I don't think I want to have children

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and came for some advice, support, words...anything really. I'm a 27 year old female, diagnosis of bipolar (not sure I agree with that).

I'm 6 months into a happy marriage to my partner of 7 years.

My dilemma is this - after all these years I'm becoming more sure I don't want to have children. I've always known I didn't possess that "maternal urge" (unless towards cute animals counts. People have ALWAYS told me that the urge would come, one day it would just happen and I'd know. I've held on to that for so many years but now I'm 27, married, a home owner, financially stable and still have no urge. My friends have children, my close friend just had a baby - doesn't make me want one. Holding their tiny little babies is lovely, they're so cute, but it doesn't make me brood for one. I feel like I'm dysfunctional or something...shouldn't I feel an urge by now?

My husband wants kids, I've always known that. I always thought I would have children, but I never really thought that I wanted children, I think I just thought children were in my future...maybe because that's the general societal theme - meet someone, get married, have kids.

Truth is my husband wants to have children...next year. I've put it off already, saying I wanted to go to Disney world first. So we are going there in May. There was sort of a loose plan that we would start trying then, but the thought scares me so much.

When I look at myself I just don't see myself a mother. When I think about my future I just don't see a child in it. I can't picture myself and my husband as parents. I'm very independent and feel like all that would be taken away, I'd never be alone again (I like my me time) and I'd lose the freedom to just go and do whatever I wanted, or to travel and see the world. I know those reasons sound oh so selfish. I sometimes worry as well that I'll not make a good mother, or that I'll struggle because of my MH diagnosis. I'm always so tired, even on ten hours sleep so I worry I wouldn't cope with a crying baby keeping me up all night.

I haven't spoken with my husband about it because I'm scared. I feel like I've deceived him, even though It was never intentional - I just didn't know myself. Maybe I just need more time? Truth is I don't want to say I definitely don't want children, but I don't want to say I do either. I'm as scared of regretting never having children than I am of having children and regretting that decision too.

I know he wasn't entirely sure I'd want children when he married me, because when I agreed to maybe start "trying" in 2017 he said "I was worried you'd never want to". So he obviously knew when he married me that I may not...I suppose that's good. I'm so scared he will leave me if I don't want children and that he will find someone who does. He's the love of my life and I couldn't live without him.

Any advice? Anyone been in a similar dilemma?

The key to a successful and happy marriage is to be open and honest about how you feel regarding major relationship points, such as the concept of having (or not having) kids. I feel that if you aren't fully committed to the idea of being a mother, than it's best not to have them just to please the H. You'll grow resentful and the child or children will not have a fully committed mother and that's not fair to them.

So, talk to your husband. He married you for you, not because you have the ability to bare him children.

Only 6 months into the marriage is still rather fresh. There's much to do without the pressure of trying to conceive.

What are your husband's expectations of family life? Will he be changing the diapers? Taking the baby/child to every appointment? Time off from work? These points deserve discussion. The pressure not need always be about maternal instincts and yearning. Oh what a weight women bare on their shoulders.

I've not been one to ooh and aww, myself. I do seem to have kids gravitate towards me, oddly. I see kids, I see tremendous responsibility.

I went through my twenties thinking that I was to selfish to have children, getting up to someone else schedule and all that sounds hellish to me but now I'm in my mid 30's and the possibility of having a child is almost zero I really want one !
A relative who never had children past away recently and her later years of life where ones of regret for never having had a family, she married several times and her husband who past away only weeks after her had children and grandchildren but spending time with them only seemed to make her regret stronger I am terrified that will be me and now wish I hadn't been so careful with my birth control in my younger years.

I've heard FAR more selfish reasons for having kids than I've ever heard for not having them.

Its your life, you're an adult, and the awesome thing about being an adult is that you can live any which way you choose.

I can't stand it when people say those who don't want kids are selfish. Really? Most people I know who don't want kids have actually thought it through----but on the flip side, a lot of people who do have kids have gone through "oops we didn't use birth control, I guess I'm having a kid!"

Honestly, its a bit ridiculous to tell someone that if they don't want to give up 18 years of their life to raising a child that they are selfish. Well damn, I guess taking care of my own needs b/c of my own health issues makes me the most selfish person on the planet! Sorry, end of rant. But really, We live in a mommy centered culture with mommies who look down on non-mommies and it just gets really old, this antiquated, shallow, narrow minded way of thinking.

My daughter and son-in-law have been married for almost 5 years and have decided not to have children. My daughter has some physical challenges and fears pregnancy would be way too hard on her body. She is definitely not interested in being a mother; he is so-so about being a father. They are both very career-oriented. They are both devoted to their nieces and nephews. One wonderful option they plan to explore is mentoring.

I had my son at 35. I was never supposed to get pregnant as I don't ovulate. It took 5 years of trying but I got pregnant without fertility treatments - I got my positive the day before my fertility treatment appointment. So it is possible. Good Luck.

No those reasons don't sound selfish, and certainly concerns about MH are valid and sensible.

That said your words about independence and not having time to yourself jumped out at me. Yes early parenthood is very intensive, it is a shock to the system for many of us, but that phase is only a few years. I'm the other side of this now and can tell you it's pretty wonderful when they are grown and you can have interesting conversations with them, often these days I find my son makes me consider life in a way I wouldn't otherwise.

It's a big decision, if you need more time then tell your H about your concerns, but please do consider the long term impact not just the baby/small child phase.

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with not wanting children, it doesn't make you broken, and all the more power to you for being responsible and not bowing to peer pressure by having a child just because everyone else has.
I have heard people say, wait a bit longer,see how it goes, etc.
IMHO 7 and a half years with a man you love,in a stable environment, with all those usual triggers of friends having babies should have been enough to tip the balance if it was a matter of waiting for the urge to kick in.

Infact the balance has tipped, but in the opposite direction. Once again. I will say there is nothing wrong with that or you.

The problem arises with your partner. Because let's face it this is a deal breaker in most relationships.
Yes you should have had an open and Frank discussion before you got married, regardless of if you weren't sure, just so he knew that possibility was out there. In that sense he may well feel deceived.
However you need to address it NOW, before he starts making plans for a nursery, or looking at tiny soccer outfits.
I know you don't want to hurt him or lose him but he has to have the right to choose.
I doubt he will thoughtlessly discard a 7 year relationship, unless the reason you got married was to have children.

I am very sorry you have found your self in this situation but now is the time to face it.
All the best.

(Just a side note, I am a single mother of 4, and fiercely independent. If I wanted to up and go somewhere, I just did it. Took the kids with me. I am a great believer in life experience over academic structure.
Been to music festivals, travelled in Europe, lots of trips to historical venues.
Just wanted to say there is more than one way to raise your kids. Doesn't have to be all mums coffee mornings, toddler groups or pta meetings. I really didn't change my lifestyle that much.)

I'm in my mid to late 20s and don't want kids myself. There's nothing wrong not wanting to have a child.