Why are men so cold & unemotional?

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 09:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

That’s the men you are attracted to. That’s not how most men are. Sadly that happens if you are raised by unavailable or neglectful/ abusive parents. Good therapy could help you

Idk if that’s the case or not There were times when men who didn’t even knoe me obviously treated me badly.

I think it’s best to avoid all men. I can’t even trust them in a professional setting too See my latest thread regarding the rude chiropractor

It’s like none of them think that I deserve to be treated with any respect for some odd reason. I don’t get it.

nonightowl · Aug 09, 2023, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Motts

snip: Emotional abuse is like a multi-car pile-up for future generations because it never stops. It gets passed on, I believe, at the DNA level.

I said just that in my post yesterday, about the car pile up.

Thanks for validating me.

I never knew the lack of connection between my only sibling is because of the way we were raised. It never occurred to me that because our parents didn't connect with US, WE didn't connect with each other. And they had their own estrangements with their own siblings. My mom didn't even discuss hers; it was like she didn't even have any.

The DNA thing I haven't heard of. THAT is scary....

divine1966 · Aug 09, 2023, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Idk if that’s the case or not There were times when men who didn’t even knoe me obviously treated me badly.

I think it’s best to avoid all men. I can’t even trust them in a professional setting too See my latest thread regarding the rude chiropractor

It’s like none of them think that I deserve to be treated with any respect for some odd reason. I don’t get it.

I don’t know if avoiding all men would solve any issue. You have issues with women too. You can’t possibly avoid people.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I’m wondering too whether it’s your husband and father you’re basing this judgement on, rather than men generally. That’s understandable, it’s coloured your perception of men.

You can’t generalise a gender though, just as we mightn’t like women being generalised and judged harshly as a group.

To some extent, it is.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t know if avoiding all men would solve any issue. You have issues with women too. You can’t possibly avoid people.

Actually, it’ll help a lot. If I don’t give them anything to use against me or the oppurtunity to hurt or use me, then I’ll probably be safe from harm.

I keep meeting the wrong people most of the time. I wish that I didn’t need anyone. If I ever won the lottery, I’d say good bye to most of the rat race, & deal with people as little as humanly possible. I’d get an assistant to do things like make appointments. lol 😆 I’m probably a misanthrope at this point.

Rive. · Aug 09, 2023, 11:49 AM

Why are men so cold and unemotional? Well, it is not a coincidence how the statistics reflect how men are the predominant gender with regards to violence and aggression - be it intimate partner violence, domestic abuse, rape, child molestation, road rage and so on.

So, saying there is no difference between the genders is ridiculous.

divine1966 · Aug 09, 2023, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive.

Why are men so cold and unemotional? Well, it is not a coincidence how the statistics reflect how men are the predominant gender with regards to violence and aggression - be it intimate partner violence, domestic abuse, rape, child molestation, road rage and so on.

So, saying there is no difference between the genders is ridiculous.

You are making a good point. But on the daily basis most of us don’t run into these extreme behaviors you describe.

I’ve met cold, abusive and calculating women and warm nurturing men plenty. I also think people ought to go live in some regions where men are very domineering and women absolutely have no rights, then maybe they’ll see how lucky we are in the Western world

In my 57 years of life and living on two continents I just cannot in good conscience accept statement that men here are cold and unemotional. Some are. Same as some women

Discombobulated · Aug 09, 2023, 12:43 PM

I feel sad for you jesyka, there’s a lot of bad experiences coming through in your posts, I am reading that you are feeling distrustful of men and women too. But you are posting here and you’re talking to us, and I hope you’re feeling some kindness from at least some of our posts?

As for your early experiences, have you explored re parenting yourself? It’s about nurturing yourself in the way you mightn’t have been nurtured growing up.

nonightowl · Aug 09, 2023, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

snip:But you are posting here and you’re talking to us, and I hope you’re feeling some kindness from at least some of our posts?

I hope so too.

It's true that men's brains are biologically different from women and that they have been (and still are) the dominant gender for eons.

BUT, I'm just saying not all men are cold and not all women are warm. Yeah a lot of serial killers turn out to be men, or mass shooters, but women can be just as vicious as men. (Think Lizzie Borden!) Maybe even more so, as I like to say women stab you in the back but men will stab you in the front. By that, I think they don't pretend to be your friend and like you. A woman will. Mind you, not ALL women! A male co-worker once told me that if a man is your enemy, you know he's your enemy. That's straightforward at least...

