[heartbroken_mama]

was allegedly molested by another child (who's about 3 yrs older than mine) several months ago, and I just recently was told about this.

My child is a fun, spunky 3 yr old who doesnt seem to be affected, and when I asked my child about this 'event' - their reply was "No." (no hesitation, no trying to cover anything up, no sign of being uncomfortable...nothing). She goes about her day and plays just as she always does....always smiling and laughing. I have no reason to believe there is a problem. The alleged perp (for lack of a better term) on the other hand has all kinds of issues going on, so I"m really struggling to believe this child when she admitted it to her mom. The mom confronted and asked if she'd done anyting to my child and her reply was that she had. This child rarely tells the truth about anything and i can't help but feel that by the way the isssue was approached, maybe the mom planted the thought into the child's head. She likes to make her mom miserable and does whatever she can to rebel and hurt her mom -- so i just am really struggling.

Has anyone here gone thru anything similar?? I have so many questions and thoughts going thru my head that i can't even begin to sort thru them.

[onlymedid]

I haven't gone through anything similar as I have no children, but even though you are unsure it happened and unsure it may have effected your daughter, I would take her to a therapist for children and might even report it to the police. The other child admitted it, whether truth or not, there needs to be some sort of investigation to get to the bottom of it.

I seriously hope that nothing happened to your daughter. Things may seem fine on the surface, but you never know what may be brewing. If you get her help now (assuming it really happened) then she can work through it.

I still remember things from when I was 3, so it isn't too young to have memories.

IDK, Hope that helps a little?!

BJ

[chaotic13]

IDK, I kind of disagree. Reporting it and getting a small child counseling may make more out of it than what actually happened. If there is any concern regarding possible physical injury, I would see the pediatrician. Maybe take this opportunity to have a nice low key discussion with your 3 year old about good and bad touching while playing with friends. Just to make sure she gets the idea that, if this other child did do something, that she shouldn't repeat it with her or anyone else. Then I would take a wait and see approach, we are talking about 3 and 6 year olds here, right?. By all means either avoid having them play together or restrict play to supervised areas only. I know avoiding can be difficult if they are family or neighbors. Now the other parent seems like she and her daughter may benefit from the counseling. Sounds like she it handling the behavior directly though, maybe just offer positive support to her.

I just wanted to add that I know it is easy for me to see this situation calmly because I am sitting in a 3rd party position. With my own childhood abuse issues floating in the back of my head, I would find this situation difficult to deal with calmly if I were living it. It would likely take me some time to separate the other child's behavior from the child.

Good luck, I'm sure you will make the decision that is best for your daughter.

[heartbroken_mama]

Thanks for your replies, both of you. I really appreciate it. This is such a scary and overwhelming time. And I'm currently pregnant and finding it that much more overwhelming.

We've (ironically) done the little discussion about "private parts" and who they belong to, about 2 months ago or so. Just because I figured the child is so bright I needed to get the ball rolling.

I am at the point where I don't want to get my child any more involved than need be. I dont' want her in counseling or having a million different exams run on her -- especially if nothing happened. It would be so traumatizing to her and I think she'd be worse off. So, chaotic, I do agree. We certainly have no intention of being in that position again and have distanced ourselves from that family.

I, personally, just can't get over the guilt of it all. I never leave my child with anyone -- she's by my side 24/7. And the ONE time I did, this supposedly happened. I can't help but think it's all my fault. And the few ppl I've talked to about it are seriously getting mad at me for blaming myself. And it's really making ME mad that they're mad at me for feeling the way I do. It's how I feel, dammit. I can't seem to find a specific forum anywhere for this type of situation, either. If any of you know of one, please let me know. Thanks!

[sabby]

Just a thought here, but could this be more of a "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" type of thing? Children are very curious little souls. Not every child that has ever been involved with the curiosity factor ends up having issues caused by it.

I understand how you are feeling guilty about the situation. As parents we want to keep our children as safe as possible. At the same token, we also cannot possibly forsee a problem and manage to be there at every turn. You do your best as a mom....and I'm sure you are tougher on yourself than anyone else is right now.....I just hope that you can realize that sometimes despite doing our best....things can happen. I know it's a hard realization to accept....I have been in a similar situation myself. It does stink. I truly hope that your daughter is fine

Take good care.


sabby

[RACEKA]

If you go to a counseling center that deals with children she won't even know it's counseling. They have ways of testing her that she will think are games. They have water toys and sand trays that they can find out if anything happened. I would take her just to be sure. She will think it is fun.

[chaotic13]

Hmmm... Guilt... I know what this feels like.

