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#1
Apr 25, 2009, 03:25 PM
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Today, I am having a very strong desire to contact my father. He has physically and emotionally abused me as a child, and played a role in some SA. He continues to be abusive in his conniving, I love you, and I never did anything wrong ways when I contact him to this day.
I haven't spoken with him in a few months. We don't talk on the phone...we just email each other, but I am supposed to be staying away from him because he's not good for me... It's like a compulsion... I feel like I need to know what he's up to, where he's at, what he's doing, and then when I know all this, I will feel safe from him again for a while. If I don't contact him, I will not feel safe. I need to know what he is up too and know he is not coming for me.
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#2
Apr 25, 2009, 05:05 PM
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There there sweet girl. Lots of thoughts, uncertainty in replying yet want to support too.
Thoughts: Has he come after you in the past as an adult? If not, seems like this is a younger part that is scared. Why? Is there a specific trigger going on that you can become aware of? Regardless of reason, can you comfort this part? If T already believes father is unhealthy for you, is this compulsion to contact him part of a cycle of sorts that historically leads to more unhealthy contact? Thinking it would be a good idea to sit on this until you can talk to your T. i know it's hard to do that when perseverative thoughts going on. Care for you and want you to be safe...thinking better to do self care, calming, nurturing to get by this persistent thought. i have thoughts about my brother...wanting to confront though very very scared even tho he knows where i live and could have come after me if he wanted. in past, with confrontation before i knew extent of what he did he moved away. HE the one scared tho could have been coincidence seemed to happen fast. Anyway, i care. If there's anything i can do, please let me know. Sit with you, chat with you, PM with you. Not available from 4:00 to 5:00pm Pacific and 11:00 to 12:00 pm--talk to best friend online those times. Otherwise can be here for you if you want. It ok to ask, it's ok not to ask. 
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 Elysium
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#3
Apr 25, 2009, 08:42 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#4
Apr 26, 2009, 01:41 AM
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~ MeSo...thank you for your reply, hun!! You really are very sweet and I appreciate your support!!
 ~ Sannah...this is exactly what I used to do when I was a kid, just slightly different. Sometimes, I would wake up in my room, terrified, unable to move. Once the fear would let up, I would get up and walk to my parents bedroom and make sure my dad was still in bed asleep. Sometimes I would sit outside their bedroom door because I was afraid that my dad would try and get me in bed if I went back to sleep. It's a repeating pattern. I get the fact that I'm not a little child anymore, and he lives two states away from me, but I still can't let this go!!  I did end up contacting him by email. Thank goodness I got a hold of him. He has two email accounts and when I emailed his main account postmaster bounced the message back saying "bad address". I immediately went into a mild anxiety attack. I emailed his other account and he finally responded. I'm glad I checked because he is moving from Utah to Arizona soon. He wasn't going to tell me. Despite hating him to the core for what he has done to me...there is still that little girl inside that loves her daddy. And a couple other alters who want to keep tabs on him. I'm really worried about him though. He's moving to a small town and he's going to live in a large tin shed that used to be a recycling plant. I swear...the older he gets, the more he seems to be turning into the Unibomber!!! 
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#5
Apr 26, 2009, 08:32 PM
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Now I see why you are compelled to check on him. Those deeply ingrained habits are tough.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#6
Apr 26, 2009, 09:33 PM
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Quote:
I recognize these kinds of patterns in myself and dislike them so . If i don;t do the contacting there is none really and that hurts also its a lose/ lose always with an abuser. Better to stand still and not make the move forward what this does is gets them off the hook . if we contact they must be okay when they are not. It just a wish a fantasy that it will be okay . part of the time it was . stay strong. Patricia |
| Elysium
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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