When a loved one hits you....

I think I realized it today, sitting here at this dang computer when I want to be out doing things, going places, making things happen. Instead I'm sitting here crying...haven't slept and finding it difficult to sleep.

I don't think the capacity is there for me to love anyone...I push everyone away physically when they reach to hug me. It feels immoral, not right! I feel instantly ashamed of my behavior my reflexes say push them away. My reflexes say that they are up to no good because you are not worthy of anything but negative experiences.... That is how I live my life in a negative space!

My mothers birthday is today and I ordered her a cake. Now I am thnking I will have my dd take it in... Going in makes me afraid...it is HARD! I am ashamed!

TJ

i might get beaten for this but.... ((Seeker))) when a loved one hits you, that person is expressing love... its just not the healthiest way to go about it... the person is expressing a deep pain about a lack of love in that ones own life.. this person needs to begin to have the ability to love again somehow.. that is why its hardest to deal with abusers... we can only show love to their anger and in the process we get beat... not good for us at all.. we need safe boundaries at all times

hoping the best for you always

hmm interesting concept.. not sure how i feel about this concept. ….. maybe not feeling all that great about it. ……not beating you up

i just don't see any kind of abuse as a way of expressing love.. . maybe what i do see is "control

maybe a person who is abusive lacks self love...or low self esteem... i dunno... everyone needs to feel loved or to love... expressing it in abusive ways.... as in hitting, beating or striking a person or verbally abusing a person does not strike a loving note.. when a person hits another person, i do believe there are deeper issues... I pretty much see “abuse” as control..
I do understand what you are trying to say. Maybe I just lack compassion for abusers ....
peace

RF and Nowhere...Ahhh...so much to think about here. Too much really. I think it was about fear, that being the pervading emotion in my upbringing. And the result was an attempt to control. I realized from early adulthood that my mother, who was the abuser, hitter, berater, was raised under an extremely abusive circumstance, and she carried it on with me as the only way she knew. She, being the oldest of 5 siblings, was the only one to have been mistreated. I, being the older of the two of us, was the one to get the same treatment. I never recall this happening to my younger sister. It is interesting, though, that when my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I was the one who came forward to care for her in my home. My sister, stating that due to her experiences as a child, was angry to have to attend to her at all. She even stood outside my mom's room in my house stating how indignant she was at me for trying to care for her in her last days. I'm sure my mom heard this.
One major difference in my sister and myself is that I have worked very hard to overcome it all, to understand and put it into perspective without being a victim. When my mother was still in the hospital last year, prior to her coming here to my home, as I attended to her there daily taking time off from work (my sister doesn't have a job outside her home), Mom asked me, "How did you get to be like this?" I just laughed and said, "It's my nature, Mom." And that is true. That is the closest we ever got to discussing how she had abused me. There was simply NO discussion of it.
My existence is still a daily battle with insecurities, fear, and lack of self-esteem. I still hear my mom's voice in my head, berating me. When I was out of the unhappy marriage after 20 years (marrying someone thru the lack of self-esteem), I thought I could venture forth and form a happy loving relationship with someone finally. NOT! Even then she was part of the naysaying and humiliation of my trying to do such a thing.
At present, I'm alone and will choose to remain so, having found a comfortable niche of security.
I've gone on too long here, rambling. Forgive me.
Patty

I'm sorry Patty......... You sound like such a wonderful person and I hate to hear how you are suffering .

I got better by deleting all of my old programs and rewriting new programs. Yes, I think of my mind as simply a computer sometimes. There are the feelings too though and they are nothing like a computer. They just need to be expressed for what they are.

I increased my self worth by realizing that my mother's treatment of me got it there and that this simply happened because she had mental health issues. Pretty simple, so I threw out that low self worth because I didn't deserve it and it didn't belong to me............

Fear and insecurity, yes, I had to deal with my anxiety too. Mine came from my low self worth (always afraid of being "seen" by others. I had to always try to hide myself in all situations. The shame of really being seen by others causes nonstop anxiety.) It also came from not having healthy personal boundaries, social skills or even knowing what normal behavior is. If you can't go out and know how to protect yourself and act, you are anxious because you know that you will not know how to handle any number of situations that could pop up and this leaves you anxious all the time.

