it hurts too much

Griffe, I agree with Pegasus, you need to start talking in therapy.......... What is making you scared about this?

*trigger*

i talk a bit in therapy. it's just all useless.

i was born into this hell. this hell is my birthplace and my grave. i can't escape what i am trapped in.

what does it matter? i live in a cycle of the endless pain. i think i've escaped something, i think now i will get better, now i will move on i'll tell myself, then i'm reminded i live in this hell when the cycle keeps repeating endlessly.

i can't take anymore. i can't. every inch of my body has been dirtied with their actions and games, my mind has been poisoned with their voices and laughs, my vision plagued with images to disgusting and sick to express, all i smell is them, all i see is them, all i hear is them

they've warped me, tortured me, used me, scarred my body and mind, and yet there's always more that can be done, more torture and hell to live through. i'm this pitiful, dirty creature that they've created. my physical body is a mess they've created, my mind is a breeding ground for anger, hate, confusion, loneliness and depression

anything i do to distract, any silly light-hearted game i play, and show i watch, and song i listen to, nothing will erase the though that i could solve all of this by taking a knife and slitting my throat for good

i'm sick of this but still i can't leave this hell, i'm in pain but i try to shrug it off and go on, i'm bloody but i wash myself and smile and pretend everything is ****ing fine and dandy and scream here

I think many of us how life can seem to be pointless, hell, or like the circle you mentioned... We all would tell each other that giving up is not an option though. That there will be a brighter future around one of those corners... Just maybe not yet.

(((((((((((vince)))))))))))

Blue

griffe and other friends here,

one way they keep you locked up is through the lies they taught you to repeat over and over. they taught you to say bad things to yourself and those lies you repeat are like tracks in your mind. when you repeat their lies the track is dug deeper and a bit harder to get out. learning what is true about yourself and making yourself speak the truth, lovingly, to yourself will help you do and feel better.

"it will never be any better" (hopelessness lie) you do not know that it will never be better. you may change and heal and become better in time.

"why fight this, it's just too hard" this is the same kind of lie and it makes you feel despair and then you do not want to try. you can do today what you can't imagine doing for a whole lifetime.

when i began to recognize the lies i'd been taught and confronting and rejecting them - i began to find strength and courage to get beyond the lies. now i am in a place where i am confronting deeper lies that i couldn't even recognize before. i can contradict my own deceptions even when i am posting about them. someday soon i will be able to not even go to the lies, but post truth instead.

i believe someday you will be able to say, "it feels like this hurts just too much, but i've survived for so long and they will not get me down again. i survived this pain yesterday and sooner or later, i will heal and that will feel so good."

a lot of healing comes when we recognize the truth and teach ourselves to counter the lies our child selves were taught so harshly through abuse!

i am hurting a lot right now, but i will get past this pain and i will be more healed because i went through it and survived it again. this is true of me today and will become true of you too.

griffe, you do not want death, you really want healing and freedom to play light-hearted games!!!!! it is ok to want that pain and gross stuff gone. one day it really will be gone while you still are living!!!!!!!!! i care.

leslie (struggling too)

Talk more then! Griffe, you want to give up and call it useless before you even start. What are you afraid of?

(((((((( Griffe )))))))))

I have been in hell and it surely was. It's possible to climb out of it, don't give up.

Griffe, I have been thinking about you and I was wondering if this is what is going on with you. Here is my "theory" - your inner child(ren) compose you fully? I mean, they are the majority if not the complete you? If so, children are powerless. In order to get better, a person needs to feel some empowerment. The adult Griffe needs to start stepping forward a bit. The past is in the past (and I am not downplaying the huge significance of the past!). You are safe now. Adult Griffe has power but he doesn't know it? The inner children will be with you until they heal and grow up. You can't move forward unless someone leads, someone who is the adult and has some power. Adult Griffe, we need your help!

there's no leader in me. i'm an adult but i display the same powerlessness as a child. i've been programmed and trained and brought up to be like this and i am powerless to undo it. i've tried, i've tried hard to get better, tried to lead myself in the right direction and get out of this hell, but i can't. it's too painful. i can't live with this pain.

