[Zen888]

Dear Mr. Thatcher at Proctor & Gamble ,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now.
As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fricking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness<actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Wal-Mart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending ********. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.
Best Regards,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Have a great day.

[littlemissjess]

Very true. Tampons are for me, but sometimes I feel dirty using them so I go to pads just to be safe but I use Always sometimes.

And yes, what is so HAPPY about a period? I'm already mad that I can't wear that white skirt I got or go out to dinner without worrying if I'm leaking or whatnot.

But great letter, I totally agree.

Thanks for posting that. It cracked me up Pilatus.

Have a nice Period!?!

[littlemissjess]

Hah I know really.

"Oh guys, I'm so happy I got my period today. I feel it's the best day of my life! "

pilatus, thank you so much for the laugh. i needed it....xoxox pat

[Juliana]

This is hilarious! I can honestly say I have NEVER had a happy period. I have never been like one of those women in the commercials dancing in tight, white pants.

[drunksunflower]

That is HILARIOUS :>

[Maven]

I've seen that before. It's great. I use tampons and Always pads. (The pad is a backup when I wear a tampon, and I use them alone for overnight.)

And, no, I've never had a happy period, either.

i'd like to see the man who could have periods, give birth and go through menopause........instead of the man who has the mid-life crisis, buys gold chains, a corvette, divorces his wife for someone the age of one of his children...........

[Raynaadi]

The last few days, I was getting all the cramps and symptoms of my period without it actually starting.

Was I happy about this? Not really.

My emotions are all over the place, crying one minute, laughing the next. Does this make me happy? Nah, not so much.

This morning I woke up and finally things had gotten started. Was I happy when I opened the tampon and then ran to the Advil bottle? I'm gonna have to say no.

I was happy though that I didn't wake up to a mess....thats always good.

Happy period? I think not.

And of coarse there's always that big FAT pimple right in the middle of your forehead or chin! Oh, that aaaalwaaaays makes me happy!!! Yippeee!!!! And I LOOOOOVE the cramps!!! And the bloody mess all over my underwear 'cause you know, somehow blood always gets on your underwear or worst-you get the start of your period when your sleeping and you leak ALL OVER YOUR BED SHEETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hIP HIP HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Raynaadi]

Oh I know its sooo exciting!!!!!! I can't wait for this EVERY month!!!!!

Oh I forgot about not being able to be intimate and not wanting anyone to touch me! That's like, the BEST part!

Oh and the ruined underwear, that is just so much fun!!!

Oh and what about the back pain and the feeling like my pelvic bones are coming apart at the seems! Its just SO fabulous!!!!

I just LOVE bleeding for 5 days out of every month! Yay! And its so wondeful to be bloated and not fit into any jeans comfortably!

Not to mention running to the bathroom when I'm out in public and feel like I'm leaking!!!!!!

Yay for periods!

YIPPEEEEEE!!!!

[bebop]

rotflmbo

[muse]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Pilatus, you are my HERO.


While I can honestly say that my periods are rather mild emotionally speaking, that did kind of irk me the first time I saw it. And I TOTALLY agree, ladies... I had quite the "Menstrual Adventure" the other day when I literally had to leap off my choir's charter bus, rip open my luggage and rush to the bathroom and back because HEY! Guess who decided to FINALLY show up right before the trip to the airport?

Thanks so much for this--I needed it after the last few days!! XD

all the best,
~muse

[(JD)]

The letter was rather amusing imo...

but I'm more concerned about all you ladies with so much trouble over this. While there are some ppl who can't get total relief, there are things that can help you not have such a tough time each month. Speak with your MDs, check out the meds/herbal remedies, work on the frame of mind... in some cultures this is a happy/joyous time, you know? Blue/black cohosh, evening primrose oil and many other things help alleviate and prevent severe problems. Sometimes fibroids cause heavy periods also... Stress absolutely can affect the timing, which is more distressing if you forget to plan for this...

Taking control and working on the problems you are experiencing will also give you a sense of control... right now it sounds to me as though being out of control (being controlled by your monthly) adds to your stress.

[muse]

Hey, I actually have a question that you all might be able to help me with... sometimes, early on in my period, I get really sensitive down there... often to the point of having severe, stinging pain. It'll go away after a day or two and it's nothing I can't work through, but is there any reason I get like that??

Oh, and really sorry if I'm hijacking this thread.... ignore if I am.

Thanks much!!
~muse

[Zen888]

Hi Muse

It maybe a yeast infection..go see your GP.

[muse]

I don't think so, actually, since it only occurrs the first day or two of my period and is sometimes there and sometimes isn't. Does a yeast infection do that?? o.O

Creepy. But I had a thought (back on topic, WHEE!)... somebody should REALLY sticky this thread, or at least the first post. Your letter is genius!! XD

~muse

[Maven]

Men should be very afraid of women. After all, wouldn't you be afraid of something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

[Raynaadi]

Whoo hoo Southpark!!!! LOL!!!!

[muse]

Nice one, Maven!! XD

[Maven]

You got it Raynaadi! Thanks, Muse!

it sounds faintly... chinese or something. polite. thats what i'm thinking. i wonder if it might be more standard to print things on them like that in china or wherever? then the business influence...

if you are worrying about being pregnant... period can be a welcome relief.

if you get bloating and cramps (as i do) prior where they alleviate once the bleeding starts... then the bleeding can be a welcome relief.

there are some people... who identify their femininity quite strongly with their period. hard to believe, perhaps, but there are some women who take the attitude that their bleeding is a wonderful symbol of their feminity and fertility.

if you are getting near menopause periods might be quite welcome (if not celebrated) too...

perhaps.

[Raynaadi]

Hmm, good outlook Alexandra! Way to look at the positive!!!!

I know for me this month, the PMS was HORRID so I WAS relieved to start the bleeding, because it meant it would be over soon.

Its always good to pull the positive out of something, so THANK YOU for your outlook!