sexual issues still affects me

hello, i am new here and haven't been on this forum. i am a 26 yr old childless female who has a question on sexual issues. from the beginning, when i was a teen, i was turning 16 and my virginity was taken away by a guy i met offline who was 28 yrs old. he never asked me if i wanted to have sex he just stuck it in without asking.

after that, i met another guy later on from online where we did sexual things. i did that for all 4 yrs in high school. it was nothing special all it was just pure drama on their part. i didn't have a car when i was legal to drive, so i had to rely on the jerks to take me back home or drop me off somewhere i could walk back home.

i dont know if you can call this sexual abuse or emotional sexual abuse, but they were emotionally abusive. i thought by having sex as a teen and with a guy who is college aged, would be most intriguing. other teen girls i knew had sex with college age guys and they said how they had such an experience.

my experience was just bad! the guys i met had such issues, race issues, people issues, and mostly women issues never knew that until after the fact and when i started to stop speaking to them due to the indecisiveness, rude attitude, women bashing, hateful attitude towards me all because "i didn't do what i was told to do."

i had my share of getting even with all of them and they still hate me to this day. i don't care i was right about them, i called them out for what they were and how much they lied a lot on everything. anyway, i thought by having sex would give me some experience. these guys call themselves "experienced" and i was in the learning stages but they felt i should have known what i was doing.

i remember in the bedroom, how they were putting their dicks in me like ramming it in and told them multiple times that it hurts to either slow down or just stop, they didn't listen and kept going. i yelled god dammit that hurt and it blew up into an argument calling me a whiney *****. i told him when a woman says oww that hurts how the hell does it equate to keep going? they said their exes didnt mind i said im not them! another prob i had to hear was well my ex gf liked it that way or this.

it got to the point where my vagina was sore or if i did **** sex, my **** was sore and one time it did bleed not severely. another instance a guy told me i would look better if i lost weight in my tummy and legs then he kept doing what he was doing like it was nothing! ooh after that, i just laid on his bed like a dead fish and refused to do anything. they knew i wasn't a size 2 so why did that comment just pop up during sex?

he also told me i wasn't hot that "he felt sorry for me," whatever that means and i have gotten a lot from the past idiots i met. they never explained what they meant by that it was a "mystery, only for them to know and for me to either never find out or the mystery will be solved soon," what kind of mind game is that?!

fingering hurt just as bad as penetration. doing these sexual encounters, i thought i was "being loved" that i was getting the nurturing i should have gotten growing up (yea i am in therapy). it did feel like love because one guy put his arms around me like it was a source of comfort. so after all of that, they took me home left me crying because of the emotional abuse they did. i had no choice but to take it because i had no car no bus money and the buses didnt run late and still dont in certain cities, so i could get home safely.

i let them have it on IM and told them what i thought of them. i knew the minute if i would have told them off they would either make me find my way back (why even offer to pick me up?) or hold me hostage. one guy told me online since i was such a ***** and if i would have said that to him in his car or his apt, he would have held me hostage possibly raping me until i "learn some manners." gotta wonder why they were single....?

if that did happen, not like my parents would have done anything. i can hear it now this is ur fault for meeting people off the net and this is the kind of crap weirdos can do, i hope they rape and kill you blah blah. yea, my own mother has said that to me and my sister for years yet her 1st born daughter is missing and one time married a drug dealer but my mom didnt bother to go save her mentally ill daughter.

on yahoo, i had to stay in hiding because if i was on my messenger, here comes the threatening IMs. reporting them did absolutely nothing and no i didn't go to the police. there was one guy at 18 where i met online that i did have to make a police report on him. i was 18 dont know why the fatty cop needed to speak to my parents but he took the report told me never talk to anyone online and said he would look into it. the fool didnt respond after i did that.

ok, so fast forward. i've been with my bf now of 7 yrs (met him off of myspace the only sane person i have ever met) and having sex for me is still difficult because i still have these flash backs and hear the negative name calling i have endured (endured a lot of name calling from my parents all my life).

