The Effects of childhood sexual abuse

simon,

i've read this thread from the beginning and wanted to say thank you for starting it. i'm a girl, and i'm 24, and i don't have an eating disorder, but OH GOD i get where you are coming from - i'm right there with you.

i went out with a girl when i was 18. it lasted 4 years. now that it is over, i can see that it wasnt the right thing for me to do, by myself or by her. we did things sexually, but i dissociated the whole time.

ive tried dating guys since i became single again. it's too much for me to cope with. i can barely receive a hug without worrying that bad things are going to happen. this makes it sound like i actually go on dates, though. that doesn't happen. people just aren't interested in me to want to go out with me. oh, a few ppl have tried to take me home to bed, but that's different right?

anyway. this post was meant to be about you - why did it become all about me? just wanted to say thank you for being so honest and articulate and well considered. i dont think you did the wrong thing in telling her about the abuse. now at least she has a reason for your being 'cold' - she will know it wasn't about her. i think her reaction has more to do with her than it does to do with you doing the wrong thing. i guess i respectfully disagree with imapatient, on that point.

Dear Simon, Please allow me to applaud you for being so open to us here at PC. I'm sorry I didn't read all the replys to this thread; however, I did read the most important one. The one which states your dealing with the effects of abuse. I can sooooo "Identify" with you especially now in my life. Though, I am much older now it seems the symptoms are very similar, if not identical to all who have endured trauma. I am sorry, you Simon have had to go through this ordeal.
I am as I call it "going around the mountain again" you see I haven't fully dealt with my abuse issues fully I've been in therapy before; and thought it was resolved but now years later it has resurfaced.

I too have come to see my own insecurities with sex has also kept an arm lenght with those of the opposite sex. I'm sure this is because of the abuse and mixed up feelings about sex. I believe this will improve for you if you, separate; as a friend has said sex (atctual) love from the abuse. This was wise and something which all of us with these issues could ponder.

I'm sure the advice from previous friends here at PC have shared how therapy is benefical; if not crucial if the symptoms effect one's basic daily life; which seems to be the case with you and others with this issue. It is from my own personal relization of how this "denial" has affected and is effecting me today that I have decided to return to therapy and possible return to medications to ease the insomnia, panic attacks, and dis-associations which happen sometimes daily.


Please know we here at PC can share our own journeys with you; however, you are the best person to decide if what we have shared is enough to help you see its important to care for "your self" and to let others know what you have endured so you have a support system in place when "the s*i* hits the fan. I do support your sharing and will also pray your journey is an on going one and not one of "retreat".

I believe you will see it does get easier when you finally look inside and decide its time to let whats in "out" and out for good. Please don't wait long for these things sometimes only get worst. Lastly know you do have friends here who are willing to listen and support you. JG.

deliquesce, please don't feel this thread has to be restricted to me completely, it helps to relate and share experiences, and if my thread helps you do that, then talk as much as you feel comfortable with, or if you want it to be more private, please feel free to pm me anytime, my pm is always open.

I am the same, I can rarely be hugged and feel comfortable with it. What's worse though, is sometimes someone will brush past me and accidentally touch my arm or back etc, could be anywhere, public or at home, with strangers or family or friends etc, but if I don't expect it and someone accidentally touches me, I get jumpy and freak out...not massively, not enough for them to question it, but sometimes it can make me nervous or jumpy...Does anyone else experience this?

Jeremiahgirl, thank you for the positive feedback, as everyone here knows, talking about it and being so honest is so hard to do, and can be really hard to commit to being completely upfront and honest about it, especially when usually things like this are hidden behind a facade in everyday, real life. I am ever grateful for the positivity I have recieved here.

I agree with you, jeremiahgirl, I thought I had dealt with all of this a few years back, until recently. It has eased up for me now, thankfully. I went back to the doctors and asked to be taken off the anti-depressants I asked to go on at the beginning of December. I always told myself that if I ever needed to turn to tablets for help, I would only take them for as long as necessary as when I took them a few years ago they made me ill and put me in hospital. Although I haven't dealt with all of the things I am going through at the moment, it is easier, I was able to open up to my T about the fear of abusing, and all the other related fears (paranoias etc)...I haven't ever discussed that properly with her, so it really helped me to do so.

Jeremiahgirl, I am glad to hear you went back to therapy. I know therapy isn't for everyone, but people are always so surprised at the positive outcome of therapy. It sounds to me that you are doing very well in your journey, and I too wish you speedy progress, as I too believe you will get over the mountain once again...we all will.

