[del12]

I grew up w/alcoholic parents and have dealt with quite a bit of verbal/emotional abuse (no physical or sexual abuse) from my father, some siblings and even others in my life. My T says I have the right and should stand up for myself. My problem is that it seems that every time I do speak up for myself I am either told I am out of line or treated as if I am an awful person for speaking up and snubbed by not only the abuser but sometimes the people around me at the time. I don't think that I am out of line when I tell someone what they say is hurtful or ask them not to do what they are doing. How do you get through this. I pretty much just give up and don't say anything any more letting my abusers continue to put me down.

[Sannah]

Hi Del! This makes it tough if you are dealing with an abuser because they have a different playbook.

When you stand up for yourself you aren't looking for the person to agree because they never will if they are abusive. You speak up for yourself and then have plan B if the situation continues. You can't make anyone do what you want except through consequences like you leaving if needed. (I guess leaving would be the final plan and they wouldn't be doing what you want if it got to this). I hope this makes sense! If not please let me continue to explain!

[del12]

When it comes to my family I do leave, but then I get the wrath of my siblings later. Sometimes I am in a situation where I can't leave and the person who is verbally tearing me apart continues even if I gently ask them to stop. It seems I then get the glares from others around me as if to say how dare you stand up for yourself. I feel like they either think I deserve it or they don't like it if someone upsets the staus quo. I really don't think they understand where I am coming from. It would be so nice if soneone would back me up. I guess that won't happen. Thanks for your support. It is interesting that they agree with me when the abuser leaves.

[Luce]

Hey Del. Perhaps if 'this is the way things have always been done' in your family, everyone has 'adapted' to the status quo and rocking the boat by doing something different is too confronting for them.
It sounds like you were taught that you don't have the right to stand up for yourself. And that your family 'believes' this. but it IS okay for you to learn something different, even if they don't agree with it. Even if they continue to behave the way they have always behaved. That doesn't make them right: it only makes them entrenched in their own abusive patterns of communication.

One thing that works for me when dealing with people like that (my own family, lol) is just being a broken record. I love the broken record technique because it doesn't require me to think of anything different to say - I can just stick to repeating "I don't like being spoken to disrespectfully and I want you to stop". They can come back with as many variations of their crap as they like, but the bottom line is, I don't like being treated that way, and I want them to stop.
Eventually they stop. I spose because they are not getting anything out of it. LOL.
The other thing I like about the broken record technique is that it allows me to remain true to myself. It allows me to stand up for myself. And it allows me to send them a very strong message that I am not going to engage with them in their crap, and I am not going to take on their crap, and what they are doing IS, in fact, crap.

You really don't have to take their crap. But I do appreciate that it is a huge thing to unlearn after years and years of being on the receiving end of it. Keep working at it, eh?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by del12

Sometimes I am in a situation where I can't leave and the person who is verbally tearing me apart continues even if I gently ask them to stop.

It seems I then get the glares from others around me as if to say how dare you stand up for yourself. I feel like they either think I deserve it or they don't like it if someone upsets the staus quo. It is interesting that they agree with me when the abuser leaves.

Why can't you leave and why do you have to keep being around this abuser?

So these people are afraid of the abuser then?

[del12]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Why can't you leave and why do you have to keep being around this abuser?

So these people are afraid of the abuser then?

Well there is a person (my boss)at work who has yelled at me and put me down in front of fellow workers and consultants that come and work with us. I can't leave work I do walk out of the room red in the face and wanting to cry. I don't feel safe to tell my boss that they are out of line and to not speak to me that way. My boss in vindictive and does this to other co workers (so I hear). I think that if I wasn't such a victim of abuse from growing up in a verbally abusive family it wouldn't have such an impact on me. I just don't know how to handle it in those situations and my co workers certainly wouldn't risk speaking up in front of my boss.
Yes I think they are afraid of our boss. I guess in a perfect world we would all turn to my boss and say you are out of line and you need to be respectful of ______________.
I guess my question is how do you stand up for yourself and when they don't accept it or continue with the abuse you can still feel okay with yourself?

[Sannah]

Del, this is complicated! Good for you for leaving the room! Can you get it in your mind that he has the problem and not you?

[del12]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Del, this is complicated! Good for you for leaving the room! Can you get it in your mind that he has the problem and not you?

I wish I could and I am working on that! Thanks

[mixedup_emotions]

I can relate to what you're going through. One of the things that my T warned me is that my friendships and relationships will change as a result of me becoming more assertive.