i told my therapist that i wanted to be more open, i admitted to him that i needed to be open, i took that step a bit back but i never let it lead anywhere. **** just happened and i couldn't do it. everything hurt too much.

i writhe around screaming into my pillow so no one else can hear me, because the pain is too great. inner pain and physical pain. i spent part of this morning hacking up blood all over myself because i was too weak to drag myself to the bathroom and the rest of it washing up the mess i made. i can't live like this. i can't live like that wounded animal.

and i always say that, i can't do this, i can't live like this, but somehow i'm always here the next day, hanging on by a thread, in blinding pain, wondering why i haven't let go yet. i'm afraid of the fall when i let go, afraid of death, but i'm afraid to keep living like this. i don't like being used. i don't like every second of my miserable life to be wrecked with sorrow and anger and hatred and pain.

god it hurts so ****ing much today. all over my body, in my head. their voices just laughing over and over and over and their dirty hands smother me. it's killing me. this life is killing me.

this is all so ****ed up, i'm supposed to be getting better, i'm supposed to be on the road to recovery, but when i try to go down the road something happens, someone comes, some ****ed up event will occur, and i can't get better

i ****ing hate this, i don't even know if this post makes sense because i'm just in a really bad place today
what's it worth, hanging on, when it hurts SO MUCH

Grief you say that things come up and stop you from getting better. Who said that the road is free of bumps?

I'm really sorry that you are in so much emotional and physical pain Griffe. I can honestly say that I have no concept of what you are going through.

You are not powerless, though, and I will never believe that. How to get you to believe that????????

Small steps, if you could just find your power with small steps. Can you ask your therapist for help on this? Just small things to start out where you can see that you have power. Anyone have any ideas out there?

the road is too bumpy to travel it hurts too much

it hurts so so so much today and the yelling won't stop and i can't stop coughing and throwing up and my head is spinning and everything is too painful today i cn't do this today i want to cry this pain is so bad but i have to toughen up and steady myself and pretend im okay when i am so not

(((((((( Griffe )))))))))

I hear you and I'm sorry you are suffering so much. It's ok to cry, you may feel some relief from that.

Just remember this, you got through your childhood because you have a strength. You survived that against all the odds. You are a multiple and therefore there is also a protector in your system. The strength is still in you and you will get through this also.

Well maybe you just need to rest today Griffe. Why do you have to pretend that everything is alright though?

if i don't pretend i'm alright i'm just a burden. i'm supposed to pretend i'm okay- it's what i meant to do. when it comes down to it, i have to wash my wounds, dry my tears, pick myself off the ground and try to keep going. it's always been like that. i moan and whine enough here anyways- i'm a burden on here. i don't want to be a burden irl too. no one likes a burden.

i tried to rest a little i had posted, thanks. i appreciate the help you two. i'll just try to distract again. it hurts and i feel awful and miserable, but what else can i do, i know this feeling all too well anyways

Griffe, feeling pain is your right. Can you talk to your therapist?

i guess i'll talk to him later. i could talk to a nurse now (in a clinic still) but i'm in poor shape right now and don't feel like it.

thought about sitting in support but it's pretty useless, i don't like asking people to sit with me. just been a **** day again. i'm sorry i whine so much on here.

((((((((((((griffe))))))))))))))) It makes me sad that you think you are a burden. You are dear person. A dear friend. You are hurt and as Sannah said, you have a right to be hurt and feel pain. You don't have to stuff it down and pretend you're ok. You are strong to have survived everything. Who knows why you have? Why isn't really that important--you'll know why once you start believing you deserve to heal, believing you can heal.

i really reply to this thread far too often but thanks ((( cant )))

after being told you're a burden far too many times it makes it hard to think otherwise. i just don't like to see my fight and my problems pushed onto others. i feel kinda bad for replying in here so often because i know i whine.

just makes me feel less alone, yknow? don't like feeling alone. feeling alone breeds bad thoughts and makes the pain feel worse

How can you reply too much to your own thread Griffe! Griffe when I talk to you your problems are not pushed onto me. They are your problems and I have my own life. I am only trying to help you. You talking about your pain does not make your pain mine. Griffe, you can decide that you are going to move beyond the old programming and start working on that.

