The Effects of childhood sexual abuse

No relationship now. Nothing to point to as happening to make things better. Just sort of happened. To soem extent therapy with a female therapist--whom I was very attracted to--helped in terms of directly working through my fears (as much as could be in a therapeutic setting) verbally, with the physical presence being an on-going "forced intimacy." I was so nervous with her to start with that at one point I would vomit right before every session--it didn't happen right away. It might have been a year before that started.

Hey guys,

I haven't been dealing too good lately...Have kept myself busy but sometimes the thoughts can't help but intrude. Sometimes I feel so trapped by it and want to run away, start a new life, new friends etc...but that is just running away and these things run just as fast after you than you can run away from them, I think...These last few days I have been feeling like a failure, that I am not doing anything with my life, that I have no worth...yet I have no courage, bravery or enthusiasm/motivation to make any drastic changes I know I need to make. I guess that comes in time.

I wanted to ask for advice about something I have been feeling lately, and whether it is natural or not. I have caught glimpses of people saying it before but I have never looked into it, even though I have felt like it for years. I am talking about a feeling of guilt, when the telephone rings I panic slightly thinking it's someone like the Police, as crazy as that sounds. If there is a knock at the front door I think the same thing. It's also the same if I hear sirens etc. Is this normal? I have done nothing wrong, I know that, so why do I feel guilty, like I have commited a crime and I am going to be taken away? Have anyone else felt the same thing? If so, what techniques could I use to combat it?

In response to your comments:

Notz - I am sorry to hear both your parents and your daughter are no longer alive, that must have been really tough for you. I lost my mum when I was 14, that was hard enough. Can you explain anymore about the "empowerment" you feel when you see the grave?

littlelori - Thank you for your moral support, it is such a nice thing to know there are people here who genuinely care. I'm here for you too if you ever need a chat...

imapatient - Do you feel you will ever work past the difficulty that comes with being intimate with someone? It amazes me how the fear becomes so hard and overpowering and is so frustrating...it destroys any relationship I try and get into!

I want to be here as much for everyone as you are for me, so please do pm me if you'd like a chat...I'm a good listener apparently...

Simon

Simon do you think because you have this big secret that it makes you paranoid about the sirens, knocks, and phone ringing?

Also, you can't make changes with yourself until you really understand what is going on with you and you get your thoughts and feelings out.....

((Simon))
I'm so so sorry that you've hit this rough patch...please try and remember that it's just that; a bump on your road of healing.

Simon, you are a brave and worthwhile human being going through a difficult time...please stop beating yourself up.
Jmo, but we don't usually make drastic changes. Most changes are gradual as we become more sure of ourselves.

Early in my therapy, I went through much the same re the police coming after me...at one point, I thought my T was going to have the police arrest me as I walked in for our session.
I had panic attacks about it happening; sweating, heart palpitations, urge to flee, but also wanting to "get caught."

All because I was no longer a keeper of secrets. It did not feel at all what I thought it was supposed to...I thought/hoped that I would feel more relief and at ease. I felt worse to be honest with you.
Jme, when I started talking about the abuse and was still shackled with the guilt and the shame, I also developed the fear of the police...I was still blaming myself/thought I would be jailed for "making him do it."

Simon, there is no natural/normal to our thoughts and reactions when we are dealing with our abuse. It's different for everyone...there are some commonalities, but for the most part, we have our individual responses.

Techniques...again, it's going to be different for everyone. I think you'll be able to use some that others will share.
My own was the breathing while telling myself they were not coming for me. Breathing--concentrating on it so I could slow it down...which took my mind off the sirens.
My mantra was, "It's not me" over and over again...meaning it's not me they are coming for.

Ah Simon, I'm glad you shared with us. Not glad there was reason for it, of course.
You continue to speak out and that helps all of us.

Please take care of yourself first, Simon.
You have to be your number one priority.

Gentle hugs, my friend
Cap

Wow, I do the same thing Simon...the panic thing and the guilt.
As for what you asked me on the last page, I was abused from 4-6 by a family member and at 6 I was molested by an older girl, it only happend once.

