I have a few problems that are giving me grief.

My mother recently passed and I am left to clean out her house, sell it and close the estate. I am already procrastinating. Truth is, I hate my mom's house because it was more important to her than her children. My dad died young trying to add on and pay for an addition to it. Somehow, I have to find the energy to do this.

Worse, I am being bombarded by head hunters and corporations looking to interview me for work. I want to return to work full-time. (I'm currently on SSDI.) It's so frustrating to have to turn down interviews because of that F'ing house. I really want to interview. Should I?

Finally, at my last 2 jobs I worked for sociopaths. One in particular gives all former employees negative reviews. It has impeded me getting a job even though I am a very nice guy and a very hard worker. Now, no one will hire me. Finally, I am hiring a private investigator to record evidence of what they are saying. That will enable me to possibly file a law suit. So far, attorneys have not wanted to take my case because they are difficult to prove and the court damages awarded are low. I'll do anything to work again so last night I emailed the P.I. with questions and specific requests of what is to be done.

Comments? Thoughts? Suggestions?

[monkeybrains21]

Firstly get the house done as fast as possible the longer it takes u to start the longer it will take. As for the PI and work issue, that's tough. U should interview as much as possible. Yes ur old boss gives crappy reviews, try and work around it. Give examples or show proof of how good a worker u are. I don't know if it's any help but hopefully others will post and give u better advice.

[winter4me]

If you can afford it, have someone else take care of the house. Or, if you can afford it, let it go. Drop it.
Take the work you want. You do not Have to do the house first, or all at once, or at all for that matter. (& get a realtor in to give you an "as is" price after you take anything you actually want)
Don't let the parental home mess up your options.
(advice to take or leave)

I am going to apply for a part-time job this weekend. Working is best for my sanity. The estate will have to wait for weekends.

Thanks for your comments; they are much appreciated.

[Perna]

Is there some reason you have to hurry on the house (multiple siblings clamoring, for example)? I would make some sort of plan for my life in the next year, goals like getting a job and getting the house cleaned (whether by you or others) and work on them in my own schedule.

Were the sociopath bosses the only people in the company you worked for? I would just give a phone/name of someone else in generic forms you have to fill out if you can. You can say/pretend you thought your boss had left, just give the "personnel" name/number, etc. All they can say nowadays to avoid suing is to confirm what they are asked by people, "yes, they worked X date to Y date", "Yes, they got $ salary" stuff like that. If you are talking reference, I wouldn't give that guy; give a customer that you liked and that liked you, that sort of arrangement. They "know" you and your work. If it was only that guy and you, I'd put the company name and not fill in the rest; in your resume you just put company name and your title; they can try to find the guy if they want, they probably won't and when they do his attitude toward you (if he wants to risk being sued) will probably tell them why you did not give them the info.

I would not bother hiring a PI as there really is nothing they can find. It's not like phone calls are recorded or anything and people who do not hire you are not going to say it is for that reason, etc. My boss at an association I worked for was sued by a black man and the guy was all but laughed out of court (since there were multiple blacks working for the association who were quite ready to stand up for my boss and against the black man). So, even if you get a lawyer to try, there's no money in it (especially after you pay a PI and a lawyer :-) and usually it is just to get one "reinstated" at a job, not to get damages or anything. If you were not hired, there's no event there; people can give any/all reasons for not hiring you and not any way you can prove you would be a better choice than who they chose so that they clearly should have chosen you but did not because of this one guy's reference.

I think the lawyers are probably right about suing but there are ways to address what that guy is saying. First get a friend to call for a reference instead of hiring an investigator because you could be worrying about nothing. I'm sure you know he can't say anything negative. This would look badly to an ethical company asking for a reference too.

2nd search the internet for ways to deal with being fired or a bad ref. one thing is you can just come clean and say he isn't going to give a good ref. it is honest and it is a chance to let them know things they always want know. For example how do you handle a challenging situation? What could you have done differently? (If you can't think of something make it up.) If you have a ref from a peer use that. My first job in my current career ended badly and I was able to make it an asset by how I addressed it so it doesn't matter how many jobs or how long it has been.