Learning what normal is, social skills and healthy personal boundaries is very possible. Watching others and trial and error with lots of "it's okay", "you tried" self talk and problem solving your results. If you didn't get to learn it as a kid it is still very "learnable" as an adult........

And the last thing.......anxiety is just a habit (after you fix the above things). We grew up anxious because of our insecure environment and now our nervous system is just simply wired that way. Each time that I felt myself anxious I would look around at my wonderful environment (that I made! and I know that you have also made yourself a wonderful and safe environment) and tell myself that I have no reason to be anxious in this wonderful environment and my anxiety is just a habit from the past and this past doesn't exist anymore so I need to let go of this anxiety and get my feelings from today. Each time you do this the anxiety is less and less until it is gone. How is that for rewiring your nervous system!

FYI, I told TJ to read the thread "Save me from my kitchen..." by Cantstopcrying on the Depression forum. She found it very helpful for this issue.........

hi radio, i dont think the way you manage your thoughts is wrong or immoral.. i think you take time to think things over, to hear different opinions, and it seems to me you give fair consideration to others points of view.. i dont ask that anyone adopt my way of thinking unless something suits them...

i do believe we all are looking for love tho (in case we feel short of it)

(seeker))))))))))))))))))))) this is something I thought about alot yesterday. I just saw your thread now. I understand how you feel. Wish i did not. I remember doing anything i could when i was young , being silent,hiding ing the corner, praying no one saw me. Hoping to god I did not make any nosie.Or upset anyone. Sadly I could never stop talking. Which brought it upon me.
In later life there was a b/f whos heavey hand and mental abuse I thought for awhile I deserved. I was about 16 when that started. Very slowly just words that hurt. Then the rest came. Somehow in my twisted thinking i thought as i said i deserved it because once again . I could not stay quiet.
I did back down one to many times. it was not till he tryed to run me over with his car and shot a gun at me . That i reliazed it was not me. I had not made that choice. That person had. I walked............
It happened once again later on.........Then I thought well i must be doing something wrong...That time it almost broke my spirit....Which is a hard thing to do...as My mom always pointed out to me over and over again....
I found trying to make everyone happy and leaving me last was my own worst mistake...Sorry i went on about this...something close to my heart...
I still do that....I would rather be quiet then cause trouble which is not healthy for me.....
IRL at my home there was a issue yesterday...after I sat and looked out the window and was numb......
I was not hit....your statement (((conditioned to take it and say nothing as a child))) is very true...........
I can protect others thou...............its just me i leave behind........
I hope you are ok and I wish you the best (you matter))))))))))
sorry if i went on to long ............
muffy

Muffy, dearest...We apologize when we think we are rambling, LOL. I think that is still part of the effects. You were not rambling at all, in my opinion, and I found your post most interesting, especially since it sounded so much like my own experiences: the childhood of hiding, and then the traumatic relationships as an adult. I too have had a gun pointed at me, once by my ex husband, and then after my divorce in a tragic standoff with police swat team and a stalker with home, sad to say, I had become involved and couldn't rid myself of.
I agree with Sannah, that "reprogramming" is part of the recovery. I've done much of that, and I suspect so have you, Muffy. Otherwise, dear Muffy, you wouldn't be as loving and supportive as you are here on PC.

I hope, through the much hard work I have done toward recovery, that i am a stronger and more empathetic person. I now choose the people to whom I extend friendship and compassion. Also, I should clarify one statement I made in this thread about living with insecurities. I recognize the symptoms and when they rear their ugly heads, I am able to work thru it. I think you too, Muffy, are in this healthy place.
Love
Patty

Seeker, i admire you trying to connect, not giving up, even tho..... never do anything that you fear if you cant find some way to be safe first... when we were little we tried things daringly, then we fell a few times... some of my friends thought pain was a joke and were in the hospital a lot and others left the Earth early... practice safety first always for yourself...


its taken a very brave woman to face herself as you have and still do (((muffy)))) the pain we have to fight through is brutal and reality is hard and truth is painful for us... the truth does set us free..

