[FourEyesAK]

So, my job has soured (you can see my previous post in this forum) and my boss and are are not working well together. I've made the decision to put in my notice tomorrow and I am completely terrified over how this may be received by my boss. I've been highly anxious all weekend over it, running the past couple of months over and over again in my head.

I don't want to leave on a bad note, but I want to acknowledge that we are not a good fit as a team. Maybe my boss will be relieved because she sees me as a problem employee - I don't really care - I just want to wrap up my work in the next couple of weeks as best I can and leave without having a bad review on my record and still being eligible for rehire should I decide to return to the company.

I've talked my mother's ear off about my anxieties, my poor husband has had his fill. I *know* all this anxiety is unproductive and unhealthy, but I can't seem to turn it off. So, I'm here trying to alleviate some of my anxieties here.

On top of it all, I feel like a failure. I'm 35 years old and was unable to make this job situation work. I feel like I should have been able to find a solution, but every time I thought we were just beginning to work well together, my boss would fly off the handle at me. All I have now is rock bottom self-esteem and a fragile mental state that has me crying at the least bit of disapproval or criticism.

I don't know. I'm so unsure of myself. Am I doing the right thing? My mother assures me that I am, but she's not exactly an impartial observer. I have a coworker who is afraid that I will have a mental breakdown if I don't find another job. And this boss has a history of chewing up and spitting out employees which a number of sources have told me. I've just never had a contentious relationship with a boss before and I just dearly hope we can part ways professionally.

Anyways, I could talk myself in circles all night long and it's not going to make tomorrow or the next couple of weeks any easier, so thanks for taking the time read my post. I welcome any insight or comments

[Perna]

Do you have another job lined up? I would find another job that looks like it will fit you better at this time in your life and then leaving the old job is a more "natural" thing. Jobs and working with certain other people do not fit us forever. Try not to take it so personally; we cannot become friends with all the people we meet or even all the people we would like to be friends with (they may not be available to us because of their own lives). I had a boss that I could not "change" but I stayed on, even after my therapist warned me that might not be a good idea, because I had my own agenda and things I exploring and learning from the situation for myself. Concentrate on yourself and what you want and need rather than on the other person and things can seem lots easier.

I know what you mean about being afraid putting in notice; I deliberately spent 10 years taking and quitting part-time and temporary jobs just to get more familiar with that: the interview to get hired and telling my boss I was quitting.

[Little Lulu]

Change works best for me when I feel I am going toward something rather than away from something, especially if I am rooted in anger and fear. So maybe this is all about perspective - you've sized this situation up and it isn't healthy for you and you are leaving to seek something that feels healthier and feeds your spirit.

Giving a notice and serving it out is important. Years ago I left a job without giving a notice and I felt like a failure afterward.

Best wishes - I hope this works to your advantage.

[Aloneandafraid]

I really feel for you. I am working out notice (I have two weeks to go) and it has been hell. I think I am about to break. I was told I was going to be made redundant in July but I have foregone redundancy (a very small amount) and have resigned as the atmosphere was intolerable. I feel a failure for not seeing it through but I am in pieces. I probably could have got time off for stress or something but I haven't. I still want to do a good job and end on good terms but it is so hurtful.

I have found myself another job which I am doing part time at the moment and will up the hours once my current job ends. This has helped but I think I have rushed into it too quickly. I have no support from my H - he is only concerned about the pay cheque at the end of the month. I seriously feel close to tears continually. I just want to run away.

Good luck with your decision. I am sorry I haven't been more helpful or positive - I just wanted to share as I am going through something very similar and I know how much it hurts. xx

My advice is pretty similar to what I said to marshalette. First I did not settle on a career until 38 and when I did it took very little time to excel simply because I had chosen something the fit relatively well.

My take is you are taking a lot of the blame for not fitting in. Not all careers are for all people and for people like us I think it is particularly important to find something that fits you. If you have access to a career counselor I would suggest talking to them but there is also plenty resources online. What color is your parachute is a good place to start. I believe the book starts with having you write down the things that you liked and hated about your various jobs and eventually turns those into skills. From there you the object is to find a career. That's an overview. It takes some time.

To give you an idea I majored in art aiming for nonprofit administration. Not a very good choice for me. I then discovered through some trial and error that database engineering was a better choice and got certified. I used that book to get there. I then found a long time enduring politics is not for me so I ended up settling on contract positions. I'm really not good with politics . That kept me busy for over 10 years.

So don't give up. You are nowhere near too old for finding something that fits. I think you might need some more formal guidance is all.

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[hvert]

I hope giving your notice went well! It sounds like you are doing the right thing based on your situation. A bad boss can really wreak havoc with your self esteem. It feels awful now, but in a month or two you'll wonder why you put up with it for as long as you did

I don't think you need to tell your boss why you are leaving. If it comes to it, just say it's a bad fit or some other vague thing. It will be much easier to get a good reference if you leave as pleasantly as possible-- and why add more stress to the situation by confronting your boss?

I would not give more than a two week notice. I did the last time because I felt guilty about quitting. It was a mistake. It meant four weeks of abuse and hostility as opposed to two weeks.

Congrats on your new future! It is a hard step to take, but once you get it over with, you will feel so good!

[FourEyesAK]

Aloneandafraid, I'm sorry you're going through something similar. It's so difficult when you work so hard and an employer treats you like dirt.

