I don't know if I belong here

Whenever I try to post about this, I feel like my experience doesn't count. I feel ashamed to have issues with it. I wasn't a child, I wasn't raped, so I don't feel like it counts.

When I was 15 or 16, I had my breasts and pubic area touched forcefully by a boy on a church field trip, while we were on a bus going across the country. I was too scared to do anything but tell him no. No one noticed, even though my mother was sitting right beside me. I was afraid if I was too loud, someone would know. He'd touched my breasts over my shirt before earlier that summer even though I told him not to. He would rub them and I would be so paralyzed by fear I couldn't move. I felt embarassed about having large breasts, I still do. He touched my butt over my skirt on one occaison as well...all of these incidents happened during church activities.

I still see him every sunday at church, and he makes me skin crawl. No one close to me knows. I feel...confused about what happened. I feel ashamed and embarassed. I feel very sexually changed since then. Sometimes I have weird fantasies where he touches me and I want it, than they're over and I want to throw up. I don't know why I would ever have fantasies about someone who disgusts me.

I feel like I'm making too big of a deal about a minor incident. I'm so embarassed I'm posting this.

I'm glad you're finally getting it out. If it hurt you, it's abuse. I hope you can find the strength and faith to confide in someone. If he isn't stopped now, chances are it will escalate. If nothing is done, chances are he won't stop. Please be safe.

rhombus,

you do belong here and what he did was wrong, it was abuse.

just to help people understand it is often spoken of as overt or covert abuse.

Rape is an overt - blatantly obvious - form of sexual abuse.
Being touched, fondled, stroked, etc are covert - SNEAKY - ways people abuse someone.

you said that what he did changed you, it shows his actions affected you negatively. he did something bad to you and you still feel bad things because of it.

it is human to have thoughts, feelings and even daydreams about this - it is a way your mind seeks to help you figure out the situation and how to go forth from here.

if he did this to you, he probably does it to other girls. he is behaving like a sexual predator, a sneaky one.

if you were my daughter i would WANT you to come to me and let me help you deal with this experience. do you have someone you trust that you could tell about this? if this guy is in the youth group of your church and doing this ON sponsored church activities the church needs to know it. he may do something to another girl and even move on to more dangerous actions of abuse against other girls.

telling on him is not being a "tattle-tale" when his actions are truly illegal and harmful. it will also give you a bit of your dignity back.

put the blame on him for doing this to you, you DID NOT ask for it in any way, it is not your fault. i am sorry this bad thing happened to you and i hope you will get some help to sort this out and become free from its harmful effects on your life and views of yourself. (your figure had NO part in causing this, this guy is a perp/perv)

With Concern,

leslie

ps: the next time someone touches you wrongly LOUDLY say, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!!! OR STOP THAT/LEAVE ME ALONE DONT TOUCH ME!!! this evil guy counted on your embarrassment to keep you quiet. he did this right beside your own mom, that is so rotten it makes me want to slap his face!

Hi Rhombus, he made you think that he took your power away from you. He didn't. You still have your power. Find it, reach in and pull it out and own it.....

Denial is a sneaky little critter. It slides in like a snake at dusk.

This was not a minor incident and it will impact your life unless you work through it with a professional. Sanah is right,,he used power and control to feed his appeties without any condsideration to you. You felt powerless.

There is no shame in sharing this. Please sit with a counselor and talk this out. Express all your feelings.

By sharing here you began the process of healing..

Keep going...this event does not have to define you.

With care,

Lenny