Can anyone give me advice??????

Can anyone give me advice. I am having so many anxiety attacks over going to Texas to see family. I don't feel I have any choices because I am the oldest and everyone expects me to be there. I have tried to find a way to forgive but I just cannot do it. My mother (which I do not like to even say) is now in Texas and I don't understand why there's so much pressure for me to be there for her birthday. She has never done anything for any of us and she was involved in the trauma of our life. But since I went into treatment, everyone expects me to forgive and act like nothing ever happened. I get so upset everytime I go but something inside me feels so responsible for everyone and it is killing me. I cannot calm down and it is causing havic in my system. It feels as though I am going crasy inside and I can't see for all the turmoil. Everything seems so out of control and I am scared to death. I feel like someone else is taking over and there's nothing I can do about it. I am so angry that I cannot be okay unless I meet everyone's expectations. I don't understand myself and I keep crying. I cannot sit still for very long. Just seems like I have to keep going. I feel cold and shakey that I cannot get control. I feel like I have no choices. I don't want a mother!!!!!!!! I keep saying that I am giving up my family but everytime they call I feel trapped just like when I was a child. And I go back to that state where I had no control. Last time I went, something was put in my drink and I felt drugged. I could not get away. I feel scared and unable to say no. I don't know if anyone can even understand what I am saying or if it even makes any sense, but I am really scare.

i'M sorry for what you are going trough. Have you talked with your therapist about this? I can only say if your having this much anxiety over going to texas, then do what rights for you and not go. If someone put someting in your drink to make you feel drugged, If I were you I would not go. Send a birthday card or make a phone call. Just explain to your mother that this just is not a good time for you to go to texas, but wish her a happy bithday. Do you have any coping skills to reduce your anxiety?

I agree, don't go. If you have any way of proving that someone drugged your drink, family or not, you should call the police! Nobody has a right to do that to you!

Purplesecrets, anchor yourself on the "other side". Make an appointment or looking into starting some project when you get back (or go buy a little notebook to use as a journal just to detail this trip and to give your T when you get back). Pretend the trip is a "tunnel" and you just have to last through it and then you'll be right out the other side, safe and sound :-) When I terminated with my T I planned a huge trip to Europe a couple months later and moved, etc. and was too busy moving forward to be so anxious. Or, start something now that is ongoing (I joined a women's group before I terminated therapy but it didn't work out). Either "bridge" or look beyond.

Don't fret too much about the "everybody else" part. Show up and be "selfish". Your mother wants you to be there, you're there, period, end of statement. "Happy Birthday, Mom, where's the cake and I hope it's chocolate" :-) Everyone's grown up or nearly grown up so they'll have to get use to the "new" you. You don't take care of anyone but yourself. You're there because that's how "these things" work, but you don't have to be "happy" about it.

I had terrible anxiety over what I called "duty" visits to see my dad. I didn't handle them well. I drank a lot just to get through them. He's since passed away & looking back I think the visits were very detrimental to my mental health. I don't think you should go anywhere that makes you feel this much anxiety & stress. Take to your t & maybe you can figure out a way to appease the family without putting your mental health at risk.--Suzy

I like your name,does it have a meaning behind it? Gosh that's a good question should you go to Texas? IMO thats a big risk for you to go. I know what is it like to have someone who is suppose to be dear to you but in reality could very well be your enemy.I lived with someone who did this to me and I lived with that person for over a year later. I had to guard my cup and always make my own food to insure my safety. It is a terrible existence. And I had a friend that had her husband do the same thing to her and she had permanent internal damage and psychological trauma to boot.I think the birthday card in the mail is a great idea.
I hated doing the pretend thing too just to survive.Maybe you can write letters to the ones that have hurt you. But never send them.And write the visit you wish you could have in Texas.. Change the ending so to speak this wish letter will be able to identify with your inner child and the adult you.But be for warned this could bring up a lot of pain anxiety, fears, anger, rage, helplessness, and intense sorrow(write about those emotions too.) It's like vomiting out all the emotions and learning to identify those emotions and learning how to filter through those emotions. Which is not an easy thing to do.So you may have to write it in increments as much as your emotional state can take. Just remember this is not a marathon and you have no time limit and you are doing this to take care of you. So don't cram through it like a x am. Be gentle and patient with yourself. And if you have a T then this could be good material to cover with your T at your own pace.
Good luck my friend and hugs and blessings.
Smilie