My closest (and only real) friend in real life is a man. He's my age. I can tell him anything, and unlike men in general, he's emotionally available and mature.

Speaking from my own experience, as that's all I can do, I've known both kind men and mean women. And vice versa.

Just know I'm sending you hugs, as I've experienced what you are going through, with both men and women.

I really hope you find some decent people, as you are a decent person and deserve so much better.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I feel sad for you jesyka, there’s a lot of bad experiences coming through in your posts, I am reading that you are feeling distrustful of men and women too. But you are posting here and you’re talking to us, and I hope you’re feeling some kindness from at least some of our posts?

As for your early experiences, have you explored re parenting yourself? It’s about nurturing yourself in the way you mightn’t have been nurtured growing up.

Thanks. I appreciate the support, but I’m sensing a lot of judgement like just about everything is my fault & that other people aren’t the problem aside from my husband. I’m hearing that I’m the problem mostly & that I expect to much just for having needs.

What about these people who abuse & disrespect me? Why are they rarely blamed for anything aside from the predatory men I mentioned & my husband ? Weird!

What is reparenting exactly?

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I hope so too.

It's true that men's brains are biologically different from women and that they have been (and still are) the dominant gender for eons.

BUT, I'm just saying not all men are cold and not all women are warm. Yeah a lot of serial killers turn out to be men, or mass shooters, but women can be just as vicious as men. (Think Lizzie Borden!) Maybe even more so, as I like to say women stab you in the back but men will stab you in the front. By that, I think they don't pretend to be your friend and like you. A woman will. Mind you, not ALL women! A male co-worker once told me that if a man is your enemy, you know he's your enemy. That's straightforward at least...

My closest (and only real) friend in real life is a man. He's my age. I can tell him anything, and unlike men in general, he's emotionally available and mature.

Speaking from my own experience, as that's all I can do, I've known both kind men and mean women. And vice versa.

Just know I'm sending you hugs, as I've experienced what you are going through, with both men and women.

I really hope you find some decent people, as you are a decent person and deserve so much better.

Thanks for your kind words. I do deserve better. You do make some good points. Some men will actually pretend to like you as a friend in order to wait for that moment to where they think they can take advantage of you which is disgusting predatory behaviour.

Some women can be vicious too, no doubt about that. In general though, men tend to be more dangerous & more liky to physically hurt a woman.

Most women tend to hurt other women on a psychological level. Sometimes they can be physically dangerous too, but most of the time, it’s the men who are the most physically dangerous people out there.

nonightowl · Aug 09, 2023, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Thanks. I appreciate the support, but I’m sensing a lot of judgement like just about everything is my fault & that other people aren’t the problem aside from my husband. I’m hearing that I’m the problem mostly & that I expect to much just for having needs.

What about these people who abuse & disrespect me? Why are they rarely blamed for anything aside from the predatory men I mentioned & my husband ? Weird!

What is reparenting exactly?

It isn't your fault.

There's nothing wrong with looking for/needing an emotional connection. It's part of being human. Men need and benefit from it too, yet aren't as aware of it. Or accepting of it.

I'm not sure what reparenting is, but I think it means to give yourself the emotional validation you didn't get growing up.

And that means that it's okay to have the feelings you have. Discomb could explain better but I think it's tending to your inner child, comforting her. We all have a kid inside, but not all of us got the nurturing we deserved growing up. It affects us as adults, both men and women.

Discombobulated · Aug 09, 2023, 01:41 PM

Reparenting

There’s lots on the web if you Google but I’ve included this link, it’s a therapy site so it does focus on therapy but there’s lots of tips you can focus on yourself with in non therapeutic setting - self compassion for instance. From your posts I think this could be something (missing from your childhood) that you could benefit from working on.

I’m sorry you’ve felt judged

Hoping there have been some helpful replies too.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl

It isn't your fault.

There's nothing wrong with looking for/needing an emotional connection. It's part of being human. Men need and benefit from it too, yet aren't as aware of it. Or accepting of it.

I'm not sure what reparenting is, but I think it means to give yourself the emotional validation you didn't get growing up.