I have found that breathing techniques and rationalizing with myself helps me with stuff like that. I tell myself I have done nothing wrong and that I am okay and safe.
and I do some deep breathing. I know how hard it is, the parinoa and the guilt..I am working through it all right now, but you did, and have done nothing wrong. Feel free to pm me anytime you want to talk

Sending best wishes and Happy Holidays
Sparrow

(((((((((((((((( Simon )))))))))))))))))

Hey all,

I hope you are all doing as well as possible, and that you are enjoying the festive season.

Thank you all for your positive encouarging comments. Some days its easier to deal with, other days it is not.

I made a fatal error lately - let me explain...Over the last couple of months I have been really attracted to a woman I met back in the summer. She is a year older than I am and we have so much in common. We hit it off completely, and got really close. I have always struggled with the physical side of relationships and so I have never commited to sex with her or anything related to sex. It was giving off signals to her, that maybe I wasnt interested in her in that way etc, which is wrong, because I am. She didnt know about the abuse issue and I didnt want to tell her either. She has been dealing with a lot of her own stuff so I decided to not say anything, but to try and deal with it and hope she would stick around long enough to see it through. It wasnt going very well, she was questioning a lot to do with it because I was so cold towards her. I thought long and hard about telling her about the abuse and the effects it has had on me, and I spoke to my T about it too, who advised I should tell her. So, last week I decided to tell her and it seemed to go down well. She was so supportive, so caring and wrote me a touching letter afterwards saying how she was there for me and always will be. We were moved closer because I told her, and we met up on Saturday just gone and we were talking more about it. Then, today she rings me and says she cant deal with it anymore...she said she doesnt think her and I will ever be in a relationship, even though it is still something she really wants. She also said she wishes she never fell for me. She was upset, crying a lot, and things she was saying made me realise just how much I have hurt her. I have always wanted her to be happy, and I think her and I can be happy one day but because I am dealing with this I cant offer it to her now. I had a huge realisation that I should never have told her about the abuse. I feel I have let her down, and let myself down. Why did I think telling her would help? I look back at my life and realise just how catastrophic I make my life and others who get close to me. I ruin peoples lives, and it seems effortless nowadays. I obviously dont want to hurt anyone, ever, but I seem to do it so easily. I am sick and tired of seeing people get close to me just for me to drop a bombshell that hurts them deeply. No matter how hard I try not to, I dont even need to tell them about the abuse for it to ruin my life. I have caused so much pain in my life so far, and I am only 21. Why cant I do anything right? Why cant I just get past this and not let it ruin me anymore? My past seems to always destroy my present and future and when I try even harder to not let it, it seems to do more damage. I dont know if i can do it anymore. At a time when I feel so emotionally cold, when I feel I am loosing the ability to love anyone, this is not what I need or want. When her and I first met I was really in to her and liked her, then as the abuse issues became more intense, I became colder and colder - not just with her but with everyone. I told her that I have only ever wanted to bring her happiness and to make her happy, but I seem to be doing the opposite. I cant do that anymore. She met another bloke yesterday and he asked for her number today, she wasnt sure whether to give it to him as she felt it was betraying me. I told her that I can only make her unhappy, no matter how much I dont want to. I told her to try with this other bloke, to search for the happiness she so obviously deserves. I told her it is so hard for me to say that, because I like her so, but I have no choice. I'd rather see her be happy and me lonely than to see her unhappy and me not lonely. I cant be selfish. Maybe she wants me to fight for her, but I am spending so much energy fighting depression and the ramifications of the abuse that I just cant fight for her right now. Its too much for me. Maybe its best for her if she moved on and met someone else. Isnt best for me but I have to look out for her and protect her. I can deal with the fact the abuse and the results of that affecting my life, but when it starts damaging other peoples lives, I draw the line and the buck stops with me. It is my fault and my responsibility. I blew it. I said to her that I will ALWAYS be there for her, even if it doesnt work out with the other guy. I said to her I will always be her friend no matter what happens.

I just feel like all I do is destroy things I care about and it feels like it is pushing me to feel colder and colder emotionally. I dont know what else to do. Everything I do hurts too much, I cant keep hurting like this anymore...

Does anyone know what this is like? How do you deal with things like this? What can I do?

Simon, I don't think that you did anything wrong and I don't think that YOU hurt her or ruined her life. I don't know why she reacted that way but I think it is more about her than about you.

I wasn't abused but I had to learn how to allow the person who is now my husband get closed to me. This was a step by step process and it can't be rushed or skipped. You need someone who is caring and patient and maybe she just isn't the one?