Although it is hard to accept, no matter how vigilant we are we cannot prevent our children from being hurt or from suffering. We can only help them through it and teach them how to cope with life. I deal with all kinds of guilty feeling when it come to my children. Did I read to them enough? Did I put the in the right day care? Do I play with them enough? Do I allow them to watch too much TV? On any given day the list is endless. You are not alone in your guilt. The most important thing in this situation is that you are being attentive, investigating options before jumping into action, and above all you are keeping the best interest of your child above all other motivations.

I think you placed this thread in the right place. A good place to post on the issue of guilt or other parenting concerns would be in the health parenting thread. I posted there and got some very helpful support for my concerns.

[SingleGirl]

this comes from experience working professionally with children, so please take it as that and not as speaking from a parents' perspective... i might react totally differently if i was a parent of this child...

if it ain't broke, don't fix it...

for many children, the trauma of abuse is multiplied by the investigations that follow the abuse... retelling your story countless times, being re-molested by professionals trying to assess any damage to your frail body, learning more about the human body than you were ready to learn... even with all of the specialists trained to minimize these impacts on children-- there are still a lot of hacks out there who absolutely are doing it wrong... and end up doing more damage to these kids in the name of "justice"

memories are SO fragile and i believe in the research that supports that memories can be created -- that means, if nothing happened, or if something happened that she hasn't even held on to as significant, going through scrutiny and evaluation could put negative associations in her mind with this event, with other girls, with sex, with whatever, whatever, whatever...

I agree 100% with the poster who said to take her to a pediatrician and move from there... there are many kinds of molestation... .penetration to manual stimulation to (like the other poster's said) show me your's and i'll show you mine... you need professional guidance plus your gut instinct to decide whether this is something to pursue or dismiss...

i'm sure I don't have to tell you ...there are potentially huge consequences to both sides of this coin...

also, this will be controversial, but there is a lot of research suggesting that children w/only 1 instance of sexual abuse/molestation end up fairing the best out of all abused children -- that isn't saying that their wouldn't be consequences... just saying that most go on to have normal lives... this research takes into consideration the amount of people who report an isntance of abuse but have never required treatment, have never had a disruption in normal functioning, etc...

i'm not intending to downplay anyone's abuse or minimize their response... just saying that's what some studies have found... for each individual, the outcomes may vary greatly from the averaged findings...

good luck with your decision, i don't have kids, so i can't imagine what i would do... i'm sure it would involve flipping the freak out...

be well!

[Rapunzel]

I have to agree with SingleGirl. No need to create a problem if one doesn't exist. Young children can be very resilient, especially when they have concerned, aware, loving, supportive parents, and regular routines ant things continue as always. If problems become apparent, let the child talk about what she needs to talk about, and validate what she feels.

I'm worried about the older child, who is still a young child too, and apparently has a pretty chaotic life and maybe less than supportive parents. I hope they get some help for her. Children at six don't just rebel and try to hurt their mom, or claim to have molested another child (unless afraid of being punished for lying if she denied it) for no reason. Whether she did it or not, there is something going on there that isn't right.

[fellowtraveler]

"I'm worried about the older child, who is still a young child too, and apparently has a pretty chaotic life...there is something going on there that isn't right"

I agree. Sometimes kids will tell the truth but mix up some of the facts such as who did what to whom (maybe because it feels safer). Perhaps this never involved your daughter at all but someone has done this thing to the other girl. Six year olds who perpetrate sexually on other kids usually have been sexually abused themselves. So hopefully your daughter is right about it never happening. If it didn't as far as she can remember, then that's probably just fine too.

Now it's time to take care of you. Continue to do your best as a parent. Give yourself grace when you make a mistake, and realize that your daughter can learn more from seeing how you handle mistakes and recover than she could if you were always 'perfect.' And if you feel guilty certainly don't feel guilty about feeling guilty! Our feelings are real whether we like them or think they are justified or not. We aren't usually in control of how we feel (otherwise most of us would never be sad, scared or ashamed!). Don't ever let anyone else tell you how to feel.

Accept the feeling of guilt (it may not be justified but if it's not going away, embrace it.) We all have made mistakes and knowing where to go with that guilt is what's important. Ask forgiveness of yourself, your higher power, or anyone else you feel you need to (including your daughter -- but just be generic "... for when I don't make all the right decisions."). Then accept the forgiveness and if you still feel guilty just remind yourself of the facts of the situation, that you have sought forgiveness, that you are making an effort not to repeat any mistakes, that overall you're doing a pretty decent job based on how wonderful your daughter is. Repeat as needed....

If needed, see a counselor for yourself. This whole event may have been more traumatic to you than to your daughter--and that would be to be expected, I would think. Parenting is a tough job. Take advantage of any healthy supports you can get...

Children's resilience is amazing! Keep enjoying your fun-loving daughter! Be there emotionally for her and she'll learn what love is from someone who knows.