you're ready? I'm ready. Just in pain. . . a lot of pain. But I'm going to push forward. I hope you do so as well.

Beth

[bethannaTN]

Dalila, Thank you from me as well, those are some really good ideas.

I'm going to go post my first real post.


Beth

[BethW]

what I've been slowly doing is using loose leaf paper, colored pens and a binder..

I assigned a different color ink to each person who has hurt me.. on a piece of paper I'll start by summarizing the event and dating it the best that I can..

then as I feel the strength to write about it, I put details below.. if another person who has hurt me is in someway involved, I will mention their involvement in their color ink.. I also put a mark in their color ink up top the paper to emphasize that this other person played a part in the incident..

as I finish a paper on an incident, I will add it to my binder chronologically where it belongs..

by not trying to go straight in a time line, I can focus on as much as I feel like I can handle in a day and then place i where it belongs.. and by color coding it all, it makes it easier for me to reference later or for others to quickly be able to understand where things were coming from.. also, since it's a binder, if I find I remember the dates wrong or if I recover a memory I had forgotten, it's easier to put it in it's proper place..

might not be as helpful for one incident, but when you try to tie everything together to put down your history, it can help a lot.. I hope that helps..

~ Beth