Simon,
Let's back up a bit, ok?

You are 21, correct? I'm nearly three times your age...
let this old lady share a bit with you

**usual disclaimer**

It's going to take time for you to come to terms with any/all of this happening in your life.
I know you want for things to be better now, but it's not going to happen quite yet...you are making progress, Simon, but you are so hard on yourself.
You've got to love and accept yourself first--you are your number one priority, Simon.

Your feelings are valid, I've had some of them myself. They hurt us deeply and stand in our way of knowing peace.
Standing in our way, though, forces us to face them and do whatever is necessary to overcome their hold on us.

I'm sorry this woman let you down; it is a reflection on her and not on you.

There is so much I would like to share with you...but I am blunt and need to temper it with gentleness that speaks of support and not criticism.
I offer my apology if I have hurt you

Cap

i know how you are feeling when i was in my teens i was sexually abused by a friend of the family named owen it went on for a few years and i still have flashbacks and nightmares about it one of the things i do is write in a journal

You should know that you are not alone. And I seriously doubt you will abuse anyone, though that is a valid fear. It's a valid fear because it's a common fear, not because of statistics. I was raped as a teenager, and when I was pregnant I was terrified thinking that I would be another statistic and abuse my baby. I cried a lot worrying about that.

Have you talked to your T about how you feel towards this woman? The old feelings might be becoming reinvoked because of old memories triggering them- I'm sure you've already figured that out. It helps to have a T to talk about these feelings with safely, and help determine why they're bottled up inside of you. I'm sorry that this woman you like didn't react well to what you told her. Some people just don't know what to say. You're not a selfish peron, in fact you're a very selfless person for being more concerned about her happiness than yours. I don't know many people like that.

Best of luck and I wish you a well recovery.

Hey all,

Thank you again for all your help and advice. I'm sorry I haven't replied yet, have been busy over the Christmas period. Christmas was good for me, I had a great time, eventually. I was able to enjoy it and I haven't had a Christmas like that for many years, was such a nice relief.

In response to your comments, Capp, you most certainly did not offend me. I am very grateful of your advice. I am very hard on myself, but it's hard to change that...especially when you lose sight of how. I have T tonight so I will bring this up and try to work on that. Seems like there is so much for me to be working on, I don't know how to work on it all...there seems to be so much of me damaged and broken, and I don't know how to repair it all anyway.

Sannah, jenny, and Christine, thank you all for your comments.

Like I said before, Christmas was really good for me, the few days leading up to it were good and I felt good, positive and excited. The day itself was a massive success...all the family came over for lunch and everyones spirits were high and everyone had a really good time, including me...but since then it has been a different story. Every day since then I have felt really low and unhappy...all the dark thoughts and emotions coming back. I feel I am at a stage of my life where all the things that have gone wrong for me have all taken their toll. Most of the time I feel broken, damaged and empty...I feel unable to care for someone, to love someone, to let anyone in. I don't know if I will be able to change that...the more time that passes, the more I feel I am becoming cold and empty. Almost like I am shutting off to everything. Could it be that I have PTSD? I will be asking my T about it tonight.

I am so grateful for PC, it helps me so much when I am able to come on here and vent, and to get positive, constructive help from all of you, is such a help.

Thanks for listening once again.

Simon

Hi SImon,

You didn't do anything wrong, you did what is right, you told her the truth. You may think this is what ruined the relationship, but it isn't. Some people can handle the truth and some can't no matter how they feel towards you. It is better you know now, then when things get ever more serious. Keeping this information away from a future partner will most certainly cause more harm and pain to the both of you.

It seems like she responded positively but then got overwhelmed. You need to let the other one experience the grief of what happened to you. She said it was overwhelming to her, and the truth is, that it is, but if you both continue to work through it, it could work out. Maybe she could go to therapy with you to see what she can do to help you. I think she wants some space, the other guy thing is just a test for you. Maybe she is testing you on how much you care for her, because is she is going to get involved, she wants to be reassured that you are committed to her. I wouldn't give up on her.

is this already pinned up at the top of the board???

Simon, my straight talk from having been in somewhat similar position at your age--though it sounds like your experience (whatever it was) was far worse than mine.

