[CloserToTheMid]

I'm a member of AA. My daughter, turns out, is also an alcoholic/addict. I'm so happy she has begun her journey to recovery and sober living. I am also a sponsor. Of course I would never sponsor her, but I really want to support her. She has a sponsor, and I don't want to get in the way.

My question is, what should I and shouldn't I do or say in my relationship with my daughter regarding the program. My sponsor has already given me one: Don't ask her about her program. Let her come to me if she really wants to talk about it. What do you think, friends? What would you do?

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by CloserToTheMid

I'm a member of AA. My daughter, turns out, is also an alcoholic/addict. I'm so happy she has begun her journey to recovery and sober living. I am also a sponsor. Of course I would never sponsor her, but I really want to support her. She has a sponsor, and I don't want to get in the way.

My question is, what should I and shouldn't I do or say in my relationship with my daughter regarding the program. My sponsor has already given me one: Don't ask her about her program. Let her come to me if she really wants to talk about it. What do you think, friends? What would you do?

I'm glad your daughter decided to to get sober, attend meetings and get a sponsor (Damn! It took me the longest time to ask someone to be my sponsor!) If you had questions about her drinking/using it's got to be a huge relief to know she's acknowledging she has/might have a problem.

I'm with your sponsor 100%. I'm a proponent of the idea that everyone has space to work the program a little differently...You probably know of other sponsors in the program who work differently with their sponsees than you do with your sponsees. I'm kind of an AA radical, though, as you might have gathered if you read a post that was opened here in the 12 step forum yesterday. I'm kind of way out there...

Since you know that about me before I give advice, I'll share my girlfriend's & my experience. We met in AA & have been living together for 11 years. Wow! Do we ever work totally different programs! She did the steps the first time in one month...You might have heard of Back to Basics "seminars." It took me about two years to work the steps. She's religious & I'm an agnostic. She uses Hazeldon guides & the 12 & 12 with sponsees & I don't...etc. These things just scratch the surface. Despite the fact we've both been in the program quite a few 24 hours, we go to different meetings & don't question each other about the way we work our programs. Doing so would be a disaster! We both have our space...which keeps us speaking to each other.

However, we often volunteer info/talk program...but we never push each other, pry or question our very different approaches. Again, space is the key! I think if we were to push or pry, one of us would either be back out, or we would no longer be together. It should probably be the same way with your daughter. In time, she might want to discuss program...If not, that's OK, too. Keep in mind (& you probably know this from sponsoring others) many people go back out in their "first rodeo." Don't push her if she does...In fact she might be afraid that she might fail & disappoint you. Do you think that might be an issue?

Anyways, I've intruded enough! Advice is a dime a dozen & all I'm playing with is my two cents worth! Again, it's got to do your heart good to know that she's going to meetings & actually got a sponsor! That shows she's willing to hear the about someone else's "experience, strength & hope". Blah, blah, blah...I pontificate too much. Take care & easy does it.

[CloserToTheMid]

Your advice is welcome! The other thing I was told was that I should never go to a meeting with her. That becomes obvious when either of us wants to share. I am very happy that she has chosen this and she very much wants to share it with me. I'm just really careful about advice.

[rainbow in the dark]

Hi Closer to the Mid,

I hope it all goes well for you and your daughter!

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by CloserToTheMid

...I was told was that I should never go to a meeting with her. That becomes obvious when either of us wants to share.

...

The reason my GF & I never go to the same meetings arose from my opening up at a meeting we both went to! When my turn to talk came, I shared that my first go-round in AA was precipitated by my getting blackout drunk when I was with another girlfriend - 20 years previously. My current GF wasn't aware of this "other woman" from an altogether different decade. When we got in the car after the meeting, she said, "Why didn't you ever tell me about that woman? I thought I knew you better!" End of common meetings!

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by CloserToTheMid

... Let her come to me if she really wants to talk about it.

Agreed, but with the exception of there being only one A.A. program to even talk about.

Personally, I was the one who had previously explained "alcoholism as we understand it" to my own daughter and then waited for her to ask about permanent recovery as we who have permanently recovered have experienced it, and now today it is great for us to be walking precisely the same path together!

[madisgram]

I totally agree with your sponsor. It's wonderful news about your daughter. It can become difficult when a loved one realizes they have a problem and standing on the sideline but that's the best thing you can do for her. We need to keep a healthy distance just like most of us do about politics or religion.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by madisgram

I totally agree with your sponsor. It's wonderful news about your daughter. It can become difficult when a loved one realizes they have a problem and standing on the sideline but that's the best thing you can do for her. We need to keep a healthy distance just like most of us do about politics or religion.