I started creating boundaries with my husband....and he lashes out. He is resisting the changes that I've made....but I am sticking with it. He will not be permitted to treat me the way he wants to treat me. He will only be permitted to treat me the way I want to be treated. And if he doesn't, then communication is over.

Same thing with the issue with my neighbors last night. I literally threw them out of my house. In the past, I would either be passive and let them say what they wanted even if I disagreed....out of fear and low self-worth. I am still struggling with that, but I realized last night just how far I've come. Once the discussion with my neighbors became confrontational, argumentative, and something I was not comfortable with, I told them they could leave. They were absolutely stunned! I then forcefully told them to GET OUT OF MY HOUSE....and the backlash I got from them was NOT nice.

I am not happy about the repercussions that I'm about to face....and I fear how this will play out as far as my daughter goes...especially since these are parents of her friends.

But I am in the process of retraining those around me that I will only accept being treated a certain way. And if they don't like it....then that's on them.

Easier said than done.....I never thought I'd get this far, but I am making progress....And as scary as it feels, it's not as awful of a feeling as backing down and allowing myself be treated in a way that does not feel good to me. I am worth more than that.

[Sannah]

Good work MUE!!!! Let us support you as you face this!

[del12]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I can relate to what you're going through. One of the things that my T warned me is that my friendships and relationships will change as a result of me becoming more assertive.

I started creating boundaries with my husband....and he lashes out. He is resisting the changes that I've made....but I am sticking with it. He will not be permitted to treat me the way he wants to treat me. He will only be permitted to treat me the way I want to be treated. And if he doesn't, then communication is over.

Same thing with the issue with my neighbors last night. I literally threw them out of my house. In the past, I would either be passive and let them say what they wanted even if I disagreed....out of fear and low self-worth. I am still struggling with that, but I realized last night just how far I've come. Once the discussion with my neighbors became confrontational, argumentative, and something I was not comfortable with, I told them they could leave. They were absolutely stunned! I then forcefully told them to GET OUT OF MY HOUSE....and the backlash I got from them was NOT nice.

I am not happy about the repercussions that I'm about to face....and I fear how this will play out as far as my daughter goes...especially since these are parents of her friends.

But I am in the process of retraining those around me that I will only accept being treated a certain way. And if they don't like it....then that's on them.

Easier said than done.....I never thought I'd get this far, but I am making progress....And as scary as it feels, it's not as awful of a feeling as backing down and allowing myself be treated in a way that does not feel good to me. I am worth more than that.

Good for you ! I am finding the same resistance with many of my family members. This week I did stand up to a co worker who has gotten it in her head that she could do no wrong and that it was okay for her to be condescending and rude to others. Well she piped up at a meeting being sarcastic and rolling her eyes and I called her on it. Of course she acted like she didn't know what she did wrong and tried to get the others to back her. (I used to just sit there and listened to her and cower thinking that there was nothing I could do) Much to my surprise the others actually backed me up and said to her that we didn't need that kind of behavior amongst us. Wow I was stunned. In the past no one had the guts to stand up for themselves and she got away with it. She to will learn that everyone needs to be treated with respect and I am learning that I need to treat myself with respect! Who knows if she will go crying to the administration as she has done before.
Thanks for your post

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by del12

Good for you ! I am finding the same resistance with many of my family members. This week I did stand up to a co worker who has gotten it in her head that she could do no wrong and that it was okay for her to be condescending and rude to others. Well she piped up at a meeting being sarcastic and rolling her eyes and I called her on it. Of course she acted like she didn't know what she did wrong and tried to get the others to back her. (I used to just sit there and listened to her and cower thinking that there was nothing I could do) Much to my surprise the others actually backed me up and said to her that we didn't need that kind of behavior amongst us. Wow I was stunned. In the past no one had the guts to stand up for themselves and she got away with it. She to will learn that everyone needs to be treated with respect and I am learning that I need to treat myself with respect! Who knows if she will go crying to the administration as she has done before.
Thanks for your post

Way to go, Del!!!! THAT's a great start! You have a voice....and one thing that my T taught me is that we can change the behavior first - even if it's uncomfortable and difficult to do - and the brain/your feelings will follow later. It's not easy to be assertive....but once you get the hang of it, watch out!!!

Oh, and another thing that another T told me was that if you are assertive and people's feathers get ruffled - then maybe they needed to get their feathers ruffled....

[Sannah]

Wow, good work Del!