True or false?

I'm reading Wishcraft by Barbara Sher, http://wishcraft.com and was struck by this in Chapter 2:

"Women are raised for love. That is, we have been raised to give it in order to get it. Our upbringing trained us to nurture other people. We’re supposed to be good to our children so that they can grow up and realize themselves. We’re supposed to back up our husbands so that they feel free to go out and realize themselves. In other words, the flowers are to grow, and guess what that makes us? Fertilizer—to put it politely. That’s how most of us were taught we would get love—not by being flowers ourselves. If we dared to flower—to be active and self-absorbed and good at things—nobody would feed our roots, and we would die. At least, that’s how it felt."

Is this perspective how you felt growing up? How about now; is this attitude how you think things "are"? The author is being provocative, says that's not how things are supposed to be (explains how they are supposed to be and how to create that for one's self later in the chapter).

That's interesting... thanks for sharing I've not ever read anything like this.

while I was not raised in the "traditional" healthy way.... I do believe I was very much raised to nurture EVERYONE else and not consider myself at all. I never thought of it that -- then-- inturn I would receive love... hmmmm...
yes, now that I think about it-- that is how it was -- if I nurture, then I will get love back.... so I nurtured and nurtured and----- got stepped on.
I do fear that if I try to do/get something for myself it will make me unloveable.......


...... oh my gosh!!! you just gave me a lightbulb moment!! I have never tried to accomplish anything my whole life!!
.... not knowing why till now.....
I fear I'll be unlovable!..
wow.... that's partly why I wander through life with no direction, not accomplishing anything, no degree, no specific job skills..... I must have taken that "rule" to my deepest part of my heart... I can't have/do anything if I want love.
I see a bit clearer now.(heh, not sure what to do with the info-- but it's there)

oops-- sorry I've went off on this epiphany in your thread.

thank you ever so much for sharing this!

fins

I know really young girls have a natural inclination to take care of things without any "training" and develop role playing later on to take care of people from watching others, family, teachers, role models to them. Not everyone develops this nuturing aspect though depending on what they see.

What struck me most about this passage, though provoking and not how things are supposed to be, was how very true it is for my grandmother and mother's generation. They were taught that their roles were to support and care for their husbands so they could succeed at whatever, sacrificing themselves in the process. Growing up, I saw my Mom and Dad slightly break away from my grandparents mold and were mutually supportive and caring (until recently as Mom battles with depression.) My grandmother was adamant I not do as she did, giving up all of herself to care for her husband saying how she missed out in life; it was unhealthy and how somewhat resentful she found herself at times as did her friends. Mutually caring and supportive is important. I tend see more nurturing in women however overall, a more natural inclination.

That's the perspective I've come to understand about my childhood. Then again, I'm also the adult child of an alcoholic, and have a very dysfunctional and abusive family. I'm also codependent, which ties into the whole wanting to "take care of" others.