My psychiatrist recommended group therapy to me and as i refused she said that i should talk about my experiences with friends or something instead. Well i cannot do that irl so i thought i might post here.

Yesterday I had a meeting with my psychiatrist and no matter how often I tell her that the rape is no longer and issue, she decides to bring it up. “You are lying to yourself…this depression, this schizophrenia, it is coming from that BLAH BLAH BLAH”. Well, to be honest, she is probably right. In fact, I am sure she is right. It is not natural for rape to have no effect whatsoever on a person. So I am lucky enough (note the sarcasm) to describe my feelings throughout the ordeal all over again. Not just the actions I was forced to do; not just him cutting my palms (the right one lightly but the left one a bit too deep so I still have the ugly scar) so I could jerk him off until white liquid is mixed with red as he grunts in a way that makes me cringe more than the action. Not just watching the girl next to me sob and cry yank at her dirty blonde hair as the gun is pointed at her. Not just his ridiculously pale blue eyes that water and turn red with his effort as he attempts to be rough enough to hurt me as much as possible. “On your knees”. Which one of us? “The willing one”. The %#@&#! willing one. WILLING? As if I wanted to?! As if I enjoyed it?!? %#@&#! sick. %#@&#! SICK SICK SICK SICK.

[pachyderm]

[lenjan]

I know it seems cruel of your T now, but the more you tell the story, the less power it comes to have over you. Eventually the healing begins, and someday you'll be able to say you've moved on it from it.

I haven't been in your exact shoes, but similar ones, anyway. I didn't believe anyone when they told me that either, but it did turn out to be true. That doesn't mean it isn't going to stink in the meantime.

Hugs, if OK.

Candy

[mtd]

I can relate to not wanting to talk about it, and believing it doesn't matter any more. I did that stuff for a long time, but the power of the flashbacks, the grief, and, eventually, the anger, would not let me ignore it or brush it aside forever. It nearly killed me trying to keep it all in, and I mean that literally.

I know it hurts on some level for you, even now. And on some level, you are probably still in real terror for what you have been through (I can relate -- my childhood assaults were very violent). But I agree that sharing with others helps, a lot. Maybe begin by sharing more here, and then reconsider a group. But don't stop sharing and reaching out for hope. Isolation and denial the worst.

You don't deserve to be alone with this. You deserve real support. It's o.k. to let others help.

be well,

mtd

I too... thought... it doesn't matter.. I was raped.. I am not in pain.. I knew.. my rapist.. my husband..

The pain... the hurt... the terror... it eats away.... and yes.. the shame...

And.. I thought.. too to talk about.. it.. what difference would it make.. "I feeL nothing"...

Getting it out... talking about it.... has eased my pain... my acute pain...

much care for you...

Thanks for the replies everyone. I was really considering deleting the post but I think I will keep it up now. Yes candybear, thanks for those words a lot. I sort of knew it might be worth it in the long run but I really wanted someone to tell me that so thanks.
((((mtd)))) ((((freewill)))) ((((psych))))