[rebecca2010]

Hi there

I'm 31, never really had a relationship, never had any interest from men and put up barriers a long time ago. I have ruled out ever having a relationship, which is very hard for my family to understand. I have a sister who is 2 years yhounger than me, attrractive, never had a problem getting men, who I naturally compare myself to. We are close but she doesn't understand.

I have tried internet dating, and given it a genuine go, but it hasn't worked - you have to really sell yourself and not believing I have anhything to offer, it's obviously not right for me.

All my friends are having babies now (mostly married already) and I decided 4 years ago that I would have a baby by myself when the time came. It's not the right time yet, I want to wait another year or two, but I'm trying to get my family on board and they're struggling. They say it's selfish as the poor child will have no father and I will have to rely on them a lot. Normally they're very supportive and I know they want what's best for me, but I'm finding it hard to explain my point of view and I'm feeling resentment towards them for treating me this way - like I'm a problem that needs solving. They want me to try to find a man, and I know it won't happen.

Really getting me down.

Hope this was the right place to post this and someone can understand.

Rebecca

[lone_twin4]

(((Rebecca)))

I have a reputation for being really stingy and unwilling to spend money, but the reason for this is that I want savings... should I ever want to do the same thing that you're doing (which I probably will) and go the expensive adoption route or artificial insemination.

I don't believe that it is a woman's 'human right' to give birth to a baby, but I also don't believe that single parents should be demonised. You sound like a responsible person, more responsible than perhaps some married parents are! So I understand the desire to bring a kid up yourself, and as long as you have the means then that's a really great thing.

I hope your parents can grow to understand. Sometimes it is difficult for parents to let go of the dreams that they have for their children. My mum, for example, has already started saving Legos and things for her 'future grandchildren' (!). I think she would be disappointed if I went for it alone, but I hope their lack of support doesn't put you off doing what you want to do.

Have you tried writing to them? Sometimes it is hard to get a word in edgeways with people during arguments, so if they sit down and read a letter, then you can explain yourself without them interrupting you.

It's also important not to compare yourself to your sister! Have you spoken to any professionals about barriers?

Good luck

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by rebecca2010

Hi there

I'm 31, never really had a relationship, never had any interest from men and put up barriers a long time ago. I have ruled out ever having a relationship, which is very hard for my family to understand. I have a sister who is 2 years yhounger than me, attrractive, never had a problem getting men, who I naturally compare myself to. We are close but she doesn't understand.

I have tried internet dating, and given it a genuine go, but it hasn't worked - you have to really sell yourself and not believing I have anhything to offer, it's obviously not right for me.

All my friends are having babies now (mostly married already) and I decided 4 years ago that I would have a baby by myself when the time came. It's not the right time yet, I want to wait another year or two, but I'm trying to get my family on board and they're struggling. They say it's selfish as the poor child will have no father and I will have to rely on them a lot. Normally they're very supportive and I know they want what's best for me, but I'm finding it hard to explain my point of view and I'm feeling resentment towards them for treating me this way - like I'm a problem that needs solving. They want me to try to find a man, and I know it won't happen.

Really getting me down.

Hope this was the right place to post this and someone can understand.

Rebecca

Rebecca - I know how loney depression can make a person feel. sometimes it makes a person want to have a child not for the love of the child and the love from a relationship but for the I want someone to love me, be there for me, I have no one so a child would be mine someone just for me who will always love and be there for me" thoughts and feelings.

an idea before you decide about having a baby based on emotions, go to your planned parenthood or a lamaze instructor. Find out about the rent a baby's. here they have a program for teens and people who want to have a baby. they rent out dolls that work like a real baby, right down to crying at random, ear infections, wet diaper, needing to be fed, rocked, taken care of in every way a real human baby needs.

if you can survive the "rent a baby" then you are ready to have a baby.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rebecca2010

They say it's selfish as the poor child will have no father and I will have to rely on them a lot. Normally they're very supportive and I know they want what's best for me, but I'm finding it hard to explain my point of view and I'm feeling resentment towards them for treating me this way - like I'm a problem that needs solving. They want me to try to find a man, and I know it won't happen.

