[PrairieCat]

This is killing me right now. I am trying to take care of myself and I guess I just have to accept that my daughter wants nothing to do with me. I don't get it. It is very painful. I have medical issues right now and also complex PTSD. I do have a counselor, thank God.

I am a senior woman and my daughter and I were close but then her son got on drugs. He is sober now and working. She has left me when I am aging and I need her. She has been extremely rude to me. I just don't get it.

[kaliope]

I am sorry you feel abandoned by your daughter. i read your profile and some past posts to try and understand more. it seems from this post your daughter has an obligation to care for you due to your age and need. it sounds like she has a lot of stressors going on in her own life that she needs to attend to at the moment. her son seems to be a focus of concern. you question a rift? as traumatic as your life was growing up, the impact of this may have left its scars on your daughter as well. you are only just now working on healing. she may be doing what is necessary for her own healing and for that of her son.

[PianogirlPlays]

That is a very insightful answer as I am in a similar position. My daughter has been kind but periodically just reams me out over nothing. It has been a very challenging relationship. I miss her. She is not much available and doesn't live near. I haven't seen her in a year and a half. I know she is a hurting person. We both have had childhood traumas but I have really tried to hang in there. She is challenged in her own present life as I am in mine. The real shame is we have much in common and could be supportive with one another but instead there is all this anger. I guess Moms are safer targets for deep feelings. We are unlikely to abandon. I don't think they realize how much we need them now that we are older. Just added pain but indeed they might not have much left in their tanks to be the supportive, loving, kind and present daughters that I would want them to be. Suffering too!

[Momofthree0317]

Hi . I'm curious, what was you relationship with her as a child? Were you close? Did you raise her? My mother was bipolar, and so am I. I was diagnosed a year before she took her own life. Growing up I had major childhood trauma and at age 7, she abandoned me and my brother. She never knew how to be a mother, always wanted to be a friend. As a young teen, visiting her on occasion, I thought it was cool that my mom wanted to party with me and my friends. As soon as I became a mother, I resented her for a lot of things, and wish that I had let go of that anger before she died. I hope that your daughter does the same and that you are stronger than my mother was. I know I am and have to be for my children.

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By having a counsellor, you are already further progressed than my mum. We haven't spoken since March. I am quite confident she is sat at home, crying and feeling unloved, rejected and hurt. She has also done Jack S*** to change the situation. She is CPTSD, narcissistic, and borderline (my own diagnosis - she refuses to accept that her vile temper, decades long refusal to believe I love her, her irrational outbursts and violence, and desperately low self image are anything other than perfectly normal). The only way we will get our relationship back on track is if I am willing to ignore her behaviour, and carry on as if nothing happened. Im not willing to do that - Im in T and dealing with my own CPTSD caused at least in part by her behaviour. If she's not willing to change her behaviour towards me, I have to cut her out - for my own sanity. I would love for her to think about my feelings for once.

I have to say it does worry me here seeing so many mums concerned their daughters aren't being there for them. What about the other way round? What have you done to be there emotionally for your daughters? If it is all about your expectations of what you think your daughters should be doing for you... Well, to be frank, I completely sympathise with your daughters. You might be old, but you still have it in you to pick up the phone, and be there emotionally for your daughters. To listen, to care. To not make demands, and to love your daughters for who they are, not who you want them to be.

Have you tried to make contact with your daughters? My mum hasn't phoned, emailed, texted or anything. I've heard how hurt she is, how heart broken. But she hasn't actually done anything to contact me. She has however, twisted a lot of things to make me sound awful, to have other people in the family turn against me and think Im just the worst daughter ever. Its like she's pushing me away on purpose. Lets face it, Im hardly going to go running in to the arms of someone who demonises me - saying please, let me help you through your old age!

When you talk about your daughter, what do you say?

[brokenandalone1234]

I have cut ties with my mom for the most part I call her every once in a while. I cut ties with my mom due to the fact that I am tired of trying to have a relationship with my mom when she makes no effort to have one with me. I moved out on my own almost 4 years ago and moved in with my now fiance. Him and I were living in an apartment at first my mom never came over one time. We have a house now and have since October of last year and my mom and step dad keep saying oh we are going to come see your house and not once have they showed up to see it. Also when I call my mom sometimes she isn't home due to being at work which I understand but I leave messages with my step sister or step dad to have her call me back and she never does. On the off chance I call and she is home she rushes off the phone and makes some lame excuses like she is cooking dinner. I talk all the time while cooking dinner. Also I am getting married to my fiance in August and my mom has not once asked if she could go wedding dress shopping with me or if there was anything she could do to help with the wedding. My fiance's mom and step dad are helping with all the planning. My mom is now in her 40s she had me young. If my mom doesn't change her ways when she gets older to the point she needs help in life she will be going to a nursing home. I know that sounds harsh but it's true. Not saying my story is the same as yours is with your daughter. I just offered my story because I wanted to show you that not all children who leave their mothers behind are bad. I don't know if anything in my life applies to why your daughter as not contacted you in a while. I will say this though no child has a duty to care for an aging parent if it is a toxic relationship. The phone works both ways honey. If you call your daughter and get no answer than at least you can say you tried which is more than my mother can say. The only time I hear from my mom unless I call her is when she wants to nag at me for something I did that she doesn't agree with. Try to understand what your daughter is feeling may be she feels like why should she make an effort to have a relationship with you when you don't make the same effort to have one with her.

[CRJSAHM]

When I first started dealing with childhood abuse I couldn't deal with my mom. She was always kind of dependent anyway, so I didn't think she would be the best support. I think this was one of the healthiest things I ever did for myself. I say that because instead of getting all bogged down in her issues and her views of my experience I found healthy people to guide and support me. Sometimes it is hard to work through the maze of childhood and young adult parental relationships and find a way to be together that is healthy. We had some good times and she even lived with me for a few years. In the end the issue of taking care of mom never came up as she died when she was 60. This is NOT a cautionary tale for your daughter. She has to take care of herself no matter what. Seek out help on your own, figure out what you can't do on your own and find out what agencies or organizations can help. My mom and grandmother did that since none of us could be close due to work. Finding support groups helps too.
In the end my mom gave me loving space and that gave me more reason to resume contact when I was ready.