Then I'd take the investigator money and hire somebody to clean the house. Better yet see if you can take a percent off the realtor commission and let them go to town. It's better if a professional stages it anyway. If you have some skills to trade you could also advertise on Craig's list. Like a website for a small cleaning company in exchange.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

This is the story in more detail. When I was hired, I was warned by 2 people I did not know (one was the building doorman, the other another paralegal with the firm), that several employees - including the senior partner - would treat me badly, fire me and then give negative references so that no one would hire me. I later found out that the office manager was the senior partner's same-sex longtime lover. Consequently, she looked out for her regardless of how bad her behavior was because she had a vested interest to do so.

I will give one example: One problem employee came up to me while working on a project in the conference room. She insisted that I answer a question: do I sleep around? I dodged the question as long as I could but she would not stop. Finally, as I had deadlines, I said to myself, what's the harm of saying you don't sleep around? So, that's what I said. She immediately became offended. She claimed that she believed in free love and that my thoughts were harassing her. (!!!) That's ridiculous I thought. Later, I was asked to move my desk out of her sight. I refused; I did not believe I'd done anything wrong. Now, don't forget, the person she complained to was an attorney who knew better.

When I finally landed another job after this, the office manager at the problem firm asked me who my new employer was - probably to alter their decision to hire me. I refused to provide an answer. Also, they called a former employer of mine and told them I was violent (I complained about how I was being treated / harassed but was never violent.) and made them hesitant to give me references. This was blatantly illegal.

I am not the only person the firm has done this to. I am considering filing a complaint with the attorney general's office. I think the evidence of negative reviews will confirm my complaint and spur the Attorney General to get involved in the matter.

Originally Posted by unguy

negative references so that no one would hire me

Believing this is part of your problem.

You can do file a complaint. I just wouldn't make it a priority before the things that affect your future. Getting a new job and selling that house sound to me like they are more important, no? Their negative references really doesn't look good to other companies. They are only supposed to confirm you worked there. The worse they behave the worse it looks for them the more likely it is that the new employer will ignore them. That's why I say be straight up and just say they don't plan to give a good reference. When they call and the reference is bad they know you were honest. That is infinitely more valuable then trying to avoid the issue.

Filing a complaint: Think carefully about this. If you file a complaint now you look like a whistle-blower. Between you and I that is admirable. As soon as the old company finds out they shut up. Great. But it won't help you get a job. The problem is if the new company finds out they have no idea who is right or wrong only that you filed a complaint and are disgruntled. Nobody wants to risk hiring somebody who will take them to court.

6 months into the new job knowing you love the new company is not too late to file if you feel strongly about it and want to help others. The next time you look for a job you will have great references and the complaint won't affect you. Right now is a really bad idea.

And why would you be talking to the manager after you left anyway?

Just so you know... I had a nasty situation where someone accused me of stealing and they believed her. She undermined a lot of stuff behind my back. I don't even know why she was threatened by me. Anyway I left, heartbroken because it was something I really loved. Sure enough 1 year later I'm reading the newspapers and a critic is writing this story about this person who sent him a fax complaining about the "incompetence" of the FOUNDER. The only problem is she inadvertently sent the fax from her personal computer with her name on it. It's a small community. I have no doubt being in good graces with the founder was way more important than some intern. I have never seen her name anywhere since. So her character caught up with her. It didn't help me but there was some satisfaction anyway

[live2ski66]

Originally Posted by unguy

I have a few problems that are giving me grief.

My mother recently passed and I am left to clean out her house, sell it and close the estate. I am already procrastinating. Truth is, I hate my mom's house because it was more important to her than her children. My dad died young trying to add on and pay for an addition to it. Somehow, I have to find the energy to do this.

Worse, I am being bombarded by head hunters and corporations looking to interview me for work. I want to return to work full-time. (I'm currently on SSDI.) It's so frustrating to have to turn down interviews because of that F'ing house. I really want to interview. Should I?

