Long, Long, Long post. Trigger

Okay, so if anyone can follow this train of thought here goes. My friend, the one who taught me I was lovable, died a few months ago. I have had immense difficulty with her loss. I have been searching for something via contact with my family of origin. Spoke with estranged sibs, spoke with the father a few months ago after 10 years or so. Spoke with the mother last night. Today I figured out what I have been looking for by the contact with the original family. I have been trying to determine if I have any value to them? Now I know that sounds like a silly question being that I was tortured, neglected and abused in every which way. But still, there was something making me contact them. It was the question, Do I have any value to these people? The answer is absolutely not. Cured a problem by discovering that today. Now that I know what I was looking for I can stop. My friend who loved me since I was about 14 taught me that I was good and beautiful and lovable. She new the secrets and still loved me. She loved all of me. She is not here and I am surrounded by pain and difficulty in my life and I became that teen again looking for love. Wanting to feel valued, appreciated. I have been feeling so unsafe again lately in my life. So I am a middle aged woman with 3 kids and I am still a little child wanting love and approval. Feeling self-hatred, that I am bad, why, because there is no one from that time to love me? I have no value to my 8 sibs and to the parents. Sibs have survived however they could. I have 0 value to anyone who knew me when I was a child. It is devastating. I don't even have a picture of myself as a child. Just the memories that come back in my dreams to remind me to stay away and stay safe. My friend held my childhood for me and gave it light. And now she is gone and I feel lost. But I do know that I will not be in contact with those people again as I am worthless to them. I have to look around me at those who know me now and look for the validation I need. I have to stop feeling that I am a bad person and take the steps to care for myself. Eating, physical therapy, slowing down at work. I have to take the time to connect at work with those I like. So, many tears in this post, glad the computer screen can't have running ink. Just wanted to share what I discovered.