My Dad, the Emotional Abuser!!

All of the decades of emotional abuse that my sister and I have discussed are now coming full circle! Our Mom has put up with this man for going on 60 years, and here is what she got. Out in the country with steps to get in the house, a laundry in the basement, filling a wood stove for heat. She has osteoarthritis and osteoporosis, her vertebrae in her neck are collapsing, her right shoulder is shot, and her left hip, that she has had three replacement surgeries on, probably is fractured, and she is in pain. Dad spends his days worrying about his slum rentals while she struggles to just get along. They can well afford to move to town where she could be in a ranch style home to help her out, but he is being his selfish, self centered, cruel self, and is making her feel guilty for wanting to give up acres that they cannot deal with and care for any more. I, and my sister, and my sister in law and my husband are so angry with him. My Mom is going to end up in a wheel chair soon, and he is off doing what he wants to do. He is a selfish bastard!!!!! I am so angry!

When my parents are having problems it frustrates me because I feel like I can do nothing about it--I feel powerless. It is very frustrating. My family is different, my mom tends to abuse my dad. I wish I had some answers for you, but I really don't. I just try to distance myself from it. I love both of them--even though I get angry at my mom. One time I talked with my dad about it and he said "I am an adult and it is my choice." Oh, that frustrated me so much! He even knows he is being abused and still tolerates it. It is a tough situation to be in...you're not alone.

It's hard to look at another's relationship, especially a marriage and understand what's going on and why. I got a little clue after my mother-in-law died (I never knew her, she died suddenly when we had just started dating but she knew about me) from conversations I had with my father-in-law about the marriage.

It does not sound like your mother sees it the same way you do. One thing I'd offer too, it's very hard to move from your home you're "use to" when you're older, no matter what. I'm only 56 and my husband, 63 but we recently moved from our home of 20 years and I found that hard! I can't imagine if I were older. I watched my parents/stepmother not give up their house until "forced to" and then they were bitter about it and unhappy, etc. It's hard to know how to help older parents.

Your post has hit a cord in me.

I am not in your position but in your mother's position. I wonder what my 3 children really think of my relationship with their father. I am not physically ill though and I'm even in a pretty good shape for my age.

I always think that whatever I do I must not in anyway hurt my children.

So I'm wondering and thinking and thinking.

We, as the children, now 57, 56, and 51, feel like we have really missed a lot because our Dad was so self-centered. He was so emotionally abusive, and was so awful with our Mom. He still is! At times, I felt anger towards her for putting up with it, when she could have found a better life for all of us. It was not to be, and this is what we have left. The years just go by so fast, and we all need to make the most of what we have. We always had a warm home, and plenty of food, and what we needed, but we didn't have the emotional support!! That is so important to kids! Mom was always trying to keep things smoothed out so Dad wouldn't throw his temper tantrums. What a life!! I don't let anyone bully me like that. I just say, look we need to talk about this. I am not going to be miserable.