Finally, at my last 2 jobs I worked for sociopaths. One in particular gives all former employees negative reviews. It has impeded me getting a job even though I am a very nice guy and a very hard worker. Now, no one will hire me. Finally, I am hiring a private investigator to record evidence of what they are saying. That will enable me to possibly file a law suit. So far, attorneys have not wanted to take my case because they are difficult to prove and the court damages awarded are low. I'll do anything to work again so last night I emailed the P.I. with questions and specific requests of what is to be done.

Comments? Thoughts? Suggestions?

Hi, your current situation is my future nightmare: having to deal with my mothers properties and useless stuff in a 3rd World Dump Country. What I have started to do is tell all of my relatives as clearly as I can and in writing that I want absolutely nothing of that misery. I've even told my mother and brother.
Do you have the option to hire a company that specializes in cleaning out homes, selling the property and helping you settle the estate without you being involved 24x7? I don't know if they exist. If they don't I'm sure it would be a valuable business.
As for your psycho boss, I had one of those. "Luckily" when I left his employment I went into my first BPD and MDD crisis. Ten years later when I was in a position to look for a new job, the SSOB was long gone, unfortunately not 6ft under. Could you take the offensive and maybe get corroboration from fellow victims and write a blurb about your ex-boss' actions? In my care, I worked for government and managers were forbidden from giving references, only HR could give a reference and it was always very generic.
Finally, if you want a new job, and head hunters are "hunting you", go for it! It's hard enough to get a job when all your ducks are lined up. The house and estate won't go away, the SSOB hasn't died, go for the new opportunities.

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by unguy

This is the story in more detail. When I was hired, I was warned by 2 people I did not know (one was the building doorman, the other another paralegal with the firm), that several employees - including the senior partner - would treat me badly, fire me and then give negative references so that no one would hire me. I later found out that the office manager was the senior partner's same-sex longtime lover. Consequently, she looked out for her regardless of how bad her behavior was because she had a vested interest to do so.

I will give one example: One problem employee came up to me while working on a project in the conference room. She insisted that I answer a question: do I sleep around? I dodged the question as long as I could but she would not stop. Finally, as I had deadlines, I said to myself, what's the harm of saying you don't sleep around? So, that's what I said. She immediately became offended. She claimed that she believed in free love and that my thoughts were harassing her. (!!!) That's ridiculous I thought. Later, I was asked to move my desk out of her sight. I refused; I did not believe I'd done anything wrong. Now, don't forget, the person she complained to was an attorney who knew better.

When I finally landed another job after this, the office manager at the problem firm asked me who my new employer was - probably to alter their decision to hire me. I refused to provide an answer. Also, they called a former employer of mine and told them I was violent (I complained about how I was being treated / harassed but was never violent.) and made them hesitant to give me references. This was blatantly illegal.

I am not the only person the firm has done this to. I am considering filing a complaint with the attorney general's office. I think the evidence of negative reviews will confirm my complaint and spur the Attorney General to get involved in the matter.

There is insanity out there...if it weren't so true--- If you are up for taking action---GO FOR IT!!! Someone must sometime.

I sent out two resumes today. My fingers are crossed. I will send out another tomorrow.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and comments.

[winter4me]

We will ALL keep our fingers and toes crossed. You will get a job. Hang in there.

[Gus1234U]

you might call a consignment store, or an estate auction, and let them do the heavy lifting ,,, getting rid of things you don't want or need. are you selling the house, or moving into it ? leave it 'furnished'.

as for work references, is there a co-worker you can use instead of the boss ? you can explain in the interview that there was friction between you and the boss, and you prefer they hear how you were perceived by co-workers.

i find that multi-tasking is greatly over rated. it's better to do one thing at a time, and focus , than to do too many things and loose focus.

it's hard enough to loose a mother, even one you didn't like, or who didn't like you.... but to clean up after them is even harder.
Gus