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#1
Oct 14, 2008, 12:39 AM
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I hate what has happened in my past.
I hate how he made me feel. I hate what happened. I hate that I had absolutely no control. I hate that I'm the one forced to deal with the repercussions. I hate that I feel guilty. Bad. Responsible. Hurt. Gross. I hate having to deal with the stupid triggers. I hate that sometimes having people touch me creeps me out. I hate how messed up this makes me. I hate how this has screwed me up. I hate how writing this makes me feel. I hate that I'm going to regret posting this later. I hate that I hate myself. I hate that I can't hate HIM, at least not really. I hate the constant script in my head that he's partly responsible for. I hate the triggers. I hate the thoughts. I hate the daydreams of the past. I hate how I can't seem to get control of myself. And I especially hate that I intellectually know the truth of things - but that I'm totally emotionally messed up. IT FREAKING SUCKS.
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#2
Oct 14, 2008, 12:47 AM
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(((((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))
Understand how you feel hun, always here if you want to talk You are not alone, here with you Lots of hugs and love Silver |
 Christina86
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#3
Oct 14, 2008, 04:56 AM
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((((((((((christina)))))))))))
Hate is such a powerful word and yes l too hate it all too BUT THE SADDEST HATE IS I HATE ME  you are not are your own we are here for you talk if you need to talk vent if you need to vent its all ok and maybe we release this hate xxxx mandyxx safe and warm hugs  and some love to heal the hate 
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 "never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.... few things are more humiliating and what a tragedy when they believe you"
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| Christina86
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#4
Oct 14, 2008, 07:08 AM
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((((((((((christina)))))))))))
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| Christina86
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#5
Oct 14, 2008, 07:39 AM
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Quote:
.When you say that you can't seem to get control of yourself, I am assuming that you really mean your feelings. No one can control feelings. The best thing to do is go with the flow and work with them, not against them. This would help with the second paragraph up there too ^.
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| Christina86
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#6
Oct 14, 2008, 08:06 AM
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Quote:
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Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
| Christina86, Sannah
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#7
Oct 14, 2008, 08:24 AM
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Sannah, I was sorta referring to feeling yeah... I do have enough problems with them already. Oh, and I'm a control freak sometimes. (sigh) Thanks for making that distinction for me and for trying to help out!
 Pachyderm, you've given me something big to think about - thanks! I need to work on that... apparently I "should" myself too much ... without even meaning too!
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#8
Oct 14, 2008, 11:37 AM
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Christina....sweet heart your not gross. You are no to blame. I think that as a group here on PC we need to band together and take back out basic right not to feel gross. You are beautiful wonderful seperate human being. You are not him or he is not you. he wont know if you egt mad at him (my T told me this a couple of weeks ago a light bulb moment) . I love you because you are kind and sweet and compassionate. Plase believe me.
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 Happy fall my friends
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| Christina86
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#9
Oct 15, 2008, 09:15 AM
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i hate me too....
and i can feel all of what u have written... my t says i need to focus on the things HE hasn't robbed me of... so try and make a list and it might help...even just a little tiny bit.. it was so nice to see my list... becuase they can't take EVERYTHING they can't take our heart...our soul...our will...our dreams...our desires... look after yourself.... and lets hope one day that our despair will end...and that we may eventually LOVE ourselves... HOPE...... HE hasn't robbed you of it...he might just have buried it... |
| Christina86, Sannah, silentandscared
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#10
Oct 15, 2008, 10:54 AM
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awww christina i am sorry you feel so bad.... you have many good qualities. you are a great friend and you are sweet and compassionate. i think you're great. safe and gentle hugs if you want them.
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i was diagnosed with DID 4 years ago although sometimes i deny this disorder. |
| Christina86
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#11
Oct 16, 2008, 12:45 PM
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Hi Christina86, I think you said it perfect. All I cansay DIDO!
  
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Greg77733 |
| Christina86
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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