damaged forever... for all of my life...

I pray... that you all will just let me express my pain... it has to go somewhere.... I can't "hold" it right now... it is overwhelming to me right now...

I am tired... I have almost made it thru the weekend... I asked myselves.. "did we have any fun, any joy, any contentment... any anything"...

and the answer is no..

I have struggled... for a long time now... about therapy... and the T's firm conviction that I can be "fixed"...

Wow.. I have heard that for 23 years... and yet... here I am.. struggling.. and struggling...

I am tired of being DID....I am tired.. of having an eating disorder.. and I am very tired of having alters that have OCD....

I think... the "capper".... for me.. has been my therapist.... the last 2 sessions... he left his cell phone on - and it rang.. it just hit me like a ton of bricks... wow... I am not even worth 45 minutes of... uninterrupted.. time.... we almost had to peel me off the ceiling.. it scared me so bad...

My alters made a pact... we are working on it.. now.. as I write this... in two.. months time.. we simply... will not be on this earth..

We are getting "affairs" in order... for our son...

We... went thru.. so many funerals... 8 in 2 years.. and settling the estates... saddened us so greatly..

These.. men.. women.. in their 80's.. 90's... and the stuff.. all the stuff.. to be sorted.. to be cleaned.. to be gone thru... Goodwill.. Salvation army... dumpsters... gifting to the needy...the legal papers... the titles to vechicles.. to be found... the World War vets - their flags.. the taps.. at the funerals.... looking at them... so so so old....

We.. just cannot bear our son.. to have to do that with our estate..

You know.. we would say my father.. my pedophile.. and my ex-husband...finally, finally won... because we give up.... but... it just really doesn't matter anymore....

They all took my life... many years ago.... so.. they had already won - I just didn't know it..

[xylia]

Oh freewill, I don't know what to say.

(((((((((((((freewill)))))))))))))))

[MINIME]

Freewill, please call your therapist. I dont like the message of your post. It is troublesome. I know that things seem so hopeless but please know that you have been seen and heard today and I want you to post and talk. Please.

[SpottedOwl]

(((((((freewill))))))

I hear your pain.
Let it out. You don't need to hold it inside anymore.

I hope you are safe, and caring for yourself. Definitely let T know how he can care for you better. The cell phone would make me jump too! You *do* deserve to have 45 minutes and a whole lot more.

I want to say more...I don't know you that well, but I feel your pain and I care.

Please be safe.

[RACEKA]

That was rude of T to have his cell phone on unless he was expecting an emergency and then he should have explained to you before the session. He could have had his phone on vibrate. That had nothing to do with you.

That's good planning to get your affairs in order for your son. That will be one hurdle over with. It's nothing to look forward to.

Your abusers did not win. Your still in there fighting. You may not be cured from the problems they caused, but you can learn how to cope with them the best you can to continuing living life and smiling back at them. They are the losers and they will pay dearly for what they have done.

A lot of us survivors are in pain. The bad days are gone. Now we just have some days that are better than others. Just take one day at a time and keep putting one foot in front of the other. The work is tiresome.

I do feel your pain and I'm here for you. Let's become friends and meet somewhere in time and have lunch!

Take care.

Race

[bchlyn]

(((((((freewill))))))) the most important thing you can do for your son is take care of yourself... i know how hard that is, because we are so use to taking care of others... and our abusers have taken advantage of that... i know that right now it feels like our abusers have won... i am in that place too... but i don't believe that for you... you are stronger then you realize... you have been there to help pick me up when i was in the most desperate place i have ever been... you have encouraged me and helped me stay safe... if they had won you wouldn't have been able to do those things... please stay safe... i care about you...lyn

[thelostone]

((((((((((freewill))))))))))

please be safe sweetie, you have been there for me several times as you have for so many others here. we love you and want you to be alright. please don't give up.

lost