Telling someone about abuse in your background puts a very, very heavy load on them. It's a lot for someone to deal with. A responsibility. I don't think you should have told her--from what you've said about your friendship to that point. How serious and deep was your friendship? As much as it's on your mind and you want to talk about it b/c it might be affecting what's going on between the two of you, you easily can be shooting yourself in the foot by opening up such deep, dark parts of your life without having a solid involvement. I could go on with the logic of my point, but the point:

It can be self-defeating, and perhaps subconsciously an act of self-destruction, to tell that stuff early on--when you don't even have a serious relationship yet. Working though the abuse is something to do with therapy and people that are deeply committed to you and your best interests--that you can trust, not to those you want to someday be committed to you and committed to your best interests. Telling your abuse history might make you sound like a troubled person, not the best foot to put forward. Learning about that stuff can scare people away.

I don't know what you mean about the issues you have becoming a block in the move towards physical intimacy, but you can start off talking in generalities about difficulties with intimacy (not just physical), trust, etc. without getting into the full-blown story. Be vague even if she's trying to get into specifics. Roll out your story in increments and levels of depth and specificity in accordance with how deep the relationship IS, not what you think it IS. You might have the problem I had at your age of sort of idealizing and thinking a connection with another means more than it really does.

If a concrete issue for you is that you aren't having the sort of relationships you want, recognize that telling the dark, deep, troubling parts of your life prematurely is going to be an obstacle to getting those very relationships. You might want to tell it, but does she REALLY want to hear it? [The test of whether she REALLY wants to hear it isn't if she says she WANTS to hear before you tell, but whether AFTER hearing it she is happy that she heard it. You have to evaluate what's best for her (you, you two) at that point; she can't b/c she doesn't know what the issue is]. Does she Need to hear it (then)? Is it what’s called for to advance things? A causal interest has to come first, then a casual involvement, then……It sounds like you’re, as I did at your age, trying to skip things ahead when you two aren’t ready. At whatever given moment, a kiss might have been called for, not explaining the abuse you suffered. If not a kiss given, then something else, but not opening up about serious troubles in your life—that can be selfish to do in a sense. It might make you feel better in the short run, but is it in her best interests at that stage? Of you two together? Delayed gratification is the burden to bear when trying to develop a relationship.

Hello all,

Thank you for your ongoing concern and helpful comments.

Exoticflower - I think she probably was testing me, but it feels I am able to be tested with that at the moment, there are too many problems with me and my life as it is, without people feeling the need to test me. She had that "date" with the other guy and she said it went well, that she thinks they will be meeting up again sometime soon. Maybe it's too late and all I can do is give up on her. At the end of the day, there are two people involved in this, her and I. Although I am looking at how all this effected/effects me, I have to recognise that she has her own problems and there are things she needs to do to deal. If that means moving on, finding someone who isn't going to offer so much pain as I do, then that can only be a good thing for her. I can't make it all about me.

I accept responsibility for the way things have worked out, I was too hasty to tell her, I was led into a false sense of security and I guess I became desperate to tell her...that I felt it would help make us stronger. I failed to realise how damaging it can be to her, but now I know. Sometimes we wish we could turn back time and change things (who doesn't, right!), to make things OK again, but I know that wont ever happen so I need to accept it and try to move on. Knowing there is someone else out there who knows my secret is the worst part. Makes me feel extremely vulnerable. I have learnt not to be so hasty in the future and to not tell them so soon and for the reasons I did. We live and learn, huh!

imapatient - I failed to see how much of a heavy load it would be for her. Before telling her, I turned the situation around, tried to imagine how I would feel if she told me it had happened to her and not me. But that's not necessarily the right thing to do in this situation because it's a biased opinion. If it was her that told me this I would want to help and it would draw me closer to her, being able to support her, and to know she trusted me enough to tell me. Of course, that's just me, and I can't think everyone is the same as I am. it wasn't that way around and because I am used to the knowledge of it happening to me, I would deal differently than someone who hasn't been abused. I failed to see it like that and made a wrong decision. We all make them, it's part of learning and growing really isn't it. I felt the only way I would be able to move forward with my life and the relationship with her was to let her know about it, to let her in. I felt if she knew all about it then it would bring us closer, nothing hidden, no secrets. I realise now how selfish this view of mine is. Before I told her, I felt like I was betraying her, not being true to her, and even if we were only destined to be friends, I still felt I couldn't lie, which is how I see it.

