[wisewoman]

I suppose this could fit into the grief forum, I even imagine I have written some on this before. The recent loss of my dear friend prompted me to make contact with my estranged family. I spoke with a few brothers, a sister, and for the first time in 11 years, my parents. Actually, that is not true, I went up there about 5 years ago and saw them as I was trying to answer some question inside. I determined recently that indeed I have no value to this family. I am not liked, appreciated or loved. There is a peace that comes from this. And there is grieving. My T says I have had to get through a lot of layers to come to the grief. I should think I am an expert at grief by now. More then the abuse I am affected by the severe neglect and attempted soul murder. I know that I am too old to want loving parents and I know it won't happen. And yet I grieve for the aloneness. I suppose the PTSD has gotten a lot better. The images, the flashbacks are less frightening/disturbing. But here I am feeling as an orphan. They have no meaning to me. My recent birthday was weird because it made me see that I was indeed connected to them in that I came from this grotesgue's woman's body. ERRRRR. Somehow I have to separate my birthday from that and just think of it as the day I became part of this world. So I am grieving never being nurtured or loved. I am grieving horrendous abuse. I am grieving having no history that I want to own. No place called home. Especially now that my friend is gone. And I see I am a middle aged woman with almost grown children and that his is my home. I have new comforting places and spaces with in. But it hurts and it is lonely. I do not have a heritage. I am not from these people. They care only that they feel like I should be connected by blood but they HATE ME. Abuse? Well, I was physically and emotionally tortured. I felt hated then and I suspect that is why I have no value to them now. Their loss. But I am lonely. I wish to have known being cherished and protected. Hope this does not sound like too much of a whine.

[obsids]

*hugs*

It is always a struggle when family is a source of greatest pain. I walked away from my parents and extended family nearly 3 years ago, and it is a mixed thing... I still hurt from everything they did to me. I feel tremendous relief from not having to meet their needs or expectations any more.

I am learning more and more that true family are the people in your life who love you and whom you love. Blood does not matter.

[SweetCrusader]

((((((ww))))))))

So sorry for your many losses and so much pain

You don't the slightlest bit whiney. You sound broken-hearted and sad sad sad. It seems like you've gots lots of emotions bubbling up right now from all the stress you've been under. Gosh, who wouldn't?? I'd be a puddle on the floor!!

Big hugs for a deserving lady!!

Emmy

[wisewoman]

Thanks Em, Sweet and Obsids, your support is truly valued. Just trying to work things out in my head and heart.

[h0kie]

((((((((((ww)))))))))) I too am sorry for your pain. If it's any consolation...you've "grown" into a wonderful person and you know who you have to thank for that.

[eyeh8h8]

It doesn't seem to me to be like whining - it is more like grieving for a tremendous loss.

[nightdream]

I'm sorry I didn't see this post before.

What you wrote has hit home here and I understand what you mean. And I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. I'm sorry for you pain.

{{{{{{{{{{{{WiseWoman}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

nightdream

[wisewoman]

Thank you Dear ones. I am amazed at the amount I can share when it is with the cloke of the internet. I think it desenitizes me enough to not get sooooo freaked all of the time. My age may be speaking here. I really love that I can be as honest as myselves allow here. Thank youi.