[Azafadaza]

Hi everyone!

If this is not the correct forum for this thread, then I apologise; please alert me where best to post this and I will move it.

So, I am a fairly emotionally healthy woman (or, at least, I like to think so). I have had a boyfriend for the last year and a half that unfortunately came to me fresh out of an emotionally abusive ten year marriage; his ex wife admits to cyclothymia, and I'm pretty certain based on anecdotal evidence as well as personal observation is somewhere on the NPD scale as well. They have an eight year old son together. She has sole legal and physical custody, and it took eight months of court proceedings and a MAJOR amount of work for him to even get visitation after she arbitrarily called off all visitation.

My concerns:

1) How best can I help the kid? My kids are 21 and 17, and never had to deal with these kinds of issues, so I am at a loss. I am fairly certain that she talks a lot of **** to him about his father and most likely about me as well (she certainly talked enough **** in the courtroom.) He seems to like me, likes his dad, but is pretty emotionally distant and detached. She is a hypochondriac, so she always has the kid at the doctor's office over one thing or another and he is really overmedicated (IMHO.) She claims he has ODD but he has always complied with requests or orders, if not cheerfully, without being a butt about it. I know she controls his every single move down to what underwear and shoes he is permitted to wear. She chooses his extracurricular activities, when he gets to read and what he reads, everything; and he has no agency. This is so anathema to how I raised my kids I am baffled. Oh, did I mention she's been a prescription drug addict gaming the system for some 15 years? She goes to AA religiously, brings the eight year old along, and has them all convinced she's clean and sober until she starts vomiting blood in meetings and collapsing. Thing is, her mom is a bigwig in the AA world and she goes back to leading meetings within a few months of "getting sober". Sigh. SO. How best can I help the kid? He's in a really crap situation. So far as I can tell, she is not physically abusive nor physically neglectful but.... I'm pretty sure there's a lot of manipulation and emotional gaslighting going on.

2) How the hell do I manage to keep my sanity when every few weeks, it's like my boyfriend forgets that I am not his ex wife and starts getting moody, blaming me for everything, and essentially taking out his PTSD from her on me? It's driving me mad. I do my best to remember not to take it personally, but when he is blaming me for things and he can't even remember what they are.... As in, "I've been distant because you made me mad by shutting me down a couple times like a year ago." "Oh? Okay, how did I shut you down?" "I can't remember." "...."

Any stories, advice, or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[kaliope]

hi azafadaza
yours is the exact situation as to why if i ever get into another relationship the man cannot have kids. I do not want to have to deal with a coparent. i would suggest looking around your area for a coparenting class to take. it will provide you with many of the answers you seek. dont worry about what is going on at her house. you have your house rules and he seems to be functioning well with them, stay focused on giving him a healhty life when he is with you so he can see what that entails. when we instill our morals and values in our children, they will hopefully carry those over into the other household. as for your BF, he needs to get some counseling to address his issues so they dont negatively impact your relationship. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[healingme4me]

Not certain about how to help the child.
What's more important is that it sounds like your bf could use therapy, if he's not in it, already. Perhaps couples counseling, in addition?
'No-one can make you feel anything, without your permission.'-Eleanor Roosevelt...that quote comes to mind upon hearing one blame another for emotions.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Azafadaza!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm glad to see you're already receiving feedback from other members here. I don't have children but I did want to stop in and say hello and that I'm glad you're here!!!

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[Azafadaza]

Thanks everyone!

Kaliope: It's hard not to worry about what's going on at her house when the kid is so affected by it. He's drugged up most of the time, and has a lot of emotional distance and withdrawal issues. I find that I have to worry, a bit, about what is going on in her house so that I can handle his questions or issues when they come up in a way that isn't going to exacerbate the problem or make him feel like he is in the wrong.

As for my bf getting therapy.... I wish. She took him to therapy several times during their marriage, but each family session she did most of the talking and for his private sessions she coached him as to what to say and what to report. (I'm not just taking his word on this; he signed release forms and got his psyche notes released, and I've read through them, at his request.) He is done with therapy, as it was just another method she used to control him and maintain the upper hand. It's incredibly frustrating, to put it mildly.

I have usually had a rule not to date guys with young kids and this is a big part of why; baby mama drama. Ooops.

Thanks for reaching out, everyone.... it helps knowing that I'm not trying to wade through this mental minefield alone.