I truly felt like when I told her, it was the right time, I felt she would benefit from knowing, and our potential relationship would benefit. I looked at it from all those points of view, I worked out if it was what was needed for us to advance, and it felt it was. I don't necessarily blame anyone as such, not for that. But I do blame myself for being so eager to tell, for not looking much at how it would or could effect her. I didn't calculate how much of a burden this could be to someone. That is what I blame myself for more than anything. Learning that came at quite a high cost, but then he most important lessons in life always do.

Part of me feels selfish for this thread, I mean, it's an ongoing thing and has been ongoing for quite sometime now. I feel I am the only one benefitting from it and to me, that's almost selfish. I do hope this thread is helping others, even if it is just one person. I hoped by opening this thread, it would cover all the aspects of the effects of childhood sexual abuse (hence the name) and I hoped it would be words of encouargement to those dealing with similar issues. If it is, all this is worthwhile. And of course, it is helping me, and I am entirely grateful for people spending their time and energy reading and replying to this, offering words that of course, are greatly helpful, and doing so time after time. I am very thankful, even if it doesn't show.

Simon

That's the whole point of having a thread. It is for you to benefit........

And I do, completely, but I hope others are able too...makes it even better, you know?

((simon))
You are in no way selfish.

((((((Simon)))))))

I hope my use of the word selfish didn't hurt you. It's selfish only if you're trying to use the other person for your benefit when you don’t have a mutual commitment to each other. I think there's an element of that that goes on in any sharing of self with other, but sharing isn't (always if ever) just about using someone else as someone to lean on and hear your troubles, it is part of making for a deeper, fuller relationship.

The big issue I was trying to address is the way in which heavy disclosure can be counter-productive. We know it can be productive--for us, but what I see lost in the recovery movement is often the sense of the drawbacks of disclosing in certain circumstances and the burden that is placed on others to hear it. I think there's a bit of a me-me-me character to some strands of the recovery movement of not giving due concern to the needs of the person on the other side of the conversation. Disclosure can help us and also hurt us. You tell your T, you don’t tell your cab driver. A first date, 2nd date, 3rd date….committed partners, spouses? Figuring out WHEN for each is the art of the matter.

Sharing with a T is completely different because that's why you have a relationship with the T. It's not selfish to share your abuse experience and pain: It's the reason you see the T, the T benefits from the experience as part of the way they make their living.

We're not T's here, but we are lay people who function--voluntarily and without pay--as support for each other in a way that is therapist-like. We're here to hear about others' experiences and pain and offer advice, support, and a sounding board. We are here because we want to do that, so it's not selfish to ask our help. We seek help ourselves.

This thread transcends you and your interests. Once you start a thread, it's in the public domain here and the course of it is determined communally. It's here for all of us, and if we didn't want to follow it, we wouldn't. I'm learning from it. Hopefully it's benefiting you. I've seen threads that get hijacked completely away from the initial topics and stop addressing the initiator's concerns. That's because a thread is an open channel. We tune in of our free choice.
.

imapatient - I'm sorry if my reply hinted that you hurt me in some way. You did not at all. I am the type of person (if you haven't already realised) that feels guilty and selfish VERY easy. This doesn't mean it was what you said that made me feel that way...it was something I already felt. I'm not the kind of person who is triggered like that. I grew up in a family that never really spoke about how we feel etc, my father is very much a "hide how you feel and put on a brave face" kind of person, which I personally don't agree with. It may help him cope with things, but it does me more bad than good. In that sense I broke the mould with my family. But the result of that attitude is that I grew up not asking for emotional support, but always dealing on my own and never reaching out to anyone, whether it be family or friends etc. Of course, T helped me move away from this, but I still get times where because I ask for emotional support, it makes me feel guilty and selfish. I tend to want to apologise for it, and to justify it all the time. When I was reffering to the woman I talked to about my problems, I was saying how her reaction made me feel selfish because I didn't expect the outcome to be what it was, so it made me question myself and point the finger of blame at myself. This is a natural defense (if that's the right word) mechanism I adopt, almost to protect them from any kind of blame. Not that anyone is to blame in this, of course. This is very destructive and is something I tend to break away from, but when things go wrong when you really felt like they wouldn't, the only thing one can do is to look for reasons, and that's where I end up blaming myself. It's been this way for years about everything, hence the slight paranoia about being arrested, about abusing etc. I guess I just need to make myself the guilty party, it seems easier that way. Harder to break free from though. As I was saying earlier, because I grew up in a very "hush-hush" enviroment, now I am breaking free from it, I have yet to learn, as many people will know, who I can trust and who can deal well with the information I want to expose. It is totally about learning...learning who to trust, what to say, and when.

