[sara76]

Hi.

It seems like a complicated situation, but maybe it's less complicated than I think.

After years of my cousins trying to get us together, she and I finally started dating a couple months ago. We'd tried a couple times before, but she was a flake.

It was good for awhile, then she got distant, and finally told me that she'd had a lump and lymph node biopsied, and might have cancer. She said that she isn't in a good place to be in a relationship. She said that right now she just needs a friend. She has lots of friends though, who have been around for more than 10 years. I've made it pretty clear that I'm here, and I'm not a fair weather friend.

Maybe the background stuff isn't important. I don't know...

I've been trying not to bug her. I've been checking fb almost hourly, and figured, based on other peoples' posts to her wall that the results aren't good. I texted her, and she just texted back, "yeah, it's bad".

A couple days ago, she had texted me that she pushes people away when she is scared and sad. I asked if she was going to push me away. She said "I don't have the energy or time in my to give anything so I can't promise to text or call or reassure or anything til this is over." It seems like maybe she doesn't plan to PUSH me away, but can't be in a reciprocal relationship?

Thing is. I know this isn't about me. It's happened before where I tried to be a friend for people going through a tough time, and they just don't seem to want me around. I know I also isolate when I'm depressed. I figure people don't want to be around depressed people. I'll either lose them by avoiding them, or by exposing them to my depression. Lessons learned in experience...

I can't stop crying though. And I'm mad. I'm scared for her. I don't want to push a friendship on her. I don't want to complicate her life. She doesn't need that right now. I just don't know what to do. Do I keep showing up and offering support? Or do I wait until she comes back around?

I guess I'm looking for advice on what to do. It's a little wierd because we don't know each other all that well...

Any thoughts?

[bebop]

call her. I would not want someone texting me if it were me. I am the show me you care type person and to me texting is too impersonal. but that is me.

[sara76]

Originally Posted by bebop

call her. I would not want someone texting me if it were me. I am the show me you care type person and to me texting is too impersonal. but that is me.

Yeah. Normally I'm the same way. Thing is, most of our relationship has been through texting. It bugged me at first. I actually had to add to my cell service because in two weeks, we texted more than I usually do in a month. She's said that she doesn't like to talk on the phone, and prefers texting, and that's why I've tried to keep it that way.

I guess I'm also afraid I'll start crying on the phone, and it doesn't seem like that would be good...

You're probably right though. I feel like I should give it some time, in part so I don't start crying on the phone. I guess I don't want her to feel like she has to take care of me... I don't want to be a nuisance...

[sara76]

she called me. I was glad to hear from her. She doesn't know what stage it is. At this point, they're only certain that it's in one lymph node. She'll be starting iv chemo on Friday. It'll be every other Friday for 16 weeks, followed by surgery. I offered to sit with her while she's getting it, bring her food, etc.

[bebop]

great!! I think things will work out.

when people get that horrible diagnosis I am sure they really need time to absorb it and deal with it somewhat before really talking to others about it.

[sara76]

that makes a lot of sense

[Fresia]

This can be a really scary time for everyone. I don't know how close you are at this point, but having been through it, support comes so many different forms. Do what you can and be strong for the both of you, but don't ignore your feelings. It's important to know how this is affecting you too, talk to someone, post, it's so important. Listening too is an important form of support and you are doing just that which means a lot!!

This was hard for me and may be for her too, but I HAD to accept help at one point during treatments. I appreciated the offers when friends, who were absolute angels helped me out by taking me to appointments because I could not drive home myself. Then they would at times just hang out at the house to make sure I was ok after treatments. I felt badly with them doing this even though I know they offered, but I knew I was not ok as I would get really sick and dizzy at times; not everyone does but if you start to see this trend for her, this may be something you can offer to help with. They also helped to make sure when I got so weak that there was food in the fridge, and to make sure I continued to keep taking care of myself when I lost the energy to so with encouraging words.

Just some ideas that you do can do depending on how things go. The most important thing is that you care and you'll get a sense as treatment goes from her what you can do to help and how to show your support that's right for both of you. Your friend will be in my thoughts. Hang in there.

[googley]

The most important thing in this type of situation is to ask her what she needs. Ask her what she would like you to do. What you have in your mind and what she has in hers are not necessarily the same thing.

Here are some links that might help:
http://www.cancer.org/Cancer/news/Fe...now-has-cancer

http://www.notasparrowfalls.com/2010...cancer-or.html

I hope these help. We are here to support you.

