please give me advice on my sister

I have a sister who is very troubled.We come from an extremely abusive past.Emotionally sexually and physically.My sister started cheating on her husband since less than a year after they were married and has continued this behaviour for 25 years.Also she has said she did not love him in the first few months and continued to say this.She has put him down and argued steady,loud rage filled fights.Granted her husband has been cold and unsupportive of her through the years.I would be too.She demands trust on the basis that she won`t cheat again though she always does.She controls where he goes and for how long.He is ofcourse allowed to work.Yet she has spied on him to see if he is looking at any pretty girls who may be near their job site.She starts huge fights because while driving he may have glanced at a girl.She claims he is lusting and demands to know what he is thinking.She starts huge fights if she thinks she has evidence in his underwear of him masturbating when he should have wanted her.Personally I could not want a spouse who cheated too many times to count.He is not allowed to masturbate and she is always checking and asking and accusing him of lying.Yet she has many different vibrators she uses.She feels he should not mind her hanging out with past lovers cause she does not have sex with them now.He is not allowed to stop for coffee with my husband cause he may be a abd influence on hers.My husband is one of the most gentle kind giving person I have ever since who seldoms drinks and very little when he does.Yet she goes to night clubs regularly alll night .She takes several hours to get ready though she says she is only going to dance.She is stoned on pot and I am fairly sure other drugs based on her eyes and behaviour.Is drunk constantly.This is all told from her side of the story and what I see.Not his side ,he rarely says a word about her.He has never hit her,worked hard and buys her anything she wants.Including all new furniture,curtains clothes dishwasher stove fridge brand new expensive vehicle at 600 a month.Plus a spending allowance,big and cell phone.Yet he is no good according to her.He has been a great dad taking the family to lakes picnics camping boating and vacations,private schools.All from his hard earned money as a self employed framer.I have to listen to her tell me how bad she has it,how terrible he is,and this is her excuse for drinking and drugging and partying.She cheated many times cause he lusted.She goes on and on and on year after year getting worse and worse.The oldest boys are away from home and she was a good mom ,very good .The youngest who is 15 is often at our house as the figjhts are almost steady.The husband is becoming suicidal and does not know what to do.She says she hates deceit yet conceals the amount of alcohol and drugs she uses.She thinks she is fooling her and my kids about her smoking.I smoke but openly.I told her to leave if he is so bad.She won`t.I see her destroying herself with hate ,pride,and drugs.A weight comes into the room when she comes over.We have always been very close and I love her dearly.She was warm hearted to her brothers and sisters and a huge help to many of them for years.She was a wonderful mom.She was wonderful to everyone but her husband.I know what a bad husband is about .I had a few who beat me,drank,took all the money I had ,said horrible things,abused me every way till it nearly destroyed me,until I met my present husband whom she thinks I should leave , cause he is not perfect.I am scared she may have a bad accident or overdose.I am so scared I am angry at her.I am, angry she refuses to forgive or see the seriousness of her behaviour.My mom says do not talk to her ,it is not loving,it is beating her over the head.I feel real love mandates I do something.I know her husband is cold ,neglects her sexually,but you cannot hate someone and force them to love you.I am feeling angry and lost and confused it is hard to listen after so many hours for so many years.Plus the alcohol and drug abuse is out of control.Please help me with some advice.Tell you about some of the others later wh9o always come to me for every kind of help and it is draining me as I have suffered serious mental illness due to my childhood ,poor spouses and too much overload.I am working well I have serious lung problems ,some heart problems.I go to hospital for oxygen sometimes.Take inhalers prednisone,had heart and lung surgery in the past.Work as a housekeeper,and take anti depressants and clonazepam.Used to take risperdal.Again please help me I am worn out and scared for them and me.

i'm so sorry for what you've gone thru. you and your sister. childhood abuse can affect us so much.

i understand about the bonds of a suffering sibling. other than being there for her and encouraging her to get help, there's not much more you can do. i'm sorry that it's not much advice i know you see her suffering and want to help, but she has to be the one to reach out and to get it.

one thing you can do, is look for possible places she can call and go to in order for emotional and physical help. you can hand her the referrals and tell her you'll go with her. have you tried that?

i know it hurts. i know it's such helpless feeling

i'm wishing so much for all involved right now.

be safe,

kd

Kimmydawn,

Thanks for your help,I have tried to get her to go for help,yet she adamntly refuses,blaming her husband for all her behaviour and claiming she don`t need it,However I wonder if she may change her mind if I offer to go with her .You are right I do feel helpless.I like your username ,very pretty

Sounds like you have tried all that you can. There is a time to let go. So that they can learn the way they need to learn.