The worry about being selfish, as you can see, led to me hoping this thread was helping others too...Maybe it's an insecurity, who knows. I think mainly it's because I haven't really offered anyone else help outside of this thread, mainly because I have been focusing on myself a lot, and that makes it feel to me that I am taking and not giving anything back. Yet I do not think the same of other people. Is destructive, huh?! I know that this will change when I have dealt more with the issues bogging me down.

imapatient, please know you did not offend, upset or make me feel bad in any way. I hope you didn't feel that way, and if you did, then please be reassured that it isn't the case.

Simon

simon, i read the beginning of this thread and wanted to reply and skipped toward the end as i did not have patience to read it all.

i was abused from infancy to adulthood sexually and my spouse was abused once by a male neighbor. neither of us became abusers - though i know the fear of becoming was something that bothered me along the way, even before i clearly knew my abuse issues. i blocked them to survive in childhood and having my own daughter kick-started the fear of her being harmed and occasionally a sick thought would push into my mind and FREAK! ME! OUT! my goal as a mom was to keep my little ones safe and i wondered why i was so afraid and eventually remembered why and began to get help.

statements like: "abused become abusers" are called sweeping generalizations. maybe some do, but that never means that all do.

that was my 2 cents worth, but i somehow think that the horror you feel about even that possibility indicates that you are not likely to ever put someone in the harm you suffered.

i hope you continue to heal and grow and find the healthy life you want and deserve. hugs if you want them,

leslie and the pixies

Hi Simmon,

Im a survivor on many levels and I had an eating disorder too. when you said you were concerned with being an abuser .I thought. I doubt you woud sexually abuse someone give all our aware of about your trauma.

I believe its those who are not aware that they were that they are more likely to repeate patterns.

This area of hurting others though. I had something happen to me yesterday. Its happened over and over and the pain has hit me deep and fast and hard. Its a person who will not let me get closer and they threaten to end the relationship if I do.

I can't control what the other person is doing . nor can I understand . I can do this . I can realize just how I have hurt others by doing that very thing.

Some people have wanted to be close to me . And I have abruptly shut them out or stopped communicating with them. One was a woman friend who I clicked with . we would talk every day at a reastaurant. I just stopped showig up . She managed to call me and she was crying on the other end. she was so hurt.

I was afraid to have to share with her everything. and If I let someone in my life I have to do just that. And I didn't want to get rejected again or have things happen like they did in the past . This woman was also a therapist in the past .

I hurt her and I lost a wonderful friend that could have developed into so much more. I left her in a state of confusion.

I believe I have had men intrested in me and had to say no and I must have hurt them also.

It just never hit home that people may really like me and want to get closer and my fear my hidding is so hurtful to them.

Its a result of everything that has happened.
Its unfair to be kind and them say . sorry you can't come closer .
It is infact a kind of "tease".

So this is what I see in myself. its my opinion and Im sharing it with you today.
I have work to do, Simon . I don't want to hurt any one the way this person is hurting me so.

Patricia

Multipixie and Auroalso, thank you for writing.

Multipixie, It must have been so hard for you to have thought those dark thoughts about your own children...you must give yourself massive credit and praise for dealing with it and protecting your children the way you do. Proof that, with enough determination, this can be beat. Thank you for the hugs.

