[Avaa]

If you have read my first post here, you'll know that I had a very mean stepmother growing up. I sometimes worry that I will be the same way to any children that i might have in the future. Do you ever worry about that? I certainly wouldn't want to put a child through that, and it has gotten to the point where I honestly don't know if I ever want children, because I have no idea how to be a mother to them.

I was just curious if any of you have dealt with this and ended up doing just fine, or the opposite.

[SweetCrusader]

You know, I think we all have that worry at one point or another- that we won't know how to handle kids. But the thing to remember is that no one is in control of your behavior but you. And also getting some therapy to heal your own hurts will help with that.

I'm a psychology major and I've seen the statistics. The vast majority of people who are abused do NOT go on to abuse their own children.

I hope that helps!

[lenjan]

My siblings, when they started having kids, raised them the exact opposite of the way we were raised, and all of those kids (9 of them, among 4 sibs) have turned out beautifully!

Candy

[kimmydawn]

I can only speak of personal experience on this one.

I was abused for the entirety of my childhood...in many ways...to the point that I don't remember a vast majority of it (defense mechanism). I am the mother of two girls (22 & 17). The oldest is a college grad with a degree in psychology and the youngest is a junior in high school. They are both well adjusted and doing well. I was and am a good mother. And, for the past two months and from here on out, I am raising my 25 mo. old nephew.

The reason I was/am a good mother is I remembered to childhood and found the things that made me feel bad and DID NOT do those things. The things that hurt mentally and physically were not repeated with my children. Oh, the capability was there to say cruel things, but I always had the "stop and think" and did not repeat them.

You will do fine and I know this because...if you are concerned enough to answer this question, you are concerned enough not to repeat the abuse. You realize it was abuse and have the "stop and think" not to repeat it...you're already using the "stop and think" with this post.

When you're ready, I think you will do fine. It will be a struggle at times and you'll have to muster up some pretty amazing emotional strength to turn and walk out of the room before opening your mouth, but you will do it because you care enough not to...for children that aren't even born. I applaud you for caring now. I hope you do (for yourself) get some therapy and heal these wounds...you deserve it. We all do.

I wish you well. Be safe,

Kimmydawn

[ktp]

Avaa:

I can relate to your post. I was abandoned by my mother at age 4. Didn't see her again until I was 8 and then I suffered physical and mental abuse from her until I moved out at 16. I only lived with her for three years, from age 13-16, anyway, I lived with my dad who was involved with my first stepmom when I was 4 until I was 12 and she was very distant. She had two children of her own and they always got special treatment and we got very little. My second step-mother entered the picture at age 14 and she was nice and okay and tried to be my friend but then she hated me because "I looked like my mother". So..what can you do? I looked sort of like a person that I hate and wish wasn't my mother, so punish me some more why don't ya.

So, I was petrified when I had my first child. I had no idea how to mother. Really. I'm learning as I go still, but my kids are great. I have three. Ages 11,8 and 6. They are all great spoiled rotten well-adjusted HAPPY children, and boy is that a switch from what I was at their ages! It's just pretty much I take the things that were taught to me as a child and I do the opposite. I believe Candy said it. I agree with her. Also , don't repeat the mistakes your parents made by making comments. Children deserve doting and love and affection and the priviledge of trusting the adults around them, the ones they love the most.

Just my two cents.
I think you don't have to worry about it.

Take Care,
Kimberly.

[PlanningtoLive]

I've made sure that I don't do any of the same things with my son that my parents did with me. Course, my parents love telling me how I'm not raising my son right, like "you were raised"........heck, then I'm glad it's all wrong.

My son is very comfortable with me, we communicate, and he knows how well loved he is - he's a very special person and I tell him that all the time.

You'll do fine, I'm sure.

