[daffadil]

I have never been sexually abused, or abused in any way for that matter, and maybe that is why I'm having such a problem with this. Long story short, my step-sister was abused for 7 years by her step-brother on the other side of her family. (no relation to me) I was the one who finally told about the abuse when we were 12. It started when she was 5. (we're now in our late 20's) My problem is that 15 years ago, the molester (who is her mother's husband's son) admitted to it after being charged and convicted, and because he was a minor at the time (17) he never got any help. Now, 15 years latter, my sister still deals with him all the time. Her mother won't even admitt it happened, she says it was just childhood experimenting. Six months after it happened, everyone was acting like it didn't happen. My sister sat across the breakfast table from him. SHE LIVED WITH HIM!! Now the molester is in his thirties and is engaged to a woman with a child. He is going to do it again. I wrote his soon to be wife a letter to tell her about his past, and how he never received treatment because everyone else says it's not there place to tell her. (Including my sister) There are children involved here. It's everyone's place. My sister doesn't want to talk about it and it's actually caused us to become distant. I want her to get help too, she's never really gotten therapy for it, and she has many problems today because of the abuse. (I believe). How can I make her confront it and get help for herself?

[mj14]

The sad truth is, many families do not want to acknowledge sexual abuse within the family. My brother, a doctor, told me of a patient who was in his 70's, and had molested many female members of the family since he was a young man, yet his family refused to report the most recent incident to the police. Even knowing that this man continued to be a danger to others in his family.

I think you did the right thing to send the letter to his fiancee...how she chooses to handle the information is her own issue (she may ignore it like his family does), but you at least know you did what you could, and she has been warned.

As for your sister, you cannot make anyone get help. I would recommend that you talk to her, and focus on the fact that you love her and don't want to see her in pain or suffering. Bring up the problems you notice, and suggest that talking to a therapist might help with these problems. You can even offer to help her find one and get an appointment. I would focus on your trying to help her with the problems she is having now, and steer away from the abuse as much as possible. Since she doesn't want to face it, if you bring that up as the reason, then it might drive her away from therapy. Once she gets into therapy, and starts to deal with her present problems, then maybe she will feel like she can deal with her past.

You are a very caring sister to be so concerned. But the key thing to remember is, all you can do is suggest, you cannot make her do anything. If, after you have offered her your advice and support, she still does not want help, I would recommend leaving at alone, at least for awhile...based on what you have said, she absolutely needs you in her life, to be on her side.

Good luck.
*hugs*
mj

[bptoo]

I agree with mj here, you did the right thing in sending the letter. At the very least, you gave the wife to be the option of looking into his past to see if this is true. But don't be surprised if your letter goes completely ignored. Even in this day and age, many families choose to ignore this horrible act and hide it away like it never took place. I was abused by my Grandfather from the age of three until I was 14. But it is never discussed among the family. In fact, whenever he is brought up in conversation, he is talked about like some kind of saint. When this happens, I just walk away.

I commend you for the love and support you are showing in this matter. But the only thing you can do is to let her know that if she should ever want to seek help, you'll be there for her. I hope and pray, as I'm sure you do, that's it's before the children have to pay a price.

My thoughts and prayers go with you,

bptoo

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

[flier]

Yes, you did do the right thing. I know it must be very hard to understand not having experienced it yourself. I was sexually and physically abused. The physical abuse was wtih my father and my family just brushed it off...and it's so easy for me to convince myself that I'm making too big of a deal out of it. As for the sa...well, I've never done anything about it. I know I wasn't the only one...and I know it happened in his family (it was a family friend)...and it may still be going on. It's just soo hard for me. I told my sister b/c she was going to bring her son over there...but that's it. I'm constantly battling whether it did happen or I'm just crazy. I can understand her...but that doesn't make it right. I'm proud of you for doing what you did.

~flier

[Dias]

*Hugs*

Why Fear Im Here

[daffadil]

Thank-you all for your replies, I just feel that there's something more I should be doing. I have a child the same age as the wife to be, and it makes me crazy to think that she's not going to do anything about it. As one reply said might happen, my letter has gone without action. I just don't understand. If I knew my child was in the path of a molester, I would move the earth to get him out of there. I keep wondering if she got the letter, or maybe she thinks I'm an ex-girlfriend trying to cause trouble. I want to call her. I need to do more. What if she never got the letter, he could of opened it. (They live together). I know there is only so much I can do, but I just don't feel that I've done enough. As for my sister, I agree that I can not make her get help. I've tried in the past, and I believe she will never get it. Which I find very sad, and frustrating. But there's nothing more I can do for her except be there. Which is not easy, because we've grown distant. I could use some advice on how much to push with the wife to be.
thanks