he knows about the past guys b4 i met them. it is still hard to enjoy sex because i still experience pain - vaginimus. i was told by a previous gyno to go to a sex therapist not like i have the money for that. my vagina is pretty sensitive whether its penetration or oral sex.

right now, i am in therapy not for sexual issues for childhood issues. my therapist deals with family related issues not sexual issues. my therapist is having me to access my parasympathetic side instead of my sympathetic side so i wont be in the fight or flight zone. when my bf and i have sex, my legs will clam up and close subconsciously like my vagina is refusing my bf's ****. when he tries to go further, it hurts really bad same way when i go to get a pap smear.

does anyone have any advice/suggestions? i am on state insurance until i get a job with real insurance they dont offer much for help and they got customer service ppl on the phone who have no idea what they are talking about.

Ladytiger, I am so sorry all this happened to you. I can relate. I was raped by an older BF for 9 mo. Every weekend and some durring the week if he needed "a fix." I didn't realize it was rape until 20 + years later (recently) I thought since I didn't make him go away and I allowed him to continue it was not rape. This guy had a huge **** and big fingers to. I still have issues w/ wanting or in my case not wanting sex.

OBGYN visits are tough. Painful. Who uses a brush in there or a q-tip. Ouch. Therapy is starting to help. I started trauma work but had to quit via request from my T. The affects were to not safe for me at this time. The flee or freeze thing all new terms until I started T. This has caused huge issues for my H and me. We do not get along and he is controlling. We are almost ready to separate but before we do, anything that I can fix that may be a contribution of mine towards the problem, I want to take care of now.

Your OBGYN may be right. It is sounds like a trauma responce to me. But I'm not qualified to make that call. I understand your frustration w/ insurance. They should know the medical field a little better. There knowledge of things sucks.

I know I have not really offered you any suggestions or much help. It helps me to know I'm not alone in this. That is all I can offer you. Understanding. This is also a great place to vent. Everyone here is super friendly. I hope to see you around here again soon.

my therapist said i suffered from trauma (not on the sexual issues) but from my childhood issues. if my bf is on top, i hear the name calling from the past jerks. i just want to have sex and do fun things in the bedroom without having to be in fear as i have been in fear all my life

((ladytiger)) you've been through so much hope you know the abuse that happened to you was not your fault. and it most definitely was abuse. i didnt know what vaginismus was, so i just searched it and found a definition that it's the vagina muscles basically closing, due to anxiety:

an involuntary physical reaction to anxiety--the muscles around your vagina essentially spasm, preventing comfortable penetration (and sometimes preventing any penetration at all). Check out www.womentc.com , and their book, "Private Pain".

i'm so sorry those men treated you that way. No wonder you are not enjoying sex now, it's really traumatic what you went through.

i experienced some abuse by a guy when i was 15... and i carried it with me for so long thinking that it was my fault that i ended up alone with him making out in his bed. i was a virgin and had no intention other than making out, but i was in danger and no clue about how cruel people can be.

then at 17 i had a boyfriend, ended up pregnant and aborted. the whole humiliating process left me pretty tense down there. i remember an after checkup, i was terrified of the speculum with no sympathy from the dr, a woman, snapping at me to relax because she couldn't even get it in there, so she forced it in

well at any rate, here, now, it sounds like you have a really nice bf. it sounds like he's patient with you right? i hope so.

i'm no sex therapist, but i'm much older now and really like sex now (there is hope), have done a lot of reading like on the topic that i couldnt reach orgasm during sex, so i found a lot of tips on relaxing and getting really comfortable with your partner. one tip was wear socks... derrr... but it is maybe something about the pressure points in the feet and keeping them warm.

another thing to try maybe being intimate and leave your panties on, so you're sure no penetration is going to happen. or take a bath together, with no penetration intended. and let him know the plan of course.

