[RACEKA]

Has anybody dealt with spiritual abuse? Among other abuses my mom has made me afraid of God. She would threaten me with God's wrath. If she thought I was lying she make me put my hand on the bible. I would then always tell the truth. I see God as abusive. I see him as strick wanting us to do as he says or we'll burn in hell. She never taught me about Jesus. She never told me I was loved. Love is another issue for me.

I learned about Jesus as an adult and he seems so gentle and comforting. The opposite from God.

I've been attending church for 8 years wearing my mask. I listen to christian music and it lifts me up. I work with a Christian counselor and have read several spiritual abuse books. I know they say he loves us and wants the best for us. I don't understand love because I have never felt love.

I try to have a relationship with God, but I can never stick with it. Whenever I go wayward I totally pretend God doesn't exisit. I won't even listen to Chrisitan music.

I just want to feel he loves me. I'm so programmed that I'm headed for hell, I'm posessed and will never make it to heaven. My mom told me that. I will never make it to heaven. So I just give up.

People can tell me the truth over and over but my mind just doesn't soak it in and my body doesn't feel it.

Any suggestions?

[Kiya]

Raceka,
There is a lot that could be said - but there is a very strict ruling on what can be posted around the issues of religion. I would be more than happy to PM you if you want - you can PM me. I have a graduate certificate in interfaith from seminary and have experienced many different types of spirituality and done a lot of study. There are also various social groups that delve into these topics that you may want to explore. In the time being, i would say read everything you can get your hands on about God (in any and all faiths) as well as healing that major wound. Like you say, it doesn't matter how many times people tell you "the truth", you don't believe it. That wound is still too much of a gaping maw. You might even try just starting up a conversation with God... like talking to a potential friend (a stranger you don't know). Just saying "Hi, how's it going?" daily would be a start to healing that wound. Wishing you the best... feel free to PM me. Kiya

[chaotic13]

I struggle a lot between believing/connecting and saying its all a bunch of BS. I really struggle with walking on water one minute and drowning the next. I think part of this has to do with not feeling God's love and protection as a child.

[Rapunzel]

(((((( Raceka )))))))

I think this is one of the worst kinds of abuse. It makes me sad every time I hear about adults who use God as a threat or a punishment or an excuse to be abusive, and I'm positive that God must be pretty livid about it Himself.

If you are interested in a book that deals with spiritual abuse, and shows it for what it is, and offers a solution (love), one of my favorites is A War of Gifts, by Orson Scott Card. Not what you would expect from science fiction.

[RACEKA]

Thanks for all your replies. Rapunzel I will get that book today, they have it at my library. Thanks. I let you know what I think.