Why are men so cold & unemotional?

jesyka · Jul 11, 2023, 11:22 AM

It seems to me that most men have almost no empathy for other people usually. To me it seems as if they can’t stand to listen to anything that’s emotional.

The only emotions thet seem to have are physical ones & anger. Why? My husband is almost like a damn robot he’s so cold. He shows love to our cat but not me usually.

I don’t get men at all. It sucks being seen as to to ‘sensitive’ & it hurts being dismissed & ignored all the time.

Does anyone else have these issues with the men in their life? I rarely get asked about my day or receive any compliments either. It’s always nagging, criticism, complaining, threats, demands, being asked to cook or clean, etc, ugh!

I hate most men now.

divine1966 · Jul 11, 2023, 01:35 PM

No. Not the case at all.

That’s the men you meet. I’ve met a few like that myself but I’ve met cold and unloving women too. I don’t think it’s gender specific. People are people. I think the trick is to turn away from people like this. Don’t stick around. The minute you noticed they are cold and unemotional and/or angry, don’t date them, don’t be friends and certainly don’t marry them

jesyka · Jul 11, 2023, 02:28 PM

Thanks. You’re right about what you said.

Tart Cherry Jam · Aug 04, 2023, 08:29 PM

Not at all. And you can just read the Relationships and Communication forum to see how many sensitive and vulnerable men are out there. It is not gender-specific, despite the stereotype.

nonightowl · Aug 06, 2023, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

Not at all. And you can just read the Relationships and Communication forum to see how many sensitive and vulnerable men are out there. It is not gender-specific, despite the stereotype.

I agree. There ARE good ones out there, just like there are cold, unemotional women! I think part of it is upbringing and culture, as men are expected to be tough and not show feelings like sadness. I don't know how it is in other countries but it's present in the US for sure.

If men show vulnerability, they are called wimps or sissies or worse, not only by other men but women too.

It could also be generational, in the sense that if they were raised the way their dads were, it's just a vicious cycle. I'm hoping it's different now, as I believe today's younger men are more emotionally available than previous generations.

Once I read that all this repressing of emotions is why men have heart attacks and high blood pressure more than women.

jesyka · Aug 07, 2023, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

Not at all. And you can just read the Relationships and Communication forum to see how many sensitive and vulnerable men are out there. It is not gender-specific, despite the stereotype.

OK. There are maybe one of thise for every 100 insensitive cavemen type or robot types out there it seens like, lol 😆

jesyka · Aug 07, 2023, 04:19 PM

Years

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I agree. There ARE good ones out there, just like there are cold, unemotional women! I think part of it is upbringing and culture, as men are expected to be tough and not show feelings like sadness. I don't know how it is in other countries but it's present in the US for sure.

If men show vulnerability, they are called wimps or sissies or worse, not only by other men but women too.

It could also be generational, in the sense that if they were raised the way their dads were, it's just a vicious cycle. I'm hoping it's different now, as I believe today's younger men are more emotionally available than previous generations.

Once I read that all this repressing of emotions is why men have heart attacks and high blood pressure more than women.

It’s to bad that men get called wimps or worse for showing emotion.

divine1966 · Aug 07, 2023, 04:47 PM

I don’t experience men as cold or unemotional at all. Go hang out with men in nurturing professions or men who are devoted parents or men who volunteer their time to help others . Not cold at all. Where do you meet them. You might be looking in all wrong places.

Are you talking about like old generations like mid 1900s? I also don’t see anyone being called whimps if they show emotions. It is such outdated info. Or could be cultural like in some areas men are this way. But it’s not prevalent at all.

Tart Cherry Jam · Aug 07, 2023, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

OK. There are maybe one of thise for every 100 insensitive cavemen type or robot types out there it seens like, lol 😆

What you are alluding to is self-selection bias on the Relationship and Communication board. True, it is present, but you are still grossly overestimating the degree to which being cold and unemotional is present among men in general because you are extrapolating from your own experience.

Tart Cherry Jam · Aug 07, 2023, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Or could be cultural like in some areas men are this way. But it’s not prevalent at all.

OP lives in San Francisco Bay Area. It is not culturally prevalent here to extoll men who are cold and unemotional, as I can attest from having lived here for almost 3 decades.

divine1966 · Aug 07, 2023, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

OP lives in San Francisco Bay Area. It is not culturally prevalent here to extoll men who are cold and unemotional, as I can attest from having lived here for almost 3 decades.