i'm thinking the idea is to build new affectionate memories because you've had enough bad ones and to be gentle with yourself, giving yourself time to really open up and be ready.

and hopefully you can find a sex therapist before too long. i think some regular therapists might be knowledgable on the subject too. take care

i had this female gyno in 07, who got really mad at me because i freaked out on it hurting. i stopped seeing her because of her attitude i am like a woman for ****s sake she should be at least understanding what another woman goes thru down there even rape too!

we have taken showers together and he is patient/supportive. its hard to have constant sex because he lives with his dad soon to be moving in with his mom because of no job and still looking for a job. until we get our own place, sex will be put off on hold.

when we first had sex, he did get mad at me cuz i told him it hurts and he apologized for getting nasty and hasnt gotten that way since. i dont want our relationship to be ruin due to no sex or some sex. b4 i met him, all i did was masturbate that was somewhat better than penetration. i can't even finger myself and i freak out!

I think just stay away from penetration for now, until you're ready. And don't let him go down on you if it hurts. Guys don't really always know how to do that right, and they are too rough or scratchy, or press too hard with their tongue pointed right on the clitoris. idk maybe i have specific preference. But I tell them to make their tongue flat and lightly press it on clitoris, then slowly move to massage the area, like rocking it with constant light pressure, then I can move and lift my hips however feels good, controlling the motion and speed and pressure. Just tell him no fingers inside, until you're ready. Also you could masturbate together. You'd have control of you, and feel safe, and he can feast his eyes and do the same. You really have to take care of yourself and your health and sanity, if a relationship is ruined because of lack of sex while you are having this disorder, then I think it's not a good relationship for you. Please dont put his needs before yours. I think others in your past who were supposed to protect you and take care of you didnt do that. So now it's up to you to have safe healthy boundary around yourself and being clear on your values, what's ok with you and what's not ok. And notice if bf truly respects you and your health and values. Hopefully he just got mad that time because he went on the defensive, confused, like what I'd never hurt a woman...

our relationship is not like that. the past guys, it was just friends with benefits relationships they were nothing romantic. i refused to be romantic but i wanted the love and nurturing i never got as a kid. we have masturbated together and watched each other do it as well.

ive heard the stories and seen the talk shows how relationships even good ones are ruined because of sexual issues and dont want to be in that statistic. our society is like have sex now now now a quick fix idea! the past guys i met, they told me it was not their job to protect or nurture me and i was just a sexual object for them. it wasn't their job to teach me about good sex i said when u were virgins, did you know what you were doing? they said that is different i said in what way?

this is why we dont have happy people in america its like sex comes first before loving someone and doing fun things together.

i'm not trying to say that sex is most important. i don't believe that either. my bf and i rarely have sex, I would like to more, because the love and the touch is fulfilling for me emotionally. but we don't live together, we're busy with work, and i have kids, and my bipolar, and all his fishing trips, etc. he'd probably rather go on a hike with me next to a river than have sex, that's his values, who he is.

so your values seem to be loving and doing fun things together are more important than sex. nothing wrong with that, it's beautiful and meaningful. stick to your guns for what you believe in.

true, we do have tons of fun. i just wanna have sex like everybody else! b4 i met him, i just wanted to have sex daily and have an active sex lifestyle. we are busy with trying to find a job and he is in the process of moving in with his mom so he won't be homeless. he is gonna stay with her until he gets a job somewhere. he is upset because arbys hired two ppl and the manager won't do interviews until next week!

I dont so much relate in the way that i enjoy sex, and lots of it, but the sex i enjoy is damaging and rough, i cant have anyone touch me softly of affectionatly i dont feel i desrve it, like im damaged goods alread beacuse of child sexual abuse.
i have found a loving partner now who i do enjoy a few tended moments with, he tried to help me best he can, i dont know if that can help but i fount having smeone who picked up on my for lack of a better word "abnormalitys" really help him understand and me grow as a person. x x