This is being re-posted because it's one of the memories that I can barely remember anymore lately all of my memories seem to be drifting away from me..

But yeah...a very, very old post.

Original title:
A memory that has been bugging me lately

Maybe posting it here will help?

I remember it was when I was about 6...possibly seven, I was playing in my room, and then I don't remember if my brother asked me to come into his room or if I was bored and wanted to see what he was up to...anyways, I walked in, and the next thing I know he has me pinned on the bed with his hands around my throat trying to strangle me!

He was seven at the time, and I don't think he really meant any harm by it, just a new way to learned how to beat me up I guess (we used to beat eachother up alot) but it still scared the crap out of me.

I don't think this was the only time though, I mean, the only time he had his hands around my neck like that, (I think I even did that to him too, I don't have a great memory with these things)

By the way, my brother is almost exactly one year and 8 months older them me (give or take a day)

I guess it's been bugging me alot lately, and I think that if I told somebody IRL, they would have a hard time believing it, and I know he would probably deny it. (even if he wasn't ashamed, he hit his head off a brick when he was around 8, and doesn't remember that much before then) at this point, I'm not sure if I can believe it myself. It wouldn't be the first time that my memories from that era were warped.

I used to write a little journal for school, but I destroyed it when I was 10, because it was full of lies, and I felt a bit of shame and hatred about lieing to my teacher. The thing I remember most about that journal was that I wrote that me dad gave me a little dog and we would take it everywere (thus, it appeared numeros times in my entries) even though we didn't have a dog with dad and I didn't have any imaginary friends. ...I digress

[deliquesce]

hi sweetie,
i can't offer much in the way of support right now, but i did want to let you know i read this post.
i'm sorry things are difficult for you right now. i hope things pick up soon.
xo deli

[Sad In TX]

Well, it's bothered you enough to re-post, so that is saying something pretty heavy.
Are you still afraid of him? Are you afraid of talking to him about it because of how he might react, especially if he says he doesn't remember it?
If you are afraid of opening an old wound, maybe writing him a letter about how you felt would make you feel better. You don't have to send it, but maybe it will ease your mind to get it out and forgive him for it.
I've been sexually assaulted, and as part of my therapy I had to write a letter to the guy whose name I didn't and will never know and forgive myself and him for what happened as a means to try to release the pain.

It's not the be all end all, and not the magic answer, but it may help you with getting over it by forgiving yourself and him for what happened. Maybe one day you will feel strong enough to tell him what happened, and that you're telling him because of the fear you felt that day but you aren't trying to hurt him by letting him know how you felt.
Sometimes people can surprise you. But I suggest the letter strongly, and maybe when you feel strong enough you could read it to him.

My relationship with my brother is strange.
I love him, but at the same time despise him
Fear? Not really. More or less I've learned to stay as far away from him as humanly possible when he's upset. Sometimes that means locking myself in my room when he is stomping around? Yep. I might be afraid to tell him how I feel because he's a lot like my dad and will either get upset at me for feeling the way I feel or be supportive. It feels like if I told him it's spoil something. Like how getting too serious in a friendship ruins it. More then I hate him though I worry about him, he has always had such volatile emotions.

[Sannah]

Maybe a portion of your distress over your brother comes from the present and his unpredictableness?

Most likely, but he isn't the only unpredictable one. My step-dad is the worst when it comes to this department. He will- and I kid you not, completely change his mind in the course of a few minutes. Now, this wouldn't be a big deal if he wasn't so passionate about everything. For example, yesterday in the store mama was going to return an item, but due to store policy they couldn't give her the money back, but could only give her a gift card instead because she payed with cash. Well, my step dad threw a huge stink about it, telling the poor lady what she was saying was a "crock of ****" before walking out of there steamed. Told us on the way home how he'd complain to the attorney general...and then just a few minutes later he said the deal was that we'd just not do anything and just not shop there anymore. He's a really nice guy one minute and then he acts mean the next and then he acts nice again and apologizes and gets really mad I don't come leaping back like nothing happened. My mom just copes with it by just going with the flow, knowing that's just the way he is, my brother quite frankly doesn't care. I seem to be the only person upset by this.

[Sannah]

He sounds like he has a lot of anger and very poor skills in knowing how to deal with it. He would certainly keep you on edge!

Well, he's never really that loud when he is angry, nor is he super aggressive... but he stops caring. He knows when, what, and how to say things so even if he is wrong, he seems right and you end up feeling trapped in a corner, hurting, but too tired and confused so you just give up. When he knows he's going to do something stupid he'll just get up and leave, even though when other people try to do the same he insists that you stay to solve whatever problem you have as a family. He uses past actions against you but whenever you do the same he accuses you of "keeping score". He tells me to listen to myself and the way I say things when he is even worse then I am. He asks for respect but when I lay down a simple boundary he not only acts completely disrespectful, he also tells me to stop being so sensitive when I get mad at him about it. He's not like this all of the time, most of the time is is as he was, but there are a number of times he's like this.

I can't really resent him because of all of his good qualities. I've always loved him, but he's changed a lot (even from a few years ago) and I don't like who he has changed into.

[Sannah]

Kaika, you are very wise. You know exactly what is going on. Now what can you do for yourself that will help you to feel less vulnerable and more secure?