And that means that it's okay to have the feelings you have. Discomb could explain better but I think it's tending to your inner child, comforting her. We all have a kid inside, but not all of us got the nurturing we deserved growing up. It affects us as adults, both men and women.

Thanks. I’ll look into that.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Reparenting

There’s lots on the web if you Google but I’ve included this link, it’s a therapy site so it does focus on therapy but there’s lots of tips you can focus on yourself with in non therapeutic setting - self compassion for instance. From your posts I think this could be something (missing from your childhood) that you could benefit from working on.

I’m sorry you’ve felt judged

Hoping there have been some helpful replies too.

Thanks for providing that link.

divine1966 · Aug 09, 2023, 02:13 PM

It’s not your fault you are being abused by men. I am just saying not every men is this way. You have abusive husband. He doesn’t represent all male population. Not every husband is abusive. Other terrible stories about horrid men you encounter were mostly drunk bar goers. Those should be avoided at all costs and most decent men don’t hang out in bars drinking. They don’t represent all population either. But certainly it’s not your fault you are mistreated by men.

Guy like rude chiropractor is a jerk but he’s not jerk because he’s a man. He’s a rude human being

Travelinglady · Aug 09, 2023, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I agree. There ARE good ones out there, just like there are cold, unemotional women! I think part of it is upbringing and culture, as men are expected to be tough and not show feelings like sadness. I don't know how it is in other countries but it's present in the US for sure.

If men show vulnerability, they are called wimps or sissies or worse, not only by other men but women too.

It could also be generational, in the sense that if they were raised the way their dads were, it's just a vicious cycle. I'm hoping it's different now, as I believe today's younger men are more emotionally available than previous generations.

Once I read that all this repressing of emotions is why men have heart attacks and high blood pressure more than women.

I agree. I've actually noticed, though, that gay men seem to be more sensitive to women.

nonightowl · Aug 09, 2023, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

I agree. I've actually noticed, though, that gay men seem to be more sensitive to women.

Probably, in a general sense.

But my only male friend is straight!

And I've been friends with gay men in the past, many years ago. I'd just like a sincere, true friend---male or female, gay or not. I just need a decent person, another one, that is.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023, 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s not your fault you are being abused by men. I am just saying not every men is this way. You have abusive husband. He doesn’t represent all male population. Not every husband is abusive. Other terrible stories about horrid men you encounter were mostly drunk bar goers. Those should be avoided at all costs and most decent men don’t hang out in bars drinking. They don’t represent all population either. But certainly it’s not your fault you are mistreated by men.

Guy like rude chiropractor is a jerk but he’s not jerk because he’s a man. He’s a rude human being

I’ve also met rude abusive former bosses, coworkers & a few classmates too.

Trigger warning:

I have even been sexually assaulted at work in my 20’s by this one supervisor at a call center in front of lots of people. No one did anything to help me even when I told him loudly to let go of my arm as he was hurting me.

He made a sick joke about everything being bigger in Texas. I didn’t laugh. I was married & wearing a ring.

He grabbed my arm hard & wouldn’t let go at first. I stupidly didn’t report him. Idk know why I didn’t. I wish I would’ve called the cops on him for assaulting me.

Sicko! I don’t understand why I attract loser creeps like this when I’m not even at a club or a bar, wth? Ugh! I don’t even dress provocatively either or flirt with men!

Discombobulated · Aug 10, 2023, 12:01 AM

Yeah that’s not nice, and I’m glad you’d report it now, I’m sorry people didn’t stop him. Sometimes people do just freeze.

I can tell you though that my son (he’s in his 20s) has had harassment from women, sometimes in the street (once when he was just 17) and work. He’s quite a muscly guy and the number of certain type of women who think it’s okay to squeeze his biceps has quite astonished me. It does happen to men too, I didn’t realise the extent until it happened to him. And men often don’t feel like they can report either, or at least my son didn’t, he felt embarrassed. Like he’s meant to take it as a compliment??

Assault/harassment is never okay whatever gender you are.

divine1966 · Aug 10, 2023, 12:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Yeah that’s not nice, and I’m glad you’d report it now, I’m sorry people didn’t stop him. Sometimes people do just freeze.

