[William62]

After 25 years of apparent blissful domestic bliss I recently learned that a close friend had been the victim of regular and sustained sexual sadism

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… happening on a regular basis (monthly) the husband would repeatedly whip her with a belt or another object (whatever was handy). He was tall and well built (over 6'), while she is small and petite (5' nothing). They have three children - all grown up now, one still living at home. He was a successful middle/senior manager and probably type A personality, very dominant and clearly enjoyed total control over his spouse - economically, psychologically and physically. She, most of the time would assume a compliant, submissive role – which was of course exactly what he wanted. Any time she stepped even slightly out of line to displease him she would suffer later that evening in the bedroom. She is no longer at risk but the pathological mental disorder (paraphilia lasting more than 6 months according to my research on the subject) of the father may have implications for the children some with signs of mental health issues.

These acts of violence were in no way consensual so it cannot be confused with SM. I am trying to understand how this long term sustained sadistic behaviour (also classified as domestic violence I suspect) can happen and how the victim is constrained and immobilised within such a relationship – justifying to herself that the rest of the time things were good. But can you really love and resent someone at the same time? I think the psychologists say not? A further concern however is the emotional/psychological impact on the victim’s own well being and mental health after such as sustained period of sexual sadism. This abuse stopped approximately 5 years ago (when they forcibly parted company) and she tells me she is starting to feel herself again. Even though it’s over, I feel very sad and angry that someone so nice has subjected to such a long term ordeal.

Ideally I would like a professional opion on this. Although any advice would be welcome.

Seeking education and understanding on the subject... shows that you truely do care for your friend... it is very difficult for those.. that are not in the situation to comprehend...

If you want an IRL.. experience - you might try contacting Domestic Violence .... support groups in your area.. and they.. can give you.. some very good information... from the "women's" point of view... it is a real eye opener - .and... you might be allowed.. to talk to one of their counselers... and she/he could help... to explain some of the different dynamics that exist...I have given talks to these groups.. and I have helped other women...and... the dynamics... have alot in "common" but are also different.. in situations...

If you want to an IRL understanding of the "man's" point of view.. you might do.. what I did.. I contacted the police department.. and they allowed me.. to talk to the head of the mandatory group counseling unit - when a man is arrested for domestic violence... they are sometimes given the option of this madantory counseling rather than jail..
I also.. with the men's permission... sat in on their group counseling session and asked questions of them.. on the "why"...and the "whatfors"..

and I realize.. that you are questioning just "what" this dynamic was... domestic violence.. or "what"....

the above... might help point you to IRL people that could help...

as well as... resources on the board here...

peace for all... freewill