[bwkeys45]

I'm sorry if I seem insensitive posting here, but lately I've been having a tough time with memories of some experiences I've had, and I just don't know if I was abused. I've recently come to some revelations about my sexuality and, naturally, am now totally interested in dating again after thinking I was just going to be alone forever. However, every time I take a step forward I get knocked two steps back. A little over a year ago I was in my first relationship. It was with my best friend, a boy, and I agreed because 1. I thought that by 16 I should have had a boyfriend already, and 2. I was terrified of losing him as a friend. As you can imagine, he was way more into the relationship that me- telling me he loved me, talking about the future with me, etc. I thought it was because of my mental illnesses that I didn't love him as much as he loved me, but now I'm starting to understand the whole "I like girls" thing. Anyways, along with with wanting more emotionally from the relationship, he wanted more physically, too. I've never been a very physical person but, of course, I let him do what he wanted. He kissed my neck, he touched my chest, he touched my butt, he grabbed my hips, he made out with me over, and over, and over again, but I never said "no". He said things to me like "You're a coward." and "All your friends hate you." and told my friend he was going to trick me into eating weed brownies so I would "loosen up". He wasn't a stupid guy, and I don't think he meant to hurt me as much as he did, but it hurt all the same. I understand that I am young and naïve, but I feel violated even a year later. I get flashbacks of him touching me and convincing me that I was a terrible person. I hate to sound like a cry-baby or oversensitive, but I feel like I've been abused. I guess my question is, is it sexual abuse/assault if I didn't say no and he didn't actually rape me? Is it emotional abuse or is it all in my head?

[GirlOfManyFaces]

I'm sorry that he hurt you. I have a similar situation as you so you are not alone in this.
I'm not sure legally what qualifies as abuse and not. But personally I think whatever you are forced into should count as abuse. If you didn't want to speak up because you feared for your safety, then yes I think it is abuse. But that is my opinion which doesn't count for anything.
((Hugs)) I hope you can find the answers you are looking for. And if you need my feel free to send me a message

[Yoda]

I don't know if it matters what label it has as much as recognizing that it was unhealthy for you and that the way you were treated was troublesome. Have you shared these feelings with a T?

[krisakira]

My therapist recently told me a word they use for that, and it is called coercion. I didn't understand if it was actually considered rape on a mental level even if it wasn't legally, but it's still bad in my book.

[krisakira]

Oh but by the way, that IS emotional abuse.

[Yoda]

bwkeys45, do you often have trouble setting healthy boundaries with friends and family?

[eskielover]

I was thinking along the lines of Yoda.......When our parents don't teach us the healthy sexual boundaries of SAYING NO & MEANING IT along with parents helping their kids know what situations NOT to get into......it actually goes back to what kids have been taught about abstinance & not even going into situations. If you have sound values to base your actions on & you have the self confidence that you are right....then it doesn't matter what crap the guy says.....& it's not likely that they will be able to coerce you into things you know inside is the wrong thing to do....but without foundational values to base it on.....you have no foundation at all to use for your own protection.

Some parents claim now unimportant & how brainwashing it is to teach kids moral values during their growing up years...& let them figure it out on their own.....but then it's like letting the sheep go to the wolves without a shepard to protect them & no way to protect themselves.

If you weren't taught the moral values of abstinence & understanding of not even messing around in that way, it's probably not your fault that you weren't even taught what your boundarieds should be. How can you enforce boundaries you don't even know should exist? Even though internally I think we know by instinct....but now that society makes everything about sex, it makes it even more difficult to stick to boundaries if you know what they should be.

It's as much failure of parents as it is anything else.....but obviously some parents do take on the responsibility & have kids that rebel at it.

Sometimes we just have to use the bad situations that come into our lives as the learning experience we would have better off learned by being taught rather than by experience....sometimes we don't get that choice & just have to do the best we can.

[ThisWayOut]

I would call that abusive and coercive, but I do not think it meets the legal defenition of rape or assault. I had a very similar situation with my first real boyfriend at that same age. I protested a bit at first, but I had always been taught to just make people happy (child abuse survival 101: please the person that has the power). He did end up raping me on multiple occasions, but there were a lot of other emotionally abusive and coercive situations from him as well. It's not necessarily a morality thing or an abstinance thing. Sometimes fear compells us to go along with somethign we don't necessarily want. The fact that he made you feel like crap for not going along with things is abusive.
I didn't figure out my sexuality (at least didn't totally admit it to myself) for another 6 years after the "encounters" with my first bf. It explains a lot for me not really wanting anything to do with him sexually, though i was also "young" and knew I really wanted nothing to do with anyone sexually at that time. I went along with it because he made similar comments. He called me a prude, and eventually used force...
I'm sorry you experienced that. I would suggest looking into talking to a therapist about it also, or reachign out to RAINN.org, or a local sexual assault counseling center (they are often free and confidential).

[eskielover]

I guess that's the difference not growing up around child abuse.....I knew what my moral values were & I didn't give a crap what anyone called me....I had enough confidence in myself to KNOW exactly what I was willing to get into or NOT & no one was going to push me to do anything that I wasn't willing or didn't want to do without one huge fight & they would be on the loosing end....& they knew it.

That is definitely the difference between those who don't grow up having to know child abuse survival 101: please the person that has the power.

I was taught if that power goes against your own moral values fight it like hell & knock the crap out of them if necessary if they refuse to listen to you. I probably would have been killed fighting if I had ever been in some of the situations that others have been in. I was lucky also in that I never ended up in situations like that either.....I never had a serious BF because I refused to allow any relationship to go in that direction before. I had lots of guy friends who were really wonderful but that's what they were & that's what I wanted & believed was right until I finally ended up finding the guy I got married to.

It really does show up the damage that child hood abuse really does & how it makes a difference throughout life.

[ThisWayOut]

I think your point about the differences in the way a child brought up in a more healthy environment vs a child brought up in an abusive environment speaks a lot also to why child abuse survivors tend to find themselves in abusive situations many times in life: we were never allowed to fight for ourselves. We often don't figure out until much later that hurtful and scary situations are not normal, and that we do not need to tolerate them. I felt so stupid when I finally figured out in college that all much of what I went through growing up was not right. I knew I felt like crap before hand. I knew I created a lot, but I was never aware of my own self - worth. I had no clue that I had the right to fight my first bf, refuse his advances, and that he should have stopped at that point. You were very lucky to grow up knowing to stand up for yourself, and knowing that you would not be destroyed for it... child abuse sucks. All abuse sucks, but child abuse can really **** a person up for a long time. :/

[bwkeys45]

Thanks for all your input. For Yoda, yes I do have trouble setting boundaries with people because I live to please others. I put a lot of energy into making other people happy and often forget about myself. I was never abused as a child, as far as I know, but I have always been very fearful and "soft" when it comes to anger and standing up for myself. I honestly don't know what caused that, though, because my up-bringing was relatively healthy from what I remember. I haven't brought any of this up with my therapist, but I'm thinking now that I should.