just can't understand

send a post about middle age sexual difference and have had 5 reponses...one person who responed but doen't want to talk because it is too personal ,afraid i'll be too graffic...I don't understand ...am I in a situation that is uncommon???????? my wife whom I love,charish that I want to be with has told me that she is no longer interested ,in fact, literally chringes when I touch her in the convensional physical intimate way (sex)...says it isn't necessary anymore and I'm devastated and yet no one who has this situation man or women with either side of this wants to talk???????????? I just need to vent ...to try to understand what is happening...I don't want this to destroy my relationship with my wife but ist is and I feel like it's my fault

i'll talk................i know several friends who feel that way. i don't understand it at all but know there are many different reasons for it.

is there a spark there? do you work on it? homework? foreplay? flowers, chores, compliments.......cook dinner? sometimes the sexiest thing a man can do is say i (*&&^%$ up.........especially if you did.

i'm 63 and don't feel like that. but maybe it's my genes. who knows.........

i'll listen...........pat

I'm in my mid 50s my wife is 9 years younger ...we are retired with 2kids in college... there is no question I love my wife and I want to be with her and only her forever...but since she has told me she can no longer respond because she is not interested,it's not important to her...I've been devastated and can't think of anything else...I feel it's truely threathening our lifes together...I know she is more important to me than that lost feeling but...our conventional physical relationship(sex) has not been what I had hoped for and I have told her that before in our life which is not good...I've always tried to be a good lover with consideration, respect and compliments to some of the dirty talk on occasion but she stopped liking that long ago. Just when I thought we had it together ...this. She has taught me sex is not important but this is so difficult...she has agreed to an arrangement...where I get on top and finish myself but with no response from her it is absolutely horrible...I try to think of her kindness,her consideration, her beauty...but knowing she is cringing inside...I can't handle it...professional help is not an option for us.

You say she taught you sex isn't important? Unyet you seem disappointed because she stopped talking "dirty"? I'd say you may want to take a deeper look at whether you want to make love with her or just have sex?

Also you say your sex relationship hadn't been what you'd hoped for? sounds rather imature and selfish to me? I think unless we had the otherside of this tale its hard to say. I would imagine your wife has an whole different tale to tell?

I see she has shared her feelings about sex. But what is her beliefs about sex. What is her opinion about sex for other people. What has she been taught about sex and it's role in a marriage? Do you see what I am getting at? I am trying to find the root or roots of why she feels the way she does.Is she on any medication that could inhibit her sexual desire? Your right this subject should not stop here. How much do to talk together? Please don't take me wrong, I am not trying to say you are to blame. But does she like your personality and find your body attractive? How is your behavior toward her now that she refuses to be intimate with you? usually a sex issue a lot of times is not a simple issue. I agree with you that sex in a relationship is important. And I too would be hurt to find that my partner no longer desired me.I would hate to be in your shoes its a very vulnerable place to be in.I feel that I can't go on without many questions asked. But ultimately it is up to you how much you want to share, so the ball is in your court now. Good luck.

Smilie

Hello Gordon.
I am sorry you are going through this issus with your wife at ths time. I would highly suggest seeking counseling to help you through this, since your wife is obviously having issues herself at this time. Perhaps your wife is experiencing menopause and it is effecting the relationship at this time. Having a heart to heart talk with your wife may be in order, it goes deeper than just sexual issues and it is possibly related to menopause. Try to be open minded and get the help you need and then hopefully your wife will see that you re trying to save the relationship and get help herself. Take care I hope things get better for you and your wife soon. Take care and good day Soidhonia

since Gordon is the one who came here to talk about his feelings and troubles, i suggest that we not attack him. personally, i know that it's very hard to open up when you've got someone at your flank gnawing away.........give him a break.

Gordon is the one who found us, let him in..........pat

gordon i have been married for 19 years and i feel the same as you. i have 2 kids 18 and 15. i feel he no longer wants me. he loves me, but i dont get enough affection or bedroom activity. i too am very sad. i need lots of love and sex and never seem to get it. i feel rejected. pm me , i know our situations may be a little different but i am here to help

love jinnyann xxxxx

jinnyann...my despair is growing...I love my wife with all my heart and can not ever thing about life without her but I'm starting to look at her differently and the pain is really getting to me...I just can't believe whats happening to us because of the way I feel...what are you doing to cope??? I would really appeciated your comments of how you are handling it. Thank you so much for responding

What attack?? Soidhonia's response is very caring and wise!

Gordon, why is professional help not an option for you? Seems to me that is exactly what you need the most since you say your sex life hasn't been what you hoped for.

Maybe there was something in her past life that has made her feel this way. It could be menopause on her part but she seems rather young for that. My feeling is that it goes way deeper than that.

Hoping for the best for the two of you.

Hi, Gordon, and welcome.

It would seem that it may be a problem until professional help IS an option. This has gone on for quite a long time it seems.

Even if she won't go, you can.

There may be person beliefs interfering with her desire at this point, it could be physical, it could be a number of things and a professional could help to find out what's going on.

I think foreplay goes on for most women around the clock...the winks from across the room, doing the dishes the night she was really tired after dinner, etc. In other words it's the "extras".

Also, if there's been alot of upheaval, discord in your relationship, this could be a direct result.

Another issue could be her self-perception of her body. If she finds her self unattractive (whether you do or not), it can affect it greatly.

There could just be many reasons, and I doubt you'll have luck at the solution until you find the source.

I do wish you well.

KD

being a 57 year old woman, on several psych meds. plus having had a hysterectomy, I find sex painful and abit messy, just cuddling and sharing our love is enough, please go to counsiling it does help

Hi, Gordon. I think the "Ask the Therapist" feature here at psychcentral responded to a problem similar to yours, maybe you can find some understanding and similarity/help from that response?

http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-ther...ached-from-me/