Oh absolutely. I was just grasping at straws trying to figure out where OP finds these men. It sounded that because her husband is that way the assumption is made that every man is this way.

lovethesun · Aug 08, 2023, 06:07 AM

I agree with what the others have said. Sure there are some men who seem cold and unemotional, but I’ve met plenty of women who are too. It’s not the gender here, it’s the personality trait. And if this type of personality is not what you want to be around, then walk away….no matter if it’s a man or a woman.

Aug 08, 2023, 06:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

It seems to me that most men have almost no empathy for other people usually. To me it seems as if they can’t stand to listen to anything that’s emotional.

The only emotions thet seem to have are physical ones & anger. Why? My husband is almost like a damn robot he’s so cold. He shows love to our cat but not me usually.

I don’t get men at all. It sucks being seen as to to ‘sensitive’ & it hurts being dismissed & ignored all the time.

Does anyone else have these issues with the men in their life? I rarely get asked about my day or receive any compliments either. It’s always nagging, criticism, complaining, threats, demands, being asked to cook or clean, etc, ugh!

I hate most men now.

What was your husband like when you two dated? Was his personality aloof and 'cold' the way you describe him now?

Your husband sounds like he's not emotionally available to you in the way that you deserve/need him to be, if he treats you the way you describe:

Quote:

I rarely get asked about my day or receive any compliments either. It’s always nagging, criticism, complaining, threats, demands, being asked to cook or clean, etc, ugh!

Have you asked him why he treats you this way? Have you let him know that the way he treats you feels hurtful and disrespectful to you?

I don't think you are too 'sensitive.' Gaslighters use that to undermine their victim's self-confidence. Usually, gaslighters view emotionally available people as a threat to their own emotional vulnerability; a threat because they have chosen to repress whatever trauma they experienced as children from their parents growing up.

I found a blog about emotionally unavailable men for you.

Have you asked him to go to couples counseling with you? That may be a possible next step to help you communicate with him how you feel, without him shutting you down by yelling at you,etc. Sorry to read that you're in this unvalidating kind of relationship with your husband.

Discombobulated · Aug 08, 2023, 08:15 AM

I’m wondering too whether it’s your husband and father you’re basing this judgement on, rather than men generally. That’s understandable, it’s coloured your perception of men.

You can’t generalise a gender though, just as we mightn’t like women being generalised and judged harshly as a group.

divine1966 · Aug 08, 2023, 09:52 AM

Asking to do some cooking and cleaning isn’t unreasonable since you don’t work. If my husband didn’t work, you bet I’d be asking for housework to get done while I work, normally we split chores but I’d not want to come home after work day with nothing done if he was home all day and was going to concerts and restaurants and festivals and movies and socialized with friends. I’d expect some stuff to get done.

BUT your husband absolutely has no business threatening and mistreating you. He’s abusive. I don’t think the issue is him being cold. He’s rude and mean. And what he’s doing is abuse.

I can ensure you that’s not how all men are at all.

nonightowl · Aug 08, 2023, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Motts

snip:

I don't think you are too 'sensitive.' Gaslighters use that to undermine their victim's self-confidence. Usually, gaslighters view emotionally available people as a threat to their own emotional vulnerability; a threat because they have chosen to repress whatever trauma they experienced as children from their parents growing up.

Sorry to read that you're in this unvalidating kind of relationship with your husband.

Thanks for talking about someone's own trauma from their OWN parents.

This hits home with me, as both of my parents were emotionally unavailable or immature, hence calling ME "too sensitive" like it's a flaw. So, whether man or woman, if gaslit this way growing up, it will pass on to the next generation unless a conscious effort is made to stop it. I read the analogy that it's like a multi-car pile up on the freeway.

I agree with Motts, that I too am sorry you have that kind of thing with your husband.

Of all people to have ideally emotional closeness with it, it would be one's spouse or partner.

Anyway men are told to "man up"......I'm hoping my generation is better than my parents' generation, hence raising a generation of more emotionally available men. And they in turn raise their sons, etc.

nonightowl · Aug 08, 2023, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovethesun

And if this type of personality is not what you want to be around, then walk away….no matter if it’s a man or a woman.

