[iamtwilight]

<- i'm putting a ton of these because i need to cry, but can't.

first it was hate hate hate... now it's more like sad sad sad.

two weeks ago now. ok - i was drunk. i got mad at my friend, then realized i needed to get away from him, needed to go home. called a cab. then realize i have no money, and it's really cold and i had been wandering in the cold for about an hour... very dangerous... so he says i can stay at his place for a while, have some coffee and then he'll take me to the bus station. so in my drunken stupidity and desperate need for a warm place, i agreed. he said it wouldn't mean sex, that he was just worried about me, and that his 11 yo daughter was over at his place and he couldn't stand to have her out in the cold at that time of the night.

now it makes me feel like i was asking for it.... i said no. several times. firmly. pushed him away. but everything was kind of flickering... probably due to alcohol - so i might've given him my consent. all i remember is that i shook like mad...

and until now... i have functioned pretty well. as i have about 14 parts, i am one of those who hasn't dealt with any of the SA memories, so this is very odd for me. i feel like i'm going to have to retreat into my inside world and let someone else be on the surface for a while....

i just... feel like i'm dead on the inside. i don't blame anyone... even not myself... not much... because i did say no. and i got out of there as soon as possible.

tried talking about it to the friend i got mad at, but i must've been rather vague because he said "i'm so glad you didn't have to stay out in the cold".

can't tell the psych nurse about it because i've told her i don't drink. it will ruin the trust i've established with her. well - the trust she has established with me. i tried to tell her about the memories of childhood SA, but i took them back by saying "they must be something like those erotic dreams people sometimes have" - and she agreed. also tried to tell her about an alter i was worried about - she said it was because i was sleepy.

makes me think i'd be better off without any of this crazy stuff. when i go clean i'll quit this clowning, collect money to get a referral for psychotherapy from a private psychiatrist.

i do function. i'm just very numb. i can sit and stare at the wall for hours. sometimes i close my eyes and feel like i'm swirling into the abyss of my mind.

i just felt like i should talk about it with someone, with a little more details than "ok, so it happened, life goes on".

life does go on...


twilight

[MINIME]

im sorry, im here.

[multipixie9]

minime,

thank you so much for posting on the other thread where i was, you have a lot going on and you still reached out. wow!

you have some painful stuff going on dear and i am so sorry that horrid guy sexually abused you. the exact same thing happened to my oldest daughter about 18 months ago.

i know you are scared to deal with this stuff, it's so hard with so much already going on, but mini, you really need help, deserve help.
you seem in a conflict about whether to take care of yourself or push the pain back down. you seem to go back and forth like you just can't quite decide things or choose yet. you are waiting for something to signal you that you can now choose to get clean and forget the pain and abuse. or you decide if you did or did not get assaulted because you "asked" for it somehow.

minime, you did NOT ask to be hurt. remembering you said no and pushed him away makes what he did a rape. not consensual sex. he lied to you about his intentions and apparently about his daughter being in the home. mini, there is no way you caused this, but you did make a the choice to drink enough to be unable to protect yourself adequately. that is unhealthy, but it doesn't make you deserving of rape - ever!!!!!!!!!! i am soo sorry he hurt you this way.

living with 14 parts is what i describe as "living life by the committee in my head" (only they seldom ever agree)!!!!! not easy!!!!
being able to numb out into a practical state of catatonia. not ok, not safe and sure as hell not the way you really want to live.

minime, please let me be more personal than you asked for. i spent the last 14 years going through therapy at a snails pace. i wanted to get on with it and it did not happen how i wanted it to. so, all i can say here is that you can make some choices now, you do not have to do things the old way forever. you deserve all the help you can get. i just wish you will take care of yourself, you are worth it, you deserve good. you do not deserve the sa and any other abuse. please

leslie and her brave pixies

[iamtwilight]

thank you minime - kinda need to sit quietly. so welcome - lotsa blankets and comfy pillows here, and when looking up, the stars show. (see-through ceiling)


twilight

[iamtwilight]

thank you leslie & pixies for your reassurance... it is greatly appreciated.

i'm just rather out of words right now. i'd rather not even talk about it. i tried to discuss psychotherapy today with the psych nurse and she convinced me that it will come, i just need to stabilize a bit.

kinda suspicious, they're always clowning around, trying to save money and at the last minute withdraw the opportunity.

but if it happens, all the better.


twilight

[Sannah]

Did this just happen 2 weeks ago?

[iamtwilight]

yes sannah, just a couple weeks ago.

[Sannah]

Are you reporting this as a crime?

[iamtwilight]

oh sannah, i really don't know. it all sounds very conspicuous to me, and i have very little details (i'd hate to go into them anyways). also the fact that i was drunk - i'm afraid that will be his advantage if they ever find him.

i don't want a court case, i just want to get it over with.

[Sannah]

I understand what you are saying . This guy was your friend? Are you doing a friend inventory now?