[mtd]

Hi, I'm new here, but not really new to recovery. been trying to recover from my abuse and related addiction for at least five years. I started facing my repressed sexual molestation memories about a month after first admitting my addiction. recovery has been slow. I remember being molested by a neighbor the summer after first grade. I think there were two of them -- a high school kid and his father, a respected military officer. i've been trying to turn my anger and self-blame away from myself and onto them where it belongs, but this is really hard. I ended up in their house, which broke my mother's rule never to go into anyone's house without her permission. so, look what happened -- i was raped. I wish she was still alive so I could tell her I'm sorry I didn't follow her rules. I wrote an angry letter to my abusers recently. the next day I was driving to work and had an image pop into my head of my driving my fist through his chest. The image just came - i wasn't even thinking about it at the time. it was grusome. this stuff is just so deep in my soul. i started sleep walking again (I get kitchen knives and put them in odd places -- find them again over the next day or two). but, i've become so self-destructive -- this anger really needs to turn away from me. any thoughts on what to do?

thanks for being here.

[ErinBear]

Hi mtd,

I have trouble with anger, too. In this case, even if you broke your mother's rule, that doesn't make you responsible for the abuse...and I hope over time you can realize that. Your neighbors still shouldn't have hurt you. They are the ones who are responsible for the injury that was done to you. They are the ones who are wrong. Going to any other neighbor's house and breaking the rule might have turned out fine, you know? Most people behave fine around children. So it was the other people who were at fault for behaving so abominably.

As far as the anger goes, have you thought about finding some other ways to get the anger out? Like beating a pillow....writing about your anger...ripping up paper....beating your feet on the ground...going running or bicycling hard, if you like exercising....things like that? Listening to angry music or screaming (if you can do that where you are)? Sometimes I write angry things or angry letters, and then rip them up forcefully, and that helps me. Or I take something that I need to rip up anyway and rip it up strongly into a lot of pieces and that seems to help. Somehow ripping is something that helps me when I'm mad.

I don't know if any of this helps, but those are all things that I can do when I'm upset.

Take care,
ErinBear

[mtd]

ErinBear -- Thanks for the encouragement, and the ideas. I drew a couple of pictures about the abuse, maybe I need to rip them up instead of leaving them under my bed. I guess I need to give myself permission to be angry and let it out, rather than turning it onto myself in self-destructive ways. I yelled at my boss today -- guess that wasn't the best way for the anger to come out, even if he was being a jerk.

By the way, "ErinBear" has a lot more personality to it than my "mtd". Maybe I came here and labled myself a little too anonymously. It's probably ok to show a bit more of myself here.

Thanks again.

[ErinBear]

Hi mtd,

Glad you could draw some pictures and that maybe that helped. Yelling is a way to get some anger out too - but sometimes it isn't the healthiest way, you're right. Especially in the workplace with your boss, I think. But hopefully that will work out okay. <G> Still, it is getting some anger out instead of keeping all inside, I suppose. Saying it calmly and rationally is another way and you can still get the message across - and then go rip some paper or something!!!

I think your online nickname, "mtd" is just fine. But if you want to change it, I bet there is a way to do that. Maybe somebody will know.

Please take good care of yourself, and I will be sending good thoughts your way.

Take care,
ErinBear