dream

i dreamt that a dr.i know to be very safe touched me wrong during a medical appointment. this person touched me and i broke down crying, covered my face with my hands and said "i'm having a panic attack". then dreamt this dr. took me my the shoulders, shaking me. then tied me to the tilted exam table with a velcro vest.
I really do have an appointment with that dr. tomorrow. i know none of those things will happen.... but i did have a panic attack last time. now i'm scared to go.

Hola Kiya! Todo va a estar bien!!

((((((kiya))))))

...ummm.... every... he/she/ you go.... at/in/to/on....this....good...
time to use the google translator....
oh - "everything will be fine". Gracias! i will have to believe you.

eh....
Gracias - voy a tener que confiar en ustedes!

Kiya

It will be ok Kiya.

You know this doctor is safe.

((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))
It will be okay, I will be sending good thoughts to you hun.
Let us all know how it goes okay?

yeah -i do. i just can't find my voice when i need to tell her i am not feeling safe.

and i wonder too, who really did touch me - that i am hiding it with the face of someone safe . this has happened before in flash backs.... i knew the deed, but not the person. i had covered the face in my mind.

Thanks, silver. it really is simple too - an osteopath who helps get my back into place. and she knows it can be difficult for me. Benedict the stuffy armadillo from T always goes with me. I feel like giving up on the medical community. on me. on this body that will never heal. not give up - quit life...but give up caring and trying to change things.

Kiya.. can you write out a short, less detailed explanation, so she knows how you feel, and a little bit of what has happened?

Do you have a therapist who can help you on that issue?

hmmm... dunno. if i did it would probably look like "i'm scared to be here, i don't think i'll ever heal, i'm tired of trying, and last time i had a mini panic attack. now a bad dream. i'm done. i'm quitting therapy and my md, and here too.... sorry.... c'ya."

=(

Try and write one that doesn't say that.

You don't have to give it to her, or finish it if you really can't write it. But see if you can.

((((((kiya)))))) sometimes (right now as a matter of fact) when a piece of the puzzle is about to come together .... my flashes are really intense... and i can see and feel what they did to me... but i can't see their face... sometime i only know who hurt me because i know what house i was in... or how my body responded...if i was a child, a teen or an adult... don't give up... maybe this puzzle piece will be the one... that will bring some balance... you know?...lyn

((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))

Keep fighting hun, You can do this, don't give up, sometimes are always hardest before the calm. You are strong and I believe in you and so does everyone here. Keep Bendict near and give him a good squeeze if you need to. I am here if you want to talk, always. Sending lots of peaceful thoughts and gentle hugs to you. You can do this, change is possible.
Lots and Lots of love
Silver

=( but that's the truth. i do think i should quit... at least MD because i think that this body isn't gonna heal. and that i can't keep up with the excercises and good posture when I can't stay "kiya". the other alters don't know, don't get it.

yes.... a good point - i know this to be true for me also. both wanting the puzzl piece, and not wanting to have to go through it. like the flu right before you throw up... not wanting to.... the horror (for me) around it.

Oh yeah - thank you for reminding me to take Benedict - i need to put him in my bag so i don't forget. thanks ((((((((silver)))))))))))

((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))

Is it possible to bring a friend and/or family member along with you to the appt that will help you feel safe? At least until you can work through this memory and figure out what it all means?

Hope the appt goes well for you hon.


sabby

kiya how did your appointment go??? i couldn't get online last night... it was my oldest son's birthday...i was thinking about you...lyn

Thanks - no - my friends are fair weather friends and my family ...not safe. it was ok. i know the dr is safe - she is the osteopath - very caring. safer than anyone in my family, to be sure. even tho she was the one in the dream - i know she'd never do any of those things. maybe it was just easier for my mind to see her rather than the abuser??

thank you - the apnt monday went alright. i did trigger, but got out of it.
but i've been on the edge, you know? t apnt yesterday was really hard. today i feel like i've been run over by a bus. i know i have to get through this, but this feels like death. like walking myself to my own execution.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry it's hard for you right now. Try to take good care of yourself.
This tough time can't last forever.

Sending peaceful thoughts your way,

kt

Thank you KTGirl. I am trying.

((((((((kiya))))))))