As I am posting, I though I would share a recent experience with you all, I wonder if any one has experienced the same....The girl I told my history to (the one talked about in this thread) saw a book for sale from a girl who had been severely abused as a child, my friend felt it would benefit me to read it and share the experiences the author has (even though the authors experiences were millions of times worse than any of mine). I wasnt offended by this gesture, and welcomed it. So I began reading the book the other day. In case you're wondering, it is called "Broken" by a woman called Shy Keenan. She has a very unique way of describing her experiences, and it is a very graphic, intense read. I wouldn't advise it if you are triggered easily. I am not someone who is triggered easily (usually), I would say I am very tolerant on that level, but after a few chapters of this book I felt so screwed up by it, not because it related to me, because as I say, her experiences were leagues ahead of mine, uncomparable, but becaise of the intensity in which she describes everything. I have an active imagination at the best of times, so reading this, I found myself not only reading the book, but re-living it through her eyes. As I was reading I was imagining what it must have been like for her to have gone through those things. I found myself feeling extremely sick and exhausted after 6 chapters, and I had to stop reading it. That same night I stayed awake til 4.30am with the book going round and around in my head. I don't think I will be able to continue reading anytime soon.

Does this happen to any of you? Do you get experiences like this when reading books, watching movies, etc? I don't believe it affected me so because of my abuse, I would have reacted the same way regardless of my own experiences, but because the way it was explained it makes you re-live it with the author...or it did with me, anyway.

Let me know if you ever get the same, I am interested to see how things like this can, or have, effected you and how you deal with it?

Simon

Simon,

was reading through some of your posts. One thing I want to point out early is you are not alone. There are guys out there that were abused as children and I am one of them. As for if they do it to other kids. I have two children 1year old girl and 5 year old boy. I have no attract whatsoever to them. My sons friends come over and have pool parties here...again no attraction. I think it may be the opposite. When we go the playcourt at the mall, I am cinstantly watching them, and also looking to make sure no one looks at them. So I think you can lay that question on your mind to rest. It will not be and easy or short journey, but you will get there. Sex did not come easy for me at first...occassionally still, but I love my wife and I wanted children. I will take a while to work on the fact that sex is not an object, it does not have to be done,...it is a feeling that turns into an action. If you both are not enjoying it then it defeats its own purpuse. If you ever need to talk you now where to find me. All the power to you Simon...

*REMEMBER YOU CAN AND EVENTUALLY, WHEN READY, WILL DO THIS*

Hey everyone.

I thought I would just vent something that happened to me today...was weird and considering recent circumstances...seems almost coincedence, although I'm not a believer in coincedence... Allow me to explain...

Today was a weird day for me. I work as a painter/decorator...and I was working in a house I used to live in 11 years ago, redecorating the bedroom I shared with my brother, the same bedroom all that stuff happened in. It was bizzarre being there. Was a day full of memories etc...even being in that same house was weird...I haven't been there since we moved about 10 years or so ago and decorating wise it is very different, but I still have lots of memories of that place, not all bad ones though. I was coping fine while working today, apart from feeling down a little. Anyway, like I said, I was painting the room I used to share with my brother. I was stripping some wallpaper from the wall which revealed the paintwork underneath that I assume was there when I was there...I didn't really get bothered by this, until I came across a name written in small writing on the wall...It was the name of a kid I knew, who often visited our house and whom my brother would occasionally babysit. He is a couple of years younger than I (so he would have been 7 or 8 when I lived there), and recently I have been having this memory of my brother asking him to strip and "get out his willy"...this happened around the same time my brother abused me in that very same room...it was only this boys name written on the wall...but it hit me abit, I dropped what I was holding and for a few seconds did nothing but sit there looking at it having memories. He may not have written it, it may have been written since we moved out, but it just struck me as strange. Just felt really weird. Lately this memory has been on my mind...I am quite sure I was the only "victim" of my brother and that is the reason I have kept quiet and not reported him, but this memory worries me to thinking he may possibly have done similar to this boy. I hope to God he didn't...guess I'll never know. We haven't seen this boy or his family since we moved from there.

Well, just wanted to share my weird day...weird how I ended up working in the exact same house, in the exact same room as it happened, and happened to see this name, all at a time when I have memories coming back to me and at a time when I am dealing more than ever.

Thanks for reading.

Simon

(((simon)))

you seem to have handled the situation very well. i probably wuold have been too freaked out to even step back into that old house.

re: whether your brother might have hurt this boy too - just remember your friend could also report it, if he decides he wants to do something about it. it's not your responsibility to look out for others - just heal yourself.

take care of yourself, ok?

