lost

All my life I lived with this darkness. Yes I know there are good times but they seemed short lived. I know in the past I was told it always seems like a crisis happens to me...trust me I wish it didnt. I am good at giving advice and helping others see hope, but I am in so much pain and on so much meds, I know I didn't "do anything" to deserve this but it just feels like I must have done something because life should not be this freaking hard. I found the guts to leave my abusive husband and actually started to feel good and bam out of the blue it snuck up on me. Usually I am good at seeing the signs, but it was like I woke up one day and was suck back into hell. I feel like a lost wandering soul, no purpose, no worth, no desire. I know I am not the only one who feels this way and I know "it will get better" but I also know it too will get worse again! I feel like a yo-yo. I am just so tired of clinging on. I hang on because I know it will destroy my sister and my 12 year old goddaughter. when asked about the fear of going to hell or what others will think....I always ask "why is it when an animal is suffering we have enough compassion to end it's suffering and that is ok, yet there is not enough compassion for a human and it is a crime and a "sin" why?" And nobody can give me a real answer. It is usually just looked at with pity, I don't want pity I want real help or peace!

Boy, if this does not sound exactly like me. Have had this dreadful disease for 20yrs. now with only a month or 2 of relief in between. Tried everything it works 1 month or 2 then stops. Right now I am in the deep dark pit & so tired of going on. Had at least about 20 hospital stays only to be safe. Like you too certain members of my family would be devastated. But cannot live the rest of my life this way not knowing what it feels like to wake up one morning & feel good. I hate everything do not enjoy anything anymore. This illness has took family members away from me also. I am at my wits end now, knowing i will be going to the grave feeling this way. I should be in a hospital now but just cannot stand to go again.

Pacots, thank you. I know I am not "alone" and everyone has their own hell-ish journey they must walk, may be similar and may be completely different but walking through hell hurts regardless. On top of a lifetime battle with severe depression, anxiety, and bpd, I also have a chronic lifetime physical pain. I injured my spine in the air force, discharged and Became a teacher. I was removed from my teaching position because they said I am a high risk for injury and I had 2 physical restrictions. It was a battle for my job, but ultimately I lost. I sunk and fell hard and deep and took what forever to come through that stirm.
I was hospitalized against my wish several times, with no relief. Just last week I finally reached out for help, the psych filling in for my dr. And my therapist (va hospital personnel) "saved me a bed" and 8 1/2 hours later still in er waiting room still had not been seen by triage or psych department. The one who took my vitals descretely told me to go get something to eat and come back the next day because there was a long line and I was still looking at another 4 hours at least of waiting. That would be 2:30 am just until I am triaged. So I went home. I just kept thinking damn I am finally reaching out for help, finally admitting I am on the edge and I NEED help only to be told come back another day. I haven't been sleeping in over 3 weeks now, 2 hours sleep and then up for 5, maybe another 1 hour of sleep and back up. in a matter of 3 months my therapist of almost 4 years who has had the greatest connection and help with me relocated (that was/is a horrible loss), then 2 days after my birthday I asked my husband of 10 years to leave, 2 weeks later my best friend of 20 years and her husband sent me an email saying our friendship is over we are not family we are nothing, I can still talk with my goddaughter (but they have already used her as apawn twice to hurt me and restrict us from talking for a month at a time), then my husband's daughter decided to remove her and her son (my grandson in my heart) from my life. So a lot of loss and stressors, last week was court ordered mediation and my new (non va hospital ) therapist that is just amazing picked me up from home and took me so I wouldn't have to go through it alone. I ran into him for the first time since sept. 3. He saw my face and my panic and laughed. We now have to go before the judge. He took everything from my home and now wants 1/2 equity of my house, savings he thinks I have and just to make this as hard as possible. Then two nights ago my best friends husband called me screaming at me restricted my goddaughter and I from talking for a month, all because she defriended my soon to be ex-husband on facebook and asked him to please stop messaging her, posting pics of her and tagging her. She spent the summer with me and saw the physical, emotional, and mental abuse he did towards me (which I believe is what gave me the courage to kick him out) so now she is on punishment because she doesn't want to be friends withe him, wtf? What kind of messages are they sending her I mean really? They know she is my heart and the best way to inflict pain.
I just feel so lost. With every breath it's like razors shredding me from the inside. The pain is so deep, and I don't know what to say or do anymore.my therapist has me Co tract with daily email checking so she knows what's going on and she knows I'm holding on my a thread. It's like I said to her how can I hope for a better tomorrow when even if it is better it is short lived and overshadowed y the dares of my own demons and hell. For one of the first times, I am actually scared and am begging for help, advice something!!!

Words are inadequate when we hurt this much. I have my nephew and niece as wallpaper on my phone to help me stay around for them. I don't want to cause them suffering like mine. I Hope you can stay strong enough to be here for your Goddaughter. You will understand like no one else when life is hard for her and that is precious.

Hello bundyzKat, you've had a succession of very stressful and life changing things happen over a short period of time with no let up from the stress. We can pretty much cope with mountains if we have some sort of support system in place, I'm glad you have your therapist. I am concerned with regards to how little sleep you are having though, that can cause massive problems. If you can get regular sleep and get that REM sleep that the brain needs you'll be able to cope a little better with what is thrown at you. Keep talking here if you need also.