[pinkbutterfly]

So...I've been applying for jobs like CRAZY...but NOTHING.

Problem is on paper I look bad...because I was a stay at home mom for 11 years. And I had a couple of part time jobs throughout that time.

I need a job...but I can't just go work at a store or fast food place. I have some really bad hip and foot issues, so standing on my feet for more than 3-4 hours at a time.

I'm in school right now. Working on my Master's degree in Professional Counseling. I am thankful and surprised that I found an internship site to start next August. So that is good. Now I have to find a clinical supervisor. but that's another thing.

For now, I have been thrown into a financial tailspin...found out because my soon-to-be-ex got kicked out of the military before finishing his 4 year recommitment after transferring his GI Bill benefits (he was involuntarily discharged - but honorably, then six months later got full 100% VA disability). So two years AFTER his discharge we find out. After I have been in school. So they aren't paying this semesters tuition and fees which I will have to figure out how to pay (student loans already maxed for the year). AND I now will not be getting the $900+/month I was expecting. Oh...and they are telling me I have to pay back $14,000 they have paid out for my schooling.

So I NEED a job. I have two kids. Their dad provides some support but not enough. I get food stamps. And my rent is paid through February of 2015.

I just don't know what to do. I need a job, but no one will hire me because I look like crap on paper. I have a 3.97 GPA in graduate school (darn Research/stats class got an A-) with over 60 credits. I am smart. I am good at school.

BUT....I have anxiety and panic attacks, depression on an extreme level, PTSD....these things have gotten really bad in the past four years. I don't even know if I could function in a job. I'm so scared. Just the thought of trying to work full time (or even part time) makes my anxiety increase.

I feel so incompetent. And it is really discoursing when just about everything is online -- so I can apply apply apply. Then I go back in a few days later and it says "not selected" or "not qualified"

I don't know if I am just venting...or need suggestions (I suppose those are always helpful).

[roads]

Dear pinkbutterfly,

You poor sweetie, you're overwhelmed in a major tsunami way. Who wouldn't be?

The first thing I'd suggest is double checking (with a lawyer preferably) whether or not you really do have to repay all that money. Just because someone said so doesn't necessarily make it true. Look for a pro bono lawyer first. Verify each of these awful things you've been told. If you're still married, some of it doesn't make sense.

If there's any sort of support group for former military spouses, find them. You need to find people who've been through this. Stop feeling like a victim--you did nothing to bring this down on yourself and your kids. Be polite, stay calm ( lots of deep breaths), but you are in a fight for your future.

Take no one's word for anything. Verify everything with an authority, and get everything in writing.

Make a priority list and see whether there's any "give" anywhere ... also start scouring the Internet for grants for women returning to school or doing grad work. There are lots of small ones out there, $500 here, $1000 there.

Find something that brings you an oasis of peace for 30-45 min a day. Meditation, dance, music ... Make this time yours, to lower your blood pressure and preserve your sanity.

If you can, maintain as friendly a relationship as possible with your soon-to-be-ex.

Roads

[pinkbutterfly]

Thanks, roads. There is a waiver process and that's where we have to start...but it will take a while to find that out. And yes, we're still technically married -- living apart, but no official paperwork anywhere.

I already have bill collectors calling me 10-15 times a day. I just can't answer even because I have nothing to pay them with and no prospect of when I can.

I had an interview back in November for a work study position at the library. At the interview they asked me to consider a full time staff position. After telling me about it, they asked me what I would like. I told them my preference would be for the full time position, but that I would take the work study job. They called me and asked me to go online and fill out the staff application. Then they emailed me and said that they were just running background check and to check back with them in a week. I did. I called. Left a voicemail. No response. Then a couple days later I emailed. No response. Then a week or two later I emailed again. No response. No clue what happened. Did something happen with my background check? Did they run my credit and see that it was horrible?

And yes, I am trying to keep things very amicable with the boys' dad. He did say he would try to help me how he could, but that's not saying much...not sure to what extent the reality of his help will be.

I'm just so stressed and overwhelmed. Trying to find an oasis of peace in my life...that sounds really nice...my head just won't shut up.