(((seeker))))(((nowheretorun)))
Thank you for your kind words ((seeker))
((We apologize when we think we are rambling, LOL. I think that is still part of the effects.))) I agree with you there. I say i am sorry more times than i can count aww
Old habits awww
I too had a stalker. I once again thought for the longest time I must have done something wrong to have this happen. It was about 4 Christmase Eves ago when i really reliazed what was going on. THat it was not a joke. I remember christmas eva the police and lawyers trying there hardest to stop it.
The one thing i can say is so many helpful ppl along the way. Our storys are alot alike. Except i was the youngest. But i too took care of my mom and dad in the end.
You are truly a good person. Your right alot of reprogramming" I still at times find myself thinking to myself ((did I cause it)) I know in my heart I did not. Nor did I once deserve it. As you or anyone does not either. ......ever
((nowheretorun)) ((ty)) for saying I am brave ...not sure...but you are right "the truth does set us free"

side note......I did what I use to when i was young 2 nights in a row. I sat upstairs looking out the window...on a small little chair......watching the cars, watching the ppl ....watching the snow...seeing the lights....that always gave me such peace when i was young....(((ty)))))))) seeker for letting me ramble again.......
(((((((you matter very much)))))))))))))))))))))))) never forget that........
Muffy

(((Muffy)))...I've thought some more about how you described your childhood, and another thing rang true for me as well. You said,
"Sadly I could never stop talking. Which brought it upon me." I did the same! I always thought I could talk to my parents, reasoning things out, even as a very small child....I also observed that my younger sister never did that, never told them anything. She never got the treatment I did, though I failed to learn from her example!
I also think this relates to the need to explain oneself, which has been discussed here. It's a form of anxiety, in my opinion.
LOve
Patty

(((seeker))))))) ..My older sister said very little, She to never got the treatment as I did. She had told me once it was so hard for her to watch. She remembered somethings i had not as she watched them. I remember things she does not..
Your right its form of reasoning things out. I thought if i could get them to understand as with the b/f it would stop. Sadly there is no reasoning...A form of
anxiety? could be.......
I know I always felt I had to explain myself...((i do try at first))but if cornered most times I will be quiet. Unless its for my kids or someone else...
I know one thing we are all worth while...we matter so very much all of us you me and ((everyone))))))
No one should ever hit another...or use mental abuse....
You are a very kind person(((((((((seeker))))))))))))))
you have come so far.....You never failed....ever
muffy

(seeker)))))))) I am sorry I had one more thought...I was going to add it to last post . but was afraid you maybe had already read it.
One of the biggest issues I had was them saying one thing and then doing another.
Example: We want you to be you...and talk to us and ask for help
But when it came right down to it........never was the right time...
as when I did ....was not a good thing.....
So aniexty ...I think you are right....
Thats why i never once turned my kids away when they needed something....it may have seem small to me....but to them it was important......
I will not ramble again (((((ty)))))))))
muffy

(((Muffy))) You are right, Muff!
You said, "Example: We want you to be you...and talk to us and ask for help
But when it came right down to it........never was the right time...
as when I did ....was not a good thing.....
So aniexty ...I think you are right...."
Yes, even here on PC, where I feel free-est to talk and ask questions, talk about feelings, I often second-guess myself and go back and delete a post which is on a sensitive topic. In everyday life, after relating to someone, even casually, I will then do an internal debate and berate myself for having said this or that. I also have a great deal of social anxiety. I know the root causes of this, and I could cite the specific examples/memories which triggered this process, but it is too painful right now to recount. Maybe I'll get the courage to discuss it soon.
Love
Patty

I appreciate all of the comments here. This has been a very helpful thread....

TJ

(((seeker)))))))))))))) I have to tell you this thread has helped me alot.
I have thought about ths alot. It feels good to let it out ((ty)))
I agree with you about feeling my free est to post here at pc. But I have to say I too have posted then delted . IRL when it comes to me I am afraid I will ask the wrong thing. If it is to do with something with my kids or back home to help other ppl . I have no problem. Its just when it comes to me. THere are a few ppl I trust. That i can ask anything and i know they will answer the best they can and not laugh aww
One person even promised to answer 9000 questions LOL that person never let me down.