I agree. My childhood was that way; I sure as heck don't need it as an adult.

Aug 08, 2023, 07:01 PM

Although I loved both of my parents, I've spent years on this forum ranting about their emotional and sometimes verbal abuse. So, I speak from my own experience.

It's why as the scapegoat and codependent, that I attract narcissist friends and narcissist romantic attachments; due to emotional neglect from both of my parents. It dawned on me, that their emotional neglect is why my siblings and I never emotionally connected either.

It explains why my siblings triangulate me and why the three of us never emotionally attached to each other. Emotional abuse is like a multi-car pile-up for future generations because it never stops. It gets passed on, I believe, at the DNA level.

@jesyka I encourage you to find ways to empower yourself so that you can verbally and physically create healthy boundaries around your relationship with your husband, while you figure out what you want.

Tart Cherry Jam · Aug 08, 2023, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Motts

Have you asked him to go to couples counseling with you? That may be a possible next step to help you communicate with him how you feel, without him shutting you down by yelling at you,etc. Sorry to read that you're in this unvalidating kind of relationship with your husband.

He would never do that. He is also generally against doctors.

divine1966 · Aug 08, 2023, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

He would never do that. He is also generally against doctors.

He even refuses to get health insurance, which is very strange to me

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 02:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t experience men as cold or unemotional at all. Go hang out with men in nurturing professions or men who are devoted parents or men who volunteer their time to help others . Not cold at all. Where do you meet them. You might be looking in all wrong places.

Are you talking about like old generations like mid 1900s? I also don’t see anyone being called whimps if they show emotions. It is such outdated info. Or could be cultural like in some areas men are this way. But it’s not prevalent at all.

I have completely given up on trying to be friends with men as all thet ever did was hurt me. Most of them were pigs who were only interested in sex, ugh!

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 02:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Motts

What was your husband like when you two dated? Was his personality aloof and 'cold' the way you describe him now?

Your husband sounds like he's not emotionally available to you in the way that you deserve/need him to be, if he treats you the way you describe:

Have you asked him why he treats you this way? Have you let him know that the way he treats you feels hurtful and disrespectful to you?

I don't think you are too 'sensitive.' Gaslighters use that to undermine their victim's self-confidence. Usually, gaslighters view emotionally available people as a threat to their own emotional vulnerability; a threat because they have chosen to repress whatever trauma they experienced as children from their parents growing up.

I found a blog about emotionally unavailable men for you.

Have you asked him to go to couples counseling with you? That may be a possible next step to help you communicate with him how you feel, without him shutting you down by yelling at you,etc. Sorry to read that you're in this unvalidating kind of relationship with your husband.

Yes, he was always cold & unemotional. He refuses to go to therapy.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 02:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Asking to do some cooking and cleaning isn’t unreasonable since you don’t work. If my husband didn’t work, you bet I’d be asking for housework to get done while I work, normally we split chores but I’d not want to come home after work day with nothing done if he was home all day and was going to concerts and restaurants and festivals and movies and socialized with friends. I’d expect some stuff to get done.

BUT your husband absolutely has no business threatening and mistreating you. He’s abusive. I don’t think the issue is him being cold. He’s rude and mean. And what he’s doing is abuse.

I can ensure you that’s not how all men are at all.

Thanks. He is abusive.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 02:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl

Thanks for talking about someone's own trauma from their OWN parents.

This hits home with me, as both of my parents were emotionally unavailable or immature, hence calling ME "too sensitive" like it's a flaw. So, whether man or woman, if gaslit this way growing up, it will pass on to the next generation unless a conscious effort is made to stop it. I read the analogy that it's like a multi-car pile up on the freeway.

I agree with Motts, that I too am sorry you have that kind of thing with your husband.

Of all people to have ideally emotional closeness with it, it would be one's spouse or partner.

Anyway men are told to "man up"......I'm hoping my generation is better than my parents' generation, hence raising a generation of more emotionally available men. And they in turn raise their sons, etc.

Sorry to hear about what you went through.

divine1966 · Aug 09, 2023, 02:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I have completely given up on trying to be friends with men as all thet ever did was hurt me. Most of them were pigs who were only interested in sex, ugh!

That’s the men you are attracted to. That’s not how most men are. Sadly that happens if you are raised by unavailable or neglectful/ abusive parents. Good therapy could help you

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