[Lostime]

It would be good to read as much as you can on cancer, never look at the statistics some are not very positive and you will have to be positive to help her.

Here are some links.

http://www.curetoday.com/

http://www.nexcura.com/PatientCare.asp

[sara76]

Thank you everybody. I really appreciate your advice.

I'm having a hard time right now figuring out what to do. When we were dating, it was good for a couple weeks, then she got really busy. She said she wanted to go slow. I hardly saw her...

I mentioned before that she pushes people away when she gets scared. She's been in some pretty seriously messed up relationships with vindictive people. Maybe she was distancing herself already as a way to protect herself. Not very communicative, emotionally unavailable. Didn't want me to meet her friends. That's not a big deal to me, except that she was always with her friends, and not making time for me. I'd've been happy to hang out with her and her friends...

Guess I thought that background was important because the next part is that my therapist is suggesting that the best thing I can do for myself mightbe for me to let her push me away... All of my abandonment issues come up for me when I think about that.

In general, one of my problems is that I spend a lot of time thinking about how others feel, and how I can support them, but I don't think much about expecting that others be responsive to my needs and my feelings. I feel like I've gotten better than I have been in the past, but I am always putting others first. I have this tremendous capacity for empathy, and can almost always understand others' perspectives. Sometimes I have difficulty separating others' feelings from my own.

There is more to this though. She has told me that there are times when she is feeling down, and she needs her friends to remind her how strong she is, and that she'll be okay. I do believe that's true, but it goes against my nature to try to change somebody's mood in that way. It feels like I'm saying "buck up," "it's not that bad." I hate it when people try to suggest that I "shouldn't" feel a certain way. I want to be allowed to experience my emotions and be where I am in that moment.

I probably do that too much--definitely wallow in it too much, but there is a point, in my opinion when it is okay to feel the feelings, and a time to move on. So, or me, my instincts tell me to hold her, be present for her and allow her to experience her feelings, and at a certain point, tell her that she will be okay. Not that I've seen her for her to allow me to do that for her. I just know that when I'm down, I just want somebody to hold me. Really, even though I would hold a friend, it would be too awkward with her right now, so soon after we were dating...

Anyway, the point is, that right now, she is asking to be reminded how strong she is and that she'll get through it. And when I hear that, it feels like it is denying her the time to feel scared and lost and sad, which seems appropriate right now. It feels unnatural for me to do what she wants, and I don't think it would come out sounding genuine and enthusiastic, as much as I do believe it.

I know this is alot. Sometimes I have a hard time stopping once I start...

She has a lot of friends. I don't get the feeling that she wants or needs me right now. Even though I don't feel like we ever got to a point where I could have accurately called her a "girlfriend", I am grieving the loss of what I had anticipated and hoped for. And there were problems there even before she was diagnosed...

So, I'm having a lot of feelings, and I'm confused. I am really, really open to feedback.

Thank you.

[notz]

She may be expressing her needs for the difficult journey she's on at the time.

It's tough to develop a relationship under the best of circumstances. Would you consider witnessing her journey without expectations of relationship or intimacy?

[sara76]

Originally Posted by notz

She may be expressing her needs for the difficult journey she's on at the time.

It's tough to develop a relationship under the best of circumstances. Would you consider witnessing her journey without expectations of relationship or intimacy?

Yes. At this point, I am coping with the loss of the expectations of relationship and intimacy. I think I am still holding onto some hope for that, but would feel better if I could let go of that hope.

Right now, it is the witnessing part that I am talking about. I want to be available to witness all aspects of her journey, including the hard times. I guess that, my way is to allow people to have their hard feelings, stay with them through that moment, allow them to experience it, and follow up with the words of encouragement. I don't want to sweep the feelings under the rug. She has said that she doesn't allow people to see her sad and scared feelings. I think her default is anger and aggression... Though, this time, there is nobody she can direct that towards.

We aren't really talking or communicating at all right now. I'm wondering if I should let her push me away, or if I should push back, tell her i'm not going anywhere.

Should I send her a letter that explains why it's hard for me to push away the unpleasant feelings? Tell her I'm going to back off, and leave it to her to contact me? Tell her that if she needs to be with somebody who will sit with her and hold her in her fear and sadness instead of pushing it away, I'll be available? Should I just disappear without explanation? Should I try to give her what she's asking for?

At this point, all of this may be irrelevant...

[sara76]

To my surprise, she contacted me tonight to see if I wanted to meet up. We talked. We laughed. We had a good time.