I can tell you though that my son (he’s in his 20s) has had harassment from women, sometimes in the street (once when he was just 17) and work. He’s quite a muscly guy and the number of certain type of women who think it’s okay to squeeze his biceps has quite astonished me. It does happen to men too, I didn’t realise the extent until it happened to him. And men often don’t feel like they can report either, or at least my son didn’t, he felt embarrassed. Like he’s meant to take it as a compliment??

Assault/harassment is never okay whatever gender you are.

Agreed. Although statistically women are more likely to be harassed, men often are as well. Just ask men in caring professions (like nurses) or customer service ( like waiters) what they have to put up with.

divine1966 · Aug 10, 2023, 12:48 AM

Harassment is never ok. That’s a given. Most certainly a man who grabbed your arm and not let go had to face serums consequences. Regardless of his gender.

nonightowl · 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Yeah that’s not nice, and I’m glad you’d report it now, I’m sorry people didn’t stop him. Sometimes people do just freeze.

I can tell you though that my son (he’s in his 20s) has had harassment from women, sometimes in the street (once when he was just 17) and work. He’s quite a muscly guy and the number of certain type of women who think it’s okay to squeeze his biceps has quite astonished me. It does happen to men too, I didn’t realise the extent until it happened to him. And men often don’t feel like they can report either, or at least my son didn’t, he felt embarrassed. Like he’s meant to take it as a compliment??

Assault/harassment is never okay whatever gender you are.

People are afraid to get involved or they freeze, like Discomb says. It's so shocking that they are just immobile.

It's true that men can be harassed too, not just by women by other men.

What you said about your son reminded me of how a man I was acquainted with kept asking me out and I said no. One time he snuck up behind me while I was on the computer at the library. He leaned in close and put his hand on my shoulder, saying "We really have to go out sometime." I said "No we don't!" Yeah before anybody says it was my shoulder and not something else, it was still totally invasive and inappropriate to touch me.

Speaking of what you said about compliments, I once had a man stare at me in the parking lot of a coffee shop. I was sitting outside waiting for someone. He rolled down his window, stared like staring at a painting, and smiled. I didn't smile back. Inside he got in line behind me. He said something about how pretty I am, then at the cream and sugar counter, he was right behind me again.

He then got offended and yelled in front of other customers that I have a real problem!

And to add insult to injury as they say, this so-called friend (whom I no longer talk to) said I should have felt complimented. When I said what happened, she asked "Well did you say THANK YOU?" WTF?

Talk about feeling objectified. Staring, following me, then getting upset I'm not flattered? It's creepy and stalky. It's wrong for people to touch others like what happened with your son. And it was wrong of that man in the coffee shop to say that I'm the one with the problem. He needs to learn boundaries and to not just walk up to women like that.

I read somewhere that the US has lost its moral compass. Not only harassment up and plain courtesy is gone now it seems.

Jeskya, so sorry.

This happens to me too, as the creeps are drawn to me like moths to a flame. And they will get singed. I swear I'm a $hit magnet.

nonightowl · Aug 10, 2023, 09:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

snip: I don’t even dress provocatively either or flirt with men!

Even if women do dress that way, they are not "asking" for it as many people claim. Assault and harassment is wrong, no matter what someone is wearing. We seem to do a lot of victim blaming in this country, about everything.

I was once in gym clothes, walking down the street, when guys in a car pulled over and asked "How much?"

jesyka · Aug 10, 2023, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Yeah that’s not nice, and I’m glad you’d report it now, I’m sorry people didn’t stop him. Sometimes people do just freeze.

I can tell you though that my son (he’s in his 20s) has had harassment from women, sometimes in the street (once when he was just 17) and work. He’s quite a muscly guy and the number of certain type of women who think it’s okay to squeeze his biceps has quite astonished me. It does happen to men too, I didn’t realise the extent until it happened to him. And men often don’t feel like they can report either, or at least my son didn’t, he felt embarrassed. Like he’s meant to take it as a compliment??

Assault/harassment is never okay whatever gender you are.

I’m shocked that no one did anything to help me either. I think that people didn’t care as it wasn’t their problem. Also, it was at a place full of ghetto people mostly & I suspect that some of the people there didn’t like me, idk.

I definitely would’ve called the cops on him now. I would’ve quit that job too if nothing was done to fire him.

I was quiet & kept to myself. They might’ve thought that I was stuck up. What happened to your son isn’t OK. Some women are inappropriate like that. Did he ever tell them to stop?

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