[Pomegranate]

To give context briefly: I was sexually abused as a child by an "uncle"-in-law and my older brother, at separate times in my childhood. Both abused me more than once, over periods of time. The uncle I know for sure also abused his step grandaughter. She was my "cousin", my age, and we used to spend time together as friends/relatives.

My mother was sexually abused as a child. She has never sought help, or even thinks she has ever needed any help. My mother found out about my brother abusing me, many years later when I was an adult, from someone else - I did not want her to know. (I did tell her about my uncle when I was an adult.) The rest of my siblings and now their children and other family members mostly do not know about any of this happening to me. Although I sought help for myself, I never wanted to "tell" on these guys.

With my uncle I didn't want to tell because I was afraid I wouldn't be believed. He abused me first and when I was younger. My brother I never wanted to tell on because I felt somewhat protective of him. He grew up in the same hell I did. I never heard of him doing anything like that to anyone else. Early on I rationalized that it only happened because of all the insanity going on in our home. My father was a violent alcoholic. My mother was just as crazy as he was, though not an alcoholic.

I'm 54 years old now. I spent years when I was younger acting out sexually and inappropriately. That all stopped when I gained some insight over 25 years ago.

But recently I find myself feeling angry again. And I wonder if my brother ever did anything like that to anyone else, including his daughter. I have thoughts of wanting to let all the family know what happened with both men. The uncle, I now realize, was (he died several years ago, my mother actually asked me to go to his funeral!!) a pedophile, pure and simple. I'm sure there are other children out there who were hurt by this man.

My brother I'm not sure about. But it has of course impacted our relationship, we are not close. I had never before considered telling any of my other siblings or their now almost grown children, because I did not want to hurt anyone. But there is still much hurt, bad feelings and unresolved issues in our family. Often I feel that other family members blame me for the distance I have kept from certain people, other family members. I feel that they see me as difficult to get along with and as a person who does not care much about other people. This hurts me and makes me angry.

Now I'm thinking that if in the natural order of things the situation happens (again) where I'm feeling like that, and in a natural context that is appropriate, I'm not going to keep silent about what happened between me and my older brother any longer.

I also sometimes think of contacting my uncle's son and/or his grown children, (or even the police in the area my uncle spent the last many years of his life) to tell them what he did, who he was. I imagine that I might actaully somehow be validated by this.

I don't really plan on acting on these thoughts, but I'm not sure. And these thoughts and feelings are with me often enough "recently" and the older I get. I'd like to hear other's experiences, thoughts and feelings.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

To give context briefly: I was sexually abused as a child by an "uncle"-in-law and my older brother, at separate times in my childhood. Both abused me more than once, over periods of time. The uncle I know for sure also abused his step grandaughter. She was my "cousin", my age, and we used to spend time together as friends/relatives.

My mother was sexually abused as a child. She has never sought help, or even thinks she has ever needed any help. My mother found out about my brother abusing me, many years later when I was an adult, from someone else - I did not want her to know. (I did tell her about my uncle when I was an adult.) The rest of my siblings and now their children and other family members mostly do not know about any of this happening to me. Although I sought help for myself, I never wanted to "tell" on these guys.

With my uncle I didn't want to tell because I was afraid I wouldn't be believed. He abused me first and when I was younger. My brother I never wanted to tell on because I felt somewhat protective of him. He grew up in the same hell I did. I never heard of him doing anything like that to anyone else. Early on I rationalized that it only happened because of all the insanity going on in our home. My father was a violent alcoholic. My mother was just as crazy as he was, though not an alcoholic.

I'm 54 years old now. I spent years when I was younger acting out sexually and inappropriately. That all stopped when I gained some insight over 25 years ago.

But recently I find myself feeling angry again. And I wonder if my brother ever did anything like that to anyone else, including his daughter. I have thoughts of wanting to let all the family know what happened with both men. The uncle, I now realize, was (he died several years ago, my mother actually asked me to go to his funeral!!) a pedophile, pure and simple. I'm sure there are other children out there who were hurt by this man.

My brother I'm not sure about. But it has of course impacted our relationship, we are not close. I had never before considered telling any of my other siblings or their now almost grown children, because I did not want to hurt anyone. But there is still much hurt, bad feelings and unresolved issues in our family. Often I feel that other family members blame me for the distance I have kept from certain people, other family members. I feel that they see me as difficult to get along with and as a person who does not care much about other people. This hurts me and makes me angry.

Now I'm thinking that if in the natural order of things the situation happens (again) where I'm feeling like that, and in a natural context that is appropriate, I'm not going to keep silent about what happened between me and my older brother any longer.

I also sometimes think of contacting my uncle's son and/or his grown children, (or even the police in the area my uncle spent the last many years of his life) to tell them what he did, who he was. I imagine that I might actaully somehow be validated by this.

I don't really plan on acting on these thoughts, but I'm not sure. And these thoughts and feelings are with me often enough "recently" and the older I get. I'd like to hear other's experiences, thoughts and feelings.

Re: Need Some Feedback.
I have 3 older brothers and 2 of them were sexually abused by their uncle (mom's brother. This would have happened over 50 yrs. ago. My one brother whose passed away last April struggled with alcoholism all his adult life and that's what ended his life. The other brother managed to cope and have a normal life. Since abused children many times grow up to be abusers I'm assuming your uncle also abused your older brother. I can certainly understand why you felt the need to keep it a secret. But sometimes those secrets can cause destruction to ourselves and manifest into other family problems. If you tell other family members, it should be in a safe setting . As far as telling the police it probably wouldnd't do any good since your uncle is dead. Once when I was 13, my sisters new husband grabbed me and tried to be physical with me. I was lucky and ran away. I never told my sister because I didn't want to ruin her marriage but, I did tell my brothers when I was 18. Even till this day I think about it. So I can only imagine the pain of someone who was sexually abused. I can also understand your overwhelming curiousity of how many other victims there may be at the hands of oyour uncle and brother. I hope you can get help and one day find and heal.

[Pomegranate]

Thanks lynn,

I never even thought about my older brother in regards the uncle who abused me. I did wonder about a younger brother and asked him. He said no.

However a couple years ago I did tell my older brother about what happened with my uncle - in another of my misguided attempts to "heal" a relationship by taking on the other person's problem instead of just focusing on me. He never indicated that my uncle abused him in any way, but I suppose that could be possible. Does not excuse what he did, just like the fact that he grew up in the same hell I did, does not excuse him.

I think my biggest problem right now and all along might be that I have always tried to "fix" my relationships by not only taking care of my "part" in a relationship but the other persons too. I try to make it "easy" on others. I tell myself I haven't loved enough, been understanding enough, been enlightened enough, etc. etc.

While I have had some counseling off and on over the years, I have never tried a support group for this. I thought this would be a safe place to start. I might then even graduate to going to a local f2f support group for childhood sexual abuse survivors. Thanks again for your input.