[bethannaTN]

I worried. But I think that worry made me a better parent. I really worked hard to make sure that I wasn't like my mother with my children. At first I was overly cautious and didn't discipline at all - quite the opposite and not a good thing. I had to learn how to discipline with love and with limits - but difinetly to discipline. It was one of the harder things for me to learn because I was afraid to do anything that might bring me to that place of abuse. Discipline with anger is soooo dangerous - and that was my key. If I got angry, I took my own time out and calmed down first, then approached the child with an anger free stance. That was the key for me.
I finally felt safe to discipline - and they grew up with out abuse. I was thankful for the people who helped me and guided me in raising my children. There were many of them!

Beth

[Avaa]

ktp-- My mother basically left my life when I was a year old. She didn't want a child, so she gave full custody to my father. I saw her maybe 15 or 20 times (about once a year) from that time til I was about 19. My stepmother also resented me because I was a reminder of my father's love for another woman.

[ktp]

Avaa:

I am so sorry that you went through that. Its very hard to know that your mother doesn't care enough to hang around. It'll now be their cross to bear. I know now, but not at the time, that it was my mother's fault and not mine. As a child, I blamed myself. I must've been bad for her not to love me. But then, it just sorta hit me one day, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I use that phrase alot (Ozzie beat it into my head. lol.) when I think about my childhood abuse.

Oh stepmothers are very bad sometimes. Not all of them, but apparently we have something in common, and unfortunately ours were. It's so hard to know that someone dislikes you because of something you cannot control. My stepmother #2 is still around and is now trying to mend a relationship with me (I'm 27) and I am thinking of letting her. I have nothing to do with my mother unless she turns into a child and needs something. The roles switched with her long ago, but that is a very long and ugly story

I've just been really gunshy about trying to strike up new relationships with the same people that last time around were so horrible. Life is too short and I plan to live mine as peacefully and as happily as I can.

I am so very sorry. I want to give your inner child a big mega squishy SAFE hug, if you don't mind hugs.
(((((((((((((((((((Avaa and her inner child)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sending good healing thoughts your way.
Take Care,
Kimberly.

[Malady156]

I'm not touching this thread with a ten foot pole. (*puts down 20 foot pole and walks away*)

[SylverFlames]

I worry about it a lot actually. To the point where I probably won't ever have children, because I'd be scared to even put them through a portion of what I went through. I know I have a temper, that at times is very hard to control, which I get from my father (who was my abuser) and I also have a very similar personality to him. And I couldn't put a child through what I had to deal with. So I decided long ago that I was better off just not having children. Better not to take the risk than to do so and mess up a person's life.

[Bummy]

I worried about it greatly. I was verbully abused and I still am by my father. I worried that I would do the same thing to my kids. Well.... I have a four year old and I have never done to her what my father did to me. I think you mentally set it in your mind that you don't want to do to your kids what your parents did to you. I never stood up to my father untill one day, my daughter was then one and a half, he called her stupid. I freaked out. I started yelling at him like there was no tomorrow. I told him it was one thing to do it to me and my brother and sister but he was NOT going to do it to my daughter. I grabbed my daughter and we left. Since then he has treated me and my daughter better. I don't think he even knew what he was doing! I hope this helps!

[emwell]

I never had kids. fear was one reason why. Selfishness being another. My pets are treated like GOLD. My dogs are sound on sleep on their own couches as I type. My psychotic cat has three rooms to herself. Deep down I know I would be an awesome Mom. Shoot I don't even know if I was abused and I am afraid I am capable of it sometimes. Well maybe not capable, but extremely careful of my interactions.

I so would love to be a Mom. But I have to fix me first and I figure by the time I do that, it will be too late.

[emwell]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish I had read this before I posted. But then again, I probably wasn't suppose to read it first.

This was my favorite part.... </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You will do fine and I know this because...if you are concerned enough to answer this question, you are concerned enough not to repeat the abuse. You realize it was abuse and have the "stop and think" not to repeat it...you're already using the "stop and think" with this post.

When you're ready, I think you will do fine. It will be a struggle at times and you'll have to muster up some pretty amazing emotional strength to turn and walk out of the room before opening your mouth, but you will do it because you care enough not to...for children that aren't even born. I applaud you for caring now. I hope you do (for yourself) get some therapy and heal these wounds...you deserve it. We all do.

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