[applepieo6o7]

Hello Everyone,

My first post! Thought Women-Focused Support would be appropriate place to post my first.

I am a 26 year old. I am a mom of a 5 year old and a wife to a wonderful man.

I attempted my first and hopefully my last suicide in May this year.

I was rushed into the emergency room. I was hospitalized for 4 days and after and was moved to a psychiatric floor as I was on 51-50 hold. I was eventually released back to reality few days after.

I received a phone call from a place I interviewed for a job prior to my hospitalization. I jumped in and started working full time as a preschool teacher. It seem like it was the best decision at the time. I was able to have my daughter attend their after school program for discounted price.

Being able to be close to my daughter while working and staying on top of busy life helped me cope. Just recently I decided to go part time. I only work in the morning and go pick up my daughter from her school once I get off. I needed to spend more time with my baby.

It's been just about a week since I started being home with my daughter.

I love just sitting around at home with my daughter. Little cuddles here and there and a lot of just because kisses. I feels right. Makes me so ashamed to have made such a mistake.

I started throwing up and passed out at my own home in front my daughter and my husband at the time of suicide attempt. My daughter still asks me about what had happened to me. She freaks out when I cough and asks if I am going to throw up again and be taken in a ambulance... I want my child to forget that image of me forever. But it stuck in her little heart. I can't bare this pain... nor want to even mention this to my husband.

Will this feeling go away. How do I cope with this part of struggles?

I am an early childhood educator and I have no answer to my own. It sickens me to think of this happening to another family. Children should not ever have to see their parent dying in front of them,

Any advice or input is greatly appreciated.

Thank You.

[kaliope]

you need to forgive yourself... your daughter is young...she will eventually learn to trust that you are going to be ok. the more you cough around her and are not taken to the hospital, the farther away that memory will be taken in her mind. it will just take time. just make sure to give her extra hugs and security each time you do it now so she feels that safety of you. kids are resilient. it will take longer for you to heal from it then her. take care.

[healingme4me]

The shame, dissipates with time. Keep working towards your recovery, and it's good that you are seeing the value of your life. The deeper depression, that brought to that point, takes time to come out from. Accepting, depression, as something you'll need to manage, from this point forward is a reality, that many of us live with. I agree with, kaliope, about your daughter. Eventually, that shock, will wear off, for her. As it, will for you, as well.

[Secretum]

If you nearly died from cancer, would you feel guilty for traumatizing your daughter? My mom had uterine cancer, and before her hysterectomy, the doctors didn't know how far it had spread. It was a scary few weeks between her diagnosis and surgery, wondering how much danger she was in. Thankfully, the cancer was confined and she was okay after the surgery. Now, though, I don't remember the fear. I just feel grateful that my mother is alive, because if it had taken doctors a few more months to diagnose her, she might not be. I appreciate her all the more because she could have been taken from me.

You have a real illness. When you took those pills, you were sick and wanted escape. You didn't take them in cold blood, just to cause your daughter pain.

Please try to forgive yourself. You are a survivor; please remember that! From what you wrote, you sound like an excellent mother. I'm sure that when she is twenty, your daughter will remember your time together and smile, not your sui attempt. And when she is old enough to understand what you went through, she will feel nothing but empathy and deep gratitude to the universe that her mother survived a terrible health crisis that was out of everybody's control.

[Maranara]

I would not bring it up to your daughter anytime right away. Just be there for her and let her know that all is okay. Yes, the shock with wear off and she will learn to trust that you will be there, but the memory won't, from my experience. Memories like that fade over time but they don't go away. Some of my most poignant memories was when I was 4 and 5 years old, and I am in my 40's now. Some people look at me in disbelief when I say that until they talk to me and ask me about them....

The important thing is to show her love and trust and she will survive and thrive, and one day when she's older, when she has the ability to understand, bring it up. Bring it up in a way that if she doesn't remember it won't bring it back, but in my opinion, it does need to be brought up eventually so you can both be at peace.

[SeekerOfLife]

Yes!!! Forgive yourself. I had to do the same. I was ashamed of myself for so long. My T said I should forgive myself. It was so obvious I did not see it. So.....I forgave myself. I have been through this. For a while, it was like I was looking over my shoulder, and there was my "dirty deed". Since I forgave my self, when I look back the memory is having less significance.