It is wonderful news! And it is difficult to stand on the sideline. She and I are very close and she shares her life very openly with me. When it pertains to alcoholism I always recommend that she talk to her sponsor, but if she asks for it I sometimes give my perspective. It's a fine line to draw. I am a sponsor, and I have my own ideas about what she might be doing. I was SOOO tempted to advise her when she told me that after 60 days of sobriety she was still struggling with Step 1.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by CloserToTheMid

It is wonderful news! And it is difficult to stand on the sideline. She and I are very close and she shares her life very openly with me. When it pertains to alcoholism I always recommend that she talk to her sponsor, but if she asks for it I sometimes give my perspective. It's a fine line to draw. I am a sponsor, and I have my own ideas about what she might be doing. I was SOOO tempted to advise her when she told me that after 60 days of sobriety she was still struggling with Step 1.

I know it's a hard thing to rein ourselves in. My sister realized she had a problem when I was about 20 years sober. I could hear my lips going when I knew I needed to let her find her own way. I later apologized to her. Today she is 9 years sober without my two cents worth, lol! Perhaps suggest to your daughter to ask her sponsor that question. You can add your own perspective also but keep it simple.
First off here's my perspective, had you gotten step 1 down after 60 days sober? No "reservations"? I can't say I had accomplished step 1 fully at that point. And totally surrendered? Perhaps you had it down pat by then but most of us don't. It's the biggest change we will accomplish to remain sober. Personally I never rush this step with my sponsees. It's crucial they have the time to adjust to a better way of life. Sounds like she was working the program when she was so honest about struggling with step 1. That is a good sign.
My sponsor who is 90+ in age and 65 yrs sober gave me good advice as does the big book. It is better to not interfere/or become a secondary sponsor with a loved one or good friend. It is confusing to that person who may be getting conflicting signals while they are so fragile. Plus imagine the stress we can put them under!
I admire your honesty too. And I understand completely how you feel. You wish for your daughter to remain sober as I did my sister. One thing you can do that will help you both is to consider a small home meeting with you and your daughter plus sober friends of yours and newcomers too. The step book or big book is a great choice for that regular meeting in your home or elsewhere. A small group conducted like a sanctioned meeting. Everyone will have time to share and learn...yes I too still learn as I am sure you do too. I hope my comments may help. I am so happy for you and your daughter! I'll be praying for her continued sobriety.

[CloserToTheMid]

Originally Posted by madisgram

I know it's a hard thing to rein ourselves in. My sister realized she had a problem when I was about 20 years sober. I could hear my lips going when I knew I needed to let her find her own way. I later apologized to her. Today she is 9 years sober without my two cents worth, lol! Perhaps suggest to your daughter to ask her sponsor that question. You can add your own perspective also but keep it simple.
First off here's my perspective, had you gotten step 1 down after 60 days sober? No "reservations"? I can't say I had accomplished step 1 fully at that point. And totally surrendered? Perhaps you had it down pat by then but most of us don't. It's the biggest change we will accomplish to remain sober. Personally I never rush this step with my sponsees. It's crucial they have the time to adjust to a better way of life. Sounds like she was working the program when she was so honest about struggling with step 1. That is a good sign.
My sponsor who is 90+ in age and 65 yrs sober gave me good advice as does the big book. It is better to not interfere/or become a secondary sponsor with a loved one or good friend. It is confusing to that person who may be getting conflicting signals while they are so fragile. Plus imagine the stress we can put them under!
I admire your honesty too. And I understand completely how you feel. You wish for your daughter to remain sober as I did my sister. One thing you can do that will help you both is to consider a small home meeting with you and your daughter plus sober friends of yours and newcomers too. The step book or big book is a great choice for that regular meeting in your home or elsewhere. A small group conducted like a sanctioned meeting. Everyone will have time to share and learn...yes I too still learn as I am sure you do too. I hope my comments may help. I am so happy for you and your daughter! I'll be praying for her continued sobriety.

Thank you so much for your perspective. I'm very much comforted by what you are saying! Of course, I said nothing to her about it. She did recently talk to my wife about it, just since I've posted here. My daughter said that she just couldn't accept the fact that she could never drink again and that's why she felt stuck. My wife's wise response is that no one expects her to make that commitment. She told her that the only commitment time-wise she needs to make to stay sober is to not drink today today. My wife is not an alcoholic, btw.

Thanks for the time you took with me here.