it hurts too much

i've been brought up and 'programmed' since i was a child to not say i'm not okay. it's how it's always been. lick my wounds clean, bring myself to my feet, bandage up my cuts and say i'm okay and secretly hope inside that someone i trust will ask me why i'm cut, why i'm bleeding, ask if i'm okay and when i lie they'll see through my excuses.

on the other hand when presented with an opportunity to say what's going on etc i won't and don't because that's not how i can do things. old teaching, old lessons, those die hard. even if it's harmful, even if it's stupid, what i learned growing up i'm still not able to undo. i may be an adult but my lifeis governed by the rules of the past.

Griffe, are you going to try to turn the page or not? I hope that doesn't sound too tough...........

stay strong and smile inside

skipped therapy today because i didn't feel well and i have to go to the bloody hospital tomorrow or monday and my doctor will ask me a million questions and get on my case about every little thing, ****ing doctors
spent most of the day in bed
haven't seen my kids in forever, hate feeling alone here. there's a few people here (irl) that i talk to sometimes but i'm **** at talking and not very interesting. so instead of wasting my time trying to not feel alone i waste my time lying in bed.
feels like there's no room in this world for people like me
it's pretty pathetic, i'm an adult and i have no friends irl
felt like posting that, just depressed today
hell, always depressed, oh well

I'm sorry your day was so sucky today. Skipping therapy isn't a way to make it better. I have an idea....instead of looking at it like your doctor is on your case, could you try to look at it like your doctor is that person you always wanted to know you weren't ok even when you said you were? He "rides your case" because he cares and wants to see you heal and when you try to hide your hurts--physical and otherwise--he can see through them. That is what you desperately want...try to embrace it, try to just empty yourself to him and acknowledge that here is the person who can see your pain. He may seem like he's being mean or nagging, but it's really caring. He has nothing to gain by nagging or being mean and everything to gain by caring and pushing you to take care of yourself--what he gains by that is to see you heal. That's an awesome benefit, especially to someone who has made their about healing others! Try looking at him through fresh eyes--eyes that have seen hell already and are ready for new sights.

Griffe, you have to practice interacting with others in order to get better. When I started out I could barely talk to people. I have come a long way and I got here by working and continuing to move forward.

Is your fear keeping you in your rut?

I second what CSC said about your doctor. Why does your doc's trying to take care of you bother you?

You have decided that there is no room in this world for people like you and I am coming to understand that you are pretty stubborn when it comes to changing your mind. Are you a Taurus?

i'm a sagittarius but i don't follow that zodiac

doctor nagged the **** out of me yesterday when i wound up going and i went again this morning because i had ot have stuff done and i have to see him again

my injuries arent my ****ing fault and i have to keep going to the ****ing hospital, life isnt fair and its hell and i wish i could ****ing quit life easily

i dont have a place in this world. i don't get along with people my age. im not good at anything. i dont have hobbies. i dont have friends. i dont belong anywhere, i dont matter, its a waste to kid myself otherwise. i have nothing good to me or about me and i cant do this **** even though i always say that and somehow wind up surviving but the cost of survival is hardly worth it

it ****ing hurts this **** that happens, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO ****ING HAPPEN TO ME, do i exsist to be abused and hurt over and over again

i dont think ill be posting for a few days, i dont say anything useful at any rate and all i am is ****ing pissed off and hurt and bleeding and ****. ****ing stuff and ****ing life and the **** happening and **** this **** **** ****

tc all

My style is probably too much for you Griffe. I'm sorry.............

(((((((((((((((((((((((vince)))))))))))))))))))))))))
As you said, good thing the cuss words are bleeped out.
If only you could look through the same glasses as we do when we see you. I know of your "brokenness", your physical injuries. We've talked about them. Yes, there will always always always be idiots in this world who don't accept differences in appearances, who can't get past your injured body. Thank God there are people in this world that can. Kate has loved you for years, however "damaged" (in your words) you are. I personally don't care what you look like. All of this--our skin, our outer bodies..that's fleeting and can be taken away in a second by any kind of accident or act. What's inside you, that's different. I know you are "broken" inside, too. You are shattered. But you aren't beyond repair. Why do you keep fighting? Kate, twins. Even if you never had another reason on earth, those are three awesome reasons....Nope--stop. Don't let it enter your mind. I know the place your thought is going, "they deserve better than me. I'm no good for them." Stop, because that call is not yours to make. It's Kates. You don't get to decide her life for her and her life is you. It's obvious that she sees through the same glasses as we do when we see you. Glasses that see past hurt, past pain, past anger, see to the you that is in there. It's called the past for a reason. When you pass a road sign, it is behind you. You can't see it anymore. If you want to see what it says, you have to back up or turn around. If it isn't something you need, you go forward. If it is something that will affect you, you act on it. The same in life. Your past is behind you. The only way it can still affect you is if you go back, through memories. Moving forward is the fastest way to healing. Getting and letting people help you. I know your past was beyond what there are words for. How do you get something like that out of your mind? The truth is, it will probably never leave your mind, but it can be moved to the back, way to the back where you will have to willingly turn around to see it.

I love talking to you, vince. Does it really matter why? There doesn't have to be a why. Maybe because when I was new you were so nice to me. Maybe because I have fun in the thread war when you used to post. You like sports, you're fun to talk to. There doesn't have to be a why.

The doctor that you says nags you doesn't do it just to hear his own voice. If he didn't give a damn, he'd let you be and say "screw him, he's on his own. He doesn't do what he's supposed to, I have other things to do." Maybe that what others have done, but not him. It takes a special kind of person to nag--they don't care that they are bothering you, they don't care that you don't want to hear what they have to say--they do it anyway, out of love. I'm a realllly good nagger!!!

That's because it is the doctors job to ask questions. No doctor wants to see people hurt and dying, that's why they became doctors.

Let's see....

1.) Your family cares about you
2.) We care about you
3.) Your place in life is with your loved ones
4.) You are one of the best poets I've read
5.) Your interests = your hobbies
6.) You do matter
7.) Things DO get better in time, there is no way your life is going to be **** forever. Impossible. Breaks some sort of law.
8.) The list of all of the good things about you is a pretty long list....but I'll give it a shot:

1.) You CARE
2.) You are STRONG
3.) You are SMART
4.) You are A BEAUTIFUL PERSON

...Well, I could go on, but i'm on a bit of limited time at the moment, but you see my point, yes?


No, you don't live to be hurt. Nobody does.

I like your posts, the good ones make me smile, and the bad ones let me know you are hurting so I can try to help you in the ways that I can.

I'm fine, I will be fine. Take care of yourself, love yourself (or at least try to not hate yourself), while you take a break from PC for a little bit.

(((((((( Griffe ))))))))

don't be sorry. you've done nothing wrong. i'm angry at life and angry at being hurt and at myself, not anyone here.

i just have **** going on right now that i haven't expressly written in words or told anyone about. i've talked around it, talked about how i feel, and i hold too much stuff in and it's eating me up from the inside. i'm just losing my head today because i'm alone and because i feel like i'm dying.

i appreciate you guys for replying so much and always being a help. it's just killing me. i hear your words, don't think i'm angry at you all. i'm just angry at what's happening and what's happened and what i can't say here

That's okay, I know you are just mad at life right now. Take your time, breathe. Healing doesn't happen in a day.