xo deli

Yeah, it makes sense. I did the same thing too. From three to five when my mom was at work my dad would make me stay in bed with him all day long. For eight to twelve hours, depending on when my brother got home from school, then he would take care of me. But on the days he didn't come home right away, were long days. Most of the time my dad would sleep, or drink beer or read but he didn't want to watch me so if I laid next to him all the time he wouldn't have to get up to go check on me. I didn't have any toys to play with all day. The days where he would sleep all day long, I was too scared to go pee because the house was dark so I went in bed and that shamed me. But I was most afraid to fall asleep because that's when he made his sexual moves. By the time I woke up he was almost done. I don't understand how I could sleep through this. But I did on too many too count occassions.
He didn't feed me or give me anything to drink (he did sometimes when he already up getting himself something) When I was younger, I was malnourished, as a result of my way of handling the abuse and plus I was sick. I was underwieght by fifteen pounds. Then when I turned eight I was abused by somebody else, again. Since it hadn't happend in three years, it was jarring to say the only feeling I remember, as a result I started gaining weight, not a lot, but a little. When I was thirteen I was seriously injured in a friend's yard. I took a chunck of my leg out the size of a softball. I severed a nerve, so it didn't hurt. It sting just a little. But after being in bed for four months recovering, I gained a lot of weight. the next year, I stopped eating to lose the weight. I didn't eat for six months shtraight. Lost my period, made me think I was pregent, but I thankfully wasn't. I eat when I'm not going through anything, but when things are happening, I don't. You try to control whats going on in your life by what you eat. But when your not getting the nourishment you need, you also alter your moods. You will feel even more depressed. I know sometimes that's what people want. Sometimes I confuse my refusing to eat with ambition. I feel like it's a game and I have a secret. Its fun to see if you can fool people. Its's fun to see if you take a plate of food into your room,where you can hide it,and see what excuses you can give people when they ask where your food is. Its fun to try to sneak it out at night. BUT its not good for your body and soul ultimately. Its not healthy. So I know your trying to lessen the pain by denying yourself , by numbing yourself. You may feel worthless of food. But your are worth the nourishment, you should not try to deaden the pain because the pain needs to be worked out. The pain is what is making you do unheatlhy things. I know you are going through a hard time right now but try to eat at least three times a day. Even if it is just a plate of vegetables and such, but try for me? At first if you can't handle three times a day, work your way up. I wish you the best. Write if you want.

hi simon, i just happened to come across this thread again. something i want to say to you is that you do not have to be in a sexual relationship just because you are grown up. there is an insane amount of pressure on both genders to be having sex as soon as you can and it is not necessarily the right or best thing even if you were not abused. sex is intense, deeply personal and affects people on so many levels. in a good marriage it can be like an amazingly wonderful gift of pleasure and closeness. however sex at the wrong time, with the wrong person or in a way that feels wrong to either party is no gift at all. abuse is an agonizing burden and very destructive. no one should be pushed to have sex unless they are both ready, willing and responsible. ok, end of my mom part of me talking.

one other thing, i know simon that you have been getting help and boy do i urge that for anyone who's been abused in any way, not just sexually. i blocked abuse memories and dissociated most of my childhood and married a decent and good husband. but the night of our marriage - we had not had sex due to our spiritual beliefs and were both "virgins" - i was terrified of sex and literally thought i was an uptight virgin and it was so much more than inexperience. if i had just been able to get some help before we married it would have made such a difference to us both and would have helped me in all areas of my adult life.

simon, i know how terribly it hurt to be falsely accused of something you would rather die than actually do to anyone. that was truly hideous of them. sadly, you paid a price you did not owe because there are predators out there taking advantage of hurt people and vulnerable people. please try hard to forgive those people because they did not reject you simon because they did not KNOW the real simon, they had partial and incorrect information and over-reacted against an innocent person. if you think for a minute you will see that they were doing for her what you wish someone had done for you - protected you from abuse. they did not know that your motives were pure because very few people step out and try to help that way, like you tried. don't let bitterness be another painful issue you have to work like a dog someday to get over it. it was a terrible misunderstanding and the young girl you believe should have known you better because of all the time and help you gave her - is sick right now. her mind is not working right because of severe depression and she can easily be manipulated. you know that your motives were pure and i believe your motives were totally pure. try to let them go and put that behind you and move onn. yes, i have gotten burned before when i tried to help someone and it backfired. not quite so hurtfully as you, but i was not believed and i was not listened to when i was sincerely trying to help someone in a bad state of depression and it hurt something awful.

life will not always be about hurt and problems. you are getting to try to recover from your abuse about 15 years quicker than i got to and it will make a big difference in your life. it may be hard for you to believe it now, but it is true. just keep working on your recovery and take the time now and you will enjoy the results as you go along.

in spite of the pain and problems that have come into our marriage because i was so abused we are still married - imperfectly but nevertheless married and we are hanging in there with each other. sorry, i got so long in my writing. see you!

leslie and her pixie chicks

Simon, I have read this thread and have to applaud you for being so young and trying to work through your pain... Not everyone understands the importance of this, I certainly didn't. I thought that I could simply push it to the back of my mind and that I could go through my life without addressing it. Unfortunately, for me that did not work and the abuse has haunted me and continues to haunt me. It has destroyed many relationships and my parenting skills. I think the recurring theme in my life is that I am not good enough and that I don't deserve happines... As the saying goes, what you think you beome. I have lived my life in a way that I cannot be proud of. I settled for relationships that were not good for me because I thought I was not good enough. I continue to be in relationships that are not good enough because I am afraid of being around healthy people! For whatever reason, I feel naked around healthy people...afraid...vulnerable... Time does not heal all wounds, sometimes it creates a gaping hole that takes a great deal to heal...

In regards to telling people about your abuse, I did that early on in a relationship and I think that individual used that as a way to intrench himself into my life. Unfortunately, I was not the best judge of character and married that person. He knew i was very insecure but successful, some how, and managed to take advantage of that! So be careful about telling people about your abuse because there are people who will take advantage of that information for their own personal gain.

I hope that you continue to work through these issues because it is very important!

Best wishes to you...

TJ