[xylia]

I'm beggiining to think this is all my fault... that it's all in my head. That I don't deserve my great parents.

My mom... was always very emtional. As a young child, I can remember her saying, you have to love yourself first... but I never got it. She was always hanging over me. When she said I love you, I didn't care. A hug was an uncomfortable squeeze. Affection, love... I just don't get it. I never did. She would always tell me all her troubles and I quickly became her "best friend" at the age of 8. Whenever I did something she didn't like, she would yell and scream at me... but it's still my fault.

My dad was always gone on buisness trips. I didn't actually meet him properly until I was about 6. I also, never attached to him. He was an agry, brooding sort of person, that was quick to point the finger of blame at someone else. He didn't talk much, and he didn't show affection... the way I preferred it, but at the same time it made me a little sad. When I got older, he used to yell at me, and call me names, and swear. My grades were good, I didn't complain, I was just too emtional, and a girl. I often remember hiding, hoping that he wouldn't hit me. Not that I ever remember him hitting me, It's just a feeling.

My brother was happy and sociable. He had lots of friends, and lots of parties, and played sports. Matthew was their "perfect child". He was also a boy. While I had no friends, no extra-curricular activities. I was hard to raise, and I just didn't understand why my life sucked. I didn't understand why I didn't "fit in". Later, though, when my brother was attending university, he got the same treatment, of having nothing good said to you, of not being appreciated.

By the age of 9, I was beggining to suspect anyone and everyone. I trusted nobody. Anybody could hurt me. Everything anybody said had an underlineing meaning for me. I guess it was my way of dealing.

But it's my fault, that this happened, because they were good parents too. They laughed, and said I love you, but I never felt they cared. Their negative actions just stuck so clearly for me. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I just couldn't do better. That I'm even posting this. That I suck in so many ways! That I couldn't just be a normal kid! That I'm a girl.

Thank-you.

(((((xylia)))))

You shouldn't beat yourself up for being who you are!

Honestly from what you posted, your parents may have loved you, but they also had alot of characteristics that would definately make them less then ideal and harder to attatch too.

[reddevil]

(((((((Xylia))))))))

Like Kaika said, don't be sorry for being you. Be sorry for the things you've done wrong (because all of us have).. but never, ever be sorry for being you.

Your parents don't seem like they showed their love for you very well at all.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by xylia

My mom... was always very emtional.

She was always hanging over me. When she said I love you, I didn't care. A hug was an uncomfortable squeeze.

She would always tell me all her troubles and I quickly became her "best friend" at the age of 8.

Whenever I did something she didn't like, she would yell and scream at me....

My dad ... I also, never attached to him. He was an agry, brooding sort of person, that was quick to point the finger of blame at someone else. He didn't talk much, and he didn't show affection... When I got older, he used to yell at me, and call me names, and swear.

By the age of 9 ... I trusted nobody. Anybody could hurt me. Everything anybody said had an underlineing meaning for me.

I'm sorry ... That I'm a girl.

Xylia, your parents might have had some good points but what you write above is harmful and it harmed you. It wasn't your fault because you were the child...

About you not enjoying your mom's hugs, some people just need more physical space than others and this is their right and it needs to be respected. You might have also not wanted your mother to hug you because you were angry with her or because she was already smothering you emotionally with her emotional neediness. Which brings me to the point that when a parent turns a child into an adult friend this is always harmful. Parents are supposed to be parents. Adults are not supposed to be leaning on their children for emotional support.

I can see how you grew up not trusting others because of what you have described about the relationships that you had with your parents.

There is sexism in many cultures and subcultures. Do you think that you were treated differently because you were a girl?

[xylia]

(((((((((all of you))))))))

I've always regretted who I am...

I guess sometimes I think that if I weren't a girl, nothing would have happened... because I watched my brother get treated much differently than I was. I like my brother though. I don't think I could talk to him about anything serious, but he always makes me feel better when he's around, and at the same time a bit sad, because I'm reminded of how different we are. I don't know....

Thank-you.

[Sannah]

Hi Xylia, I hope you learn to love yourself because this is one of the keys to mental health...... (and you deserve to be loved by you too!)