I too look inside myself to recheck what i have said or done. I never want to harm anyone. As i know you are careful of too. I think it comes from this kind of thing.
I want you to know anything you want to talk about we are all ready to hear when you are ready. I think we have alot in common.
This thread has been a unblievable help to me (((ty))))))))
please know i care and you really do matter
one more note I do find at times I do not say things for fear of being hurt or as my parents said causeing trouble...
not sure I made sense this morning (((((seeker)))))))))))))))))
muffy

I'm going to repost what I shared with Muffy in a private message, as I do not think I could rewrite it again. :

I had actually been thinking a lot about this issue. It is so painful to realize how this has evolved within myself. I have just been recalling it, with flashbacks from early childhood...As long as I can remember back, to early preschool age, I was whipped for opening my mouth. I would be out in public with my mother, who would be talking to a neighbor, etc. As soon as we came back into the house, she would grab me, without any explanation and start hitting me. At some point, as a small child, I started crying any time I was in public with my parents. All I could do was huddle and cry, for fear, now I realize, of the impending whippings. No wonder I still have the debate and berating going on when I say anything to anybody, eh!
This was a pervasive and consistent behavior I endured from early childhood onward. The last time it happened, I was in college, home for a holiday, and sitting in front of the mirror fixing my hair. College age, mind you! My mother was upset because my high school boyfriend was coming to the house to visit me, and he had a hippie appearance. I had liked him since middle school age, and thru her rantings about "what the neighbors would think," I, in my somewhat liberated state from being away from home, said to her, "Mom, I don't CARE what the neighbors think!" This resulted in a severe beating over my head and shoulders. During this same visit, after this last attack, I did tell her, "if you ever do such a thing again, I'll never return home." to which she seemed to cower. The first and last time such a thing happened. I have to add here, that getting away from home was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was never, ever, once "homesick," as it was so liberating to be free.
Patty

(((seeker)))))))))))))))) I think you are one of the bravest ppl.
I am so glad you shared this...you set a part of you free by leaving home.
You have set anotehr part of you free by talking about it.
I am so very proud of you.
I totally understand where you are coming from
muffy

Patty, I am so sorry that you had to endure that as a child. Such an upbringing sounds very anxiety provoking. You have now made a very nice life for yourself. I wish you luck in your reprogramming ...

(seeker)))))))))) you said (((No wonder I still have the debate and berating going on when I say anything to anybody, eh!))))))

I am so fearful myself when i misunderstand something after being young that if i ask for it to be clarifyed .....i feel like a fool...
or worse if they yell....it throws me back....
sorry for posting again
muffy

This "actually" sounds a lot like my history...except my father was not in the home. I remember coming in from a date in high school, my boyfriend had actually gotten lost and we arrived home late. Before even getting into the house my mother proceeded to beat me, calling me names like ***** and such... I was humiliated and defeated by her behavior... At this point, I was a senior and still a virgin!

For years I thought I had left all of that behind, but I've discovered that it has never left me...that I never moved on from the dysfunction!

TJ

Skee, and all of you here,
After writing this last post about a specific incident (something I had never done before: write it out), I went to bed and slept for most of the afternoon. Waking up, I felt regret at having shared that story. Then, shed tears while driving. Then, of all things, ANGER! I had always accepted that "Oh, well, they did the best they could" idiom. No, it was not the best they could (she could), and it was not okay. I'm still feeling anger, but along with that realizing what a sick woman my mother was!
I can honestly say, though I've remembered such incidents and felt sad or victimized by them, I've never felt specific anger like I am feeling now. Kind of unsettling, but also, feeling like I'm working thru it for the first time.
Must go, have company, and will post more later.
Love
Patty

This difference sounds very healthy Patty!

((((((((((seeker)))))))))))))) Its ok to share
its ok to be you
the anger will go
your a good person
muffy