The fear of becoming an abuser was sparked by the generalised, sweeping comment but that was all that was needed really. A few years back when I was about 18, a friend of mine who I went to school with put me in touch with his friend, she was a couple of years younger than I, she was about 14, 15 at the time, I guess. I can't remember for sure. Anyway, he put me in touch with her because she was being bullied at school and he thought I would be able to talk to her and calm her down as she was really low and he knew it was what I did best - helping people. We only ever talked via email or MSN, we didn't have eachothers phone numbers and I didn't know where she lived. All I knew of her was her name and the school she went to. After talking nearly every day for many weeks, I began feeling helpless that I couldn't help her, the bullying was worse than ever and it was leading her to feeling suicidal etc, so I decided to act upon it and contact the school to let them know, to see if there was anything they can do. She was keeping quiet about it, too afraid to speak out. Maybe I should have respected that, but it didn't feel right to watch it happen without taking action. I emailed the school's head teacher and had a reply the following day. He said they would look into it, and that was all I heard. About a week or so later she was still being badly bullied, it hadn't eased up at all. I hadn't mentioned to her that I had previously contacted the school as I felt she would think it wouldn't help. A normal day talking to her would consist of me having to persuade her not to kill herself, to show her the light at the end of the tunnel. She was a nice girl, and we got on well, talked for hours every day. I felt I knew her really well and felt she knew me pretty well too. We were good friends, but only friends, that's all I ever wanted it to be, nothing more, nothing less. I had been bullied at school too, as many have, so I knew what it was like, even to feel suicidal because of it. By this point her and I had never met in person and still only ever spoke via the internet. I decided again to contact the school the second time, to let them know that it was still happening, I told them how she was feeling and I said how worried I was. The same day, she didn't come online and I didn't hear anything from her for a couple of days, nor did I hear from the school. I became worried, as the last time her and I spoke she felt so suicidal. I sent her a few emails asking if she was ok, and still no reply. The following day I had an email from her school. The told me to stop contacting them, to leave her alone, and to back off. They said if I didn't, they would involve the law. I was shocked, I couldn't believe what I had read...I thought I was helping. So I contacted our mutual friend, who then went on to tell me how this girls parents had been called into the school after I had sent the second email, to see the headteacher who I had emailed. The school told her parents that I was a peadophile trying to groom her for sex. If that wasn't bad enough, SHE believed them. She was told to never talk to me again and to block me on her email and MSN. I have never heard from her since. There was never even a split second in the time we were talking that I had even contemplated getting personal gain from helping her, it wasn't even on my mind. It was something that I did not want and did not even think about. I spent all that time trying to help her, talk her out of suicide and be a good friend because I was genuinely concerned for her, sure I cared about her but because I was human, and anyone would do the same knowing someone was so depressed and suicidal. The link between being a friend and caring for someone, and wanting sex is something I have yet to see. I was called a paedophile for being a friend. I was given a label of something so disgustingly vile, so sick, for trying to help. That haunts me even today. Today I am so afraid of hurting someone, of abusing someone, and because I know that when I try and do right, when I genuinely think I was being a friend, when things like sex and anything related to that was never even on the agenda, I still caused that. I was still given that label. I know I was not in the wrong, maybe I overstepped the boundaries by contacting the school, maybe. But I never, EVER, deserved to be given that label, not by the school, her parents, or worst of all, her. It upsets me to this day, and makes me sick when I think of it...that incident caused me so much pain, and damaged me in ways I am still recovering from today. That happened 4 years ago now. I find it vile that when people are genuinely being self-less, looking out for the good in other people for no personal gain at all, it can be interpreted as being something sinister, evil, sick. I don't think I will ever forgive her, or the school for what they did. They gave me a label I completely did not deserve. They made ME the criminal, the bad guy, when it was bullies that were forcing her to attempted suicide and depression. I sometimes wonder how she is now, she would have left school by now but I wonder how long the bullying went on for. I hope it stopped, I really do. And I hope the depression didn't get the better of her. I hope she's still alive.

So yeah, I find it incredibly hard to let people in, to let them get close to me. I have been hurt, like so many others, in so many ways...I have paid the price for letting people in, for letting myself care for them. It's hard to know the line between right and wrong when you are badly punished for doing the right thing. Hence the confusion, the paranoia, the fear. Hence why I feel cold, unable to care for someone without being so afraid of what they will do to me.

Auroalso, please don't be so hard on yourself for hurting others...if I could say one thing to you now, it's that we all have our reasons for closing down to those we care about. We don't do it for no reason, we do it to protect ourselves. It isn't a tease, because it's not something you do intentionally. Know that you did, and do what you do because it needs to be done, you are dealing with things that force you to hide. It isn't a crime, and you don't have to feel bad on yourself. I've done it so many times myself, to several people, and each times hurts just as much, if not more, but we need to acknowledge that we do what we need to do. We can only praise ourselves for that, not punish ourselves. There are enough people in the world to punish us, without us doing it to ourselves aswell, you know?

Thanks for reading, guys, I'm sorry for the long posts, I guess I just have a lot to say.