That's why we're here, vince...to listen, to be here, to offer support and advice. That's why I was sooo happy when you came back. I missed you and I know that not having this arena makes things awful lonely. You can never reply too much to a thread. Especially one you started! Trust me, dear friend, if your issues become too much for me, then I have not been a good friend and I need to work on me. We help, we feel, we think and pray, but we will never have the pain you do; I don't take on your pain, I empathize and hurt for what you've been through, but it isn't mine, as Sannah said. I hope that makes sense. I also don't see you as whining. I see you using pc for what it was meant for. networking for support.

(((((((( Griffe )))))))))

I'm here listening, you reply as much as you want to, write absolutely what you need to! The swear words get beeped out.

I always have felt the same as you. Like I was a burden or whining. I'm still new here but everyone is so supportive and remind both of us that we are here to vent and recieve that support. Please continue to talk to us, hopefully it will help. You will be in my thoughts.

hi vince, telling it like it is for you is not whining. i know what you mean though. sometimes when i get upset and really let loose and say things i feel embarrassed or weird. but i noticed that the posts where i finally could let it all fly out onto a thread people were there for me. it was different from my more "cerebral" postings.

vince you and i and a lot of others have been hurt in such inhuman and evil ways. we were defenseless little kids and nightmare things happend. if i had told truth back then they would have killed me.

i just can't hold the pain back anymore or IT will kill me. we who lived through hell deserve to get to live life and stop being in misery full-time.

i think my biggest challenge now is letting good things and kindness back into my life. i look for the "hook", "trick", or "punchline". i would like to do some normal stuff and be able to relax, relax, just let go all over. i guess this is my long range goal. sounds small but it is huge for me. accepting intimacy is my biggest long range goal.

i challenge you to reject the lies that say you do not deserve kindness and friendship and human care. i am working on this myself. leslie and her pixies

it's a good thing swears get beeped out, with the way i talk
appreciate the help you all give me i'm lucky i have good friends here.

had a rough night and i have to go to the doctor today i think. i pretend i'm alright but i wish in a way that people irl would see through that and see that's i'm so obviously not.

i can say i've made some progress which i don't think i've ever mentioned here, i talk to a few people now, i'm sober and while i'm not too open, i do talk to my therapist a bit. it's just not very big, important or praise-worthy progress and it's overshadowed by all the ****ed up things happening right now.

doing normal stuff again would be nice. i still get upset thinking about all the things i can't do now. can't be good at sports anymore, they ****ed up an eye and a leg. i don't draw very well anymore. i don't write very well anymore. i need a hobby. i don't like to go out much, i look like a freak.

i keep thinking back to when my dad died and i was told that i'd be safe now. everyone always says that, that i'll be safe. that whole word, safety, seems like a cruel joke. i can't get out of hell and be happy when i keep getting dragged back there. i feel like i have a stamp on my forehead that says i deserve to be hurt.

just wish i could go invisible. starve myself until i can't be seen anymore. just go away from all the pain in the world.

Here is your trophy Griffe because this is progress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Small steps Griffe! It is the only way to move forward! It is big important and praise-worthy progress!

Your post started out with the positives and then the negatives took over for the rest of the post. This is progress though! It started positive!

So you are sending one message to everyone and hope they get the opposite message . Griffe!!

At least you want them to get this opposite message now, though! This too is progress! Next step.............

I think you are doing awesome that you can talk to a few people now, making progress in WANTING to get better. It's hard to see sometimes the small bits of progress when the pain is so big, but you are taking the small steps need to make one big journey. While I do understand about pretending to be ok while hoping someone notices you really aren't, that's really not the best way--the way is to say 'hey, i'm not ok', but it's hard! You are doing great in making positive steps.