Hi, Rebecca, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I'm at a loss as to how to be tactful about your superhuman fore-knowledge of the future (whether or not you'll "find" a man) but I have the story of my work when I was in my mid-20's and explained I wasn't trying to "find" a husband because he wasn't lost, and my supervisor chiming in with, "Well, if he isn't lost then he's probably running like hell!" I didn't "find" a man until I was 35 and didn't marry until I was 39. Who knew?

But the first part, about your having to rely on them a lot? Is that true? Do you have the job that can support two and the time to raise a child in addition? Because, if they would have to contribute their money and time, that is asking an enormous amount of other adults when one is an adult and they do get a say as to how their time and money/work (work is paid for in money) gets spent and "assuming" someone else should just contribute to one's life because we want something, is ignorant thinking (and I don't mean ignorant in a pejorative way, I just mean uneducated) if not selfish.

If you want to help your family come around to your way of "thinking" then you have to show them your plan, and you have to have a plan, it's your and your family's and an unborn child's future life you're going to affect. So far, your family's argument sounds better than yours to me, because I haven't heard anything substantive/plan-like in yours?

[lynn P.]

Hi rebecca2010,
welcome to PC. If you have the financial means to solely support a child, along with emotional support from outside, then I would say, go for it. It's really no different than if a woman has a one night stand and happens to get pregnant. I think if a woman realizes she's not going to find a stable man and marry, but time is ticking - I don't see what's the big deal. Sometimes the gay community will get their friends to agree to be the contributing (sperm/egg) partner in getting pregnant.

Even though I have a husband that contributes financially to my children, unfortunately his contribution to the actual parenting is very small -basically I do all the parenting except for a small part. If I was in your shoes and could support a child - I would do what you're thinking about. It would be a good idea to get some experience with taking care of a baby.

If you have a therapist, you should also discuss this as well. I also didn't get the impression you're trying to fill a gap or being selfish. I think you're just being realistic. There are people who for whatever reason don't have luck in relationships - they don't don't deserve to be childless, just because they can't find a partner. I support your decision, as long as you have the means to support a child, along with family/friends.

[rebecca2010]

Thank you all for your responses. Some are harder to read than others, but this is a complex issue and it's good to stimulate new passages of thought. Everyone has a different perspective. Ultimately I know deep down in my heart that I must have a child. The way I see it, I could sit around feeling sorry for myself being single and therefore unable to have a child, and I think I'd end up suicidal going down this route; or I can go out there and get what I want. I am highly maternal and a 'natural' mother. One of my best friends had a daughter 5 years ago and I was her birth partner - she was a single mother and I spent a lot of time doing night feeds, supporting her physically and emotionally. I understand the needs of a child and while I obviously haven't got the experience of being completely responsible for a child, who does before they actually become a parent?

I do have some issues to work through which is why I say I'm not ready yet. I am trying to find a therapist at the moment as I may have a mild form of avoidant personality disorder. I certainly find communication difficult and have some very serious self esteem issues which I do not want to pass on to my child. So that's what I need to get sorted before I go for it. But I have the financial means, I have the determination and above all, Mother Nature is knocking on my door! I think I'd have to be a lot stronger NOT to answer than to answer.

[kelsi]

Wow you are still young you are only 31.
Why do you think you are not going to have a child in a relationship?
Do you feel afraid of relationships?
Would having a child get rid of the suicidal thoughts?
A friend of mine had a parent complete suicide and it was absolutly heartbreaking for her, I can't imagine that you are at the right place emotionally to do this right at the moment, but, I'm not totally against the idea.

[Ayesa101]

Nice topic

[Ayesa101]

Right time will come.