My therapist has made several comments that I have a fantasy bond with my mother or family. What exactly is this and what does it mean (how does it affect me). How do you get rid of it?

Thanks!

[SweetCrusader]

Hmmm... not sure I have heard that term. I don't know the context in which it was used, but if I were to take a stab in the dark at it, I would guess she's saying that you sometimes live in denial about the reality of your relationships with them. Like maybe you have convinced yourself that things are better than they are, or that you are closer (more bonded) to them than you are.

Does that sound like maybe it's close to what she means?

If not, could you tell us more about the context? I'm intrigued...

Angela

That sounds right. Yeah. I defend my parents allot in therapy. I left my first therapist b/c she talked badly about my mom.

[Fuzzybear]

I don't know... I think therapists are sometimes wrong when they deny people's reality.... especially if they don't do it in a kind or gentle way. My former T said to me that he thought I would defend my parents and say "they weren't that bad" ... but later on he got fed up with me expressing anger and said he had no empathy towards me .... because I didn't have empathy for them ???!! (amongst other reasons.... I guess my T and I just wound each other up)
Don't take too much notice of my ramblings, most therapeutic relationships work out pretty well I have been told.

Take care,
A sleepy and fuzzy brained bear

[SweetCrusader]

EV,

I can relate to that. My T doesn't say bad things about my parents or anything, but when I contradict myself, she points it out. She doesn't let me live in denial.

For me, this denial often stems from not wanting to face the reality of certain parts of my past, because with that reality comes a lot of pain -pain that I don't know how to process. But also, I seem to have a real need to invalidate myself! And I think that contributes to my sometimes rose-colored perceptions of my relationships.

I personally appreciate my therapist very much for helping me face the reality. She doesn't get caught up in sharing her "opinions" too much (although she's human, so some seep out of course!), but she is good at reminding me of the facts when I want to not face them, or paint smiley faces on top of everything. Ya know?

One thing it has helped me with, is coming to terms with my parents AND their limitations. When you get to a point where you can recognize and accept your parents' shortcomings, then you can adjust your expectations of them accordingly and get hurt a LOT less. Make sense?

And, Fuzzy, it sounds like your old T screwed up. That's the bottom line. He did more than use confrontation with you to help with denial- he invalidated you and that is very NOT good.

Angela

Apparently it is a book called Fantasy Bond.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...21507?v=glance