Thank you for sharing. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I hope you're able to find a better job situation with employers that actually care about their employees.

[FourEyesAK]

Well, I did it. I put in my notice.

My boss acted surprised and spent the better part of an hour trying to convince me to change my mind. All of a sudden I was the best assistant she had ever had, that I was doing so well and showing so much growth. I was reminded of an article I read over the weekend, Corporate Stockholm Syndrome | Psychology Today and I couldn't help but feel like my situation was similar, yet it didn't prevent me from feeling like crap the rest of the day. A coworker of mine who has been a real source of support and a confidant said I was doing the right thing. She has worked with my boss for 15 years and has seen her burn through a number of assistants over the years.

My back is actually sore from today's stress. And I am sad because I'll be otherwise leaving a lot of great people. But, I've taken the first step and hopefully to a brighter future.

[Perna]

I would have been too tempted to ask where her good comments had been all along? Good for you getting done what you wanted. Sorry about the sore back; I use to get a really bad stiff neck every time I started a job, for the first week or two; made starting a job heck since it was all new and stressful to begin with, never mind hurting like that!

[Marshellette]

You won't be so terrified a year after you quit. They won't even remember you.

[Lynnalice]

Originally Posted by FourEyesAK

So, my job has soured (you can see my previous post in this forum) and my boss and are are not working well together. I've made the decision to put in my notice tomorrow and I am completely terrified over how this may be received by my boss. I've been highly anxious all weekend over it, running the past couple of months over and over again in my head.

I don't want to leave on a bad note, but I want to acknowledge that we are not a good fit as a team. Maybe my boss will be relieved because she sees me as a problem employee - I don't really care - I just want to wrap up my work in the next couple of weeks as best I can and leave without having a bad review on my record and still being eligible for rehire should I decide to return to the company.

I've talked my mother's ear off about my anxieties, my poor husband has had his fill. I *know* all this anxiety is unproductive and unhealthy, but I can't seem to turn it off. So, I'm here trying to alleviate some of my anxieties here.

On top of it all, I feel like a failure. I'm 35 years old and was unable to make this job situation work. I feel like I should have been able to find a solution, but every time I thought we were just beginning to work well together, my boss would fly off the handle at me. All I have now is rock bottom self-esteem and a fragile mental state that has me crying at the least bit of disapproval or criticism.

I don't know. I'm so unsure of myself. Am I doing the right thing? My mother assures me that I am, but she's not exactly an impartial observer. I have a coworker who is afraid that I will have a mental breakdown if I don't find another job. And this boss has a history of chewing up and spitting out employees which a number of sources have told me. I've just never had a contentious relationship with a boss before and I just dearly hope we can part ways professionally.

Anyways, I could talk myself in circles all night long and it's not going to make tomorrow or the next couple of weeks any easier, so thanks for taking the time read my post. I welcome any insight or comments

Sorry to hear that you have such a horrible boss...mental issues are real and can really deplete our energies, ambitions and skills. I suffer from depresssion and anxiety and don't know what brings it on but it does feel lousy. You are not alone and maybe reach out to other people who experience what you do. Good luck.

[Nicks_Nose]

I have also handed in a resignation at my present employer due to it not being the right fit. The culture of the work place and the work ethics I have learned in my line of work do not match. What the management of my present employer does, does not match what I have always been taught SHOULD be done. So, I am leaving my present job also. The press and conflict has already placed me in hospital twice.

You are doing the right thing. No job is worth keeping if it leads to an unhealthy relationship. It is not your fault. It is not my fault. It is simply a difference of personalities. Good luck in your future endeavours. I'm hoping for better things for both of us.

[Lbelle]

I can completely relate! I have three kids to support and I'm 32 and have two part time jobs going no where. I want to make my husband and kids and self proud. No insurance or benefits and there is no full time jobs available it seems. You are brave for standing up for what you want and it's probably what I need to do too...

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[Rose76]

Sounds like you need to move on. Leaving on a good note is something you'll never regret. I've done it both ways, and I recommend not trying to settle scores on the way out. Some employers give what they call an "exit interview." They encourage you to tell them anything negative you have to say. Don't take the bait. Stick with the "bad fit" story. Thank them for giving you the opportunity to have worked there. Maintaining your composure in that way can actually feel self-empowering.

Yesterday I ran into somebody at work that I worked with at a different company for a short time. She let it go too long and blew up a couple times before they let her go. Now she has a new job and told me she is in a much better place. She's got a different kind of job role and everything. It really does get better

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[FourEyesAK]

Well, I'm am officially no longer employed. The voices in my head are screaming that I'm totally crazy and I caught myself several times today worrying about not being there, what my former boss thinks and how anxious and bad I still feel.

I secretly hoped that I would feel somehow magically better, but I think I kind of knew that I would be dealing with the aftermath of this whole mess. I've read the some people actually experience a form of PTSD after having had a terrible boss or scenario happen to them. I don't want to carry that kind of baggage with me to a new employer.

Hopefully, I can take some time and learn how to be me again rather than a nervous wreck.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's a tiny chapter in your life. Think self care . It's spring. Try to take advantage of any time you have off and do something you enjoy whether it be going to a museum or walking in the city or gardens.

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[Rose76]

I can totally believe that a bad employment experience can leave you with a form of emotional trauma. It happened to me.

Take a break, but try to be doing something most days, so you don't fall into a funk and end up with too much inertia to face going back to work somewhere.