ashamed of my "career"

I've never felt like I measured up or could stand up to scrutiny in this world, well my little part of it, anyway (curse of an ACoA). And until my parents die, I am stuck here because I will not move away from the area and abandon them in their old age. My one sister followed her fiance (at the time) overseas and ended up staying there and starting a family with another ex-pat. I feel some resentment that she is gone and doesn't have to witness our parents grow old and die up close the way my sisters and I will... but I digress...

Whether we like it or not, it matters what people think of us. Just having a degree or skills is not enough in this "what have you done... lately" society. You have to "fit in". You have to prove you worked consistently in your field/duties at a high level, prove others think highly of you (references), your wage level must be high enough, you must show you didn't stagnate at one level too long or hop from one job to another in a short span of time. What about those of us who don't strive to meet all the demands of this highly competitive, narcissistic, wage slavery work culture? Things are made very difficult for us. I was never good enough growing up and it has cursed me ever since. I cringe at the thought of ever again attempting to squeeze my square peg into that round hole. But I may end up dying; destitute and alone because of it.

Why is this all so very hard for me?

Sorry if I took this issue off in a serious, sad tangent. I am just inclined to think more philosophically about these things. Yes, I've often been told I think too much.

No problem, StongerMan. I love talking philosophically and listening to others' philosophies.

Just an update--I got some good writing gigs for my freelancing yesterday. I am excited. It felt good to tell other people about them, but I know that I shouldn't focus on what other people think. I need to learn to be happy about the good news without looking for validation from others, I guess.

Congrats on the writing gigs, krminnj!

It was reinforced in me early on that nothing I did was good enough, or worth getting excited about. So I grew up doing things on my own primarily for my own enjoyment. The negative side of that is I feel much less craving for social interaction; I came to avoid both the approval and/or disapproval of others. This has become very crippling for me especially in my work life. I believe caring what others think (guilt, shame, empathy, fear of abandonment) is a crucial motivating force in our lives. But abuse victims are often motivated to turn inward rather than outward where the help exists.

Never be ashamed of who you are or what you do.

If we live our lives with integrity we have NOTHING to be ashamed of!...we have to de-program ourselves of the lies that were told to us; they weren't about US, but about the negative/abusers.

Yes, de-program. It is so difficult though, especially when still connected to the family in which the distortions were told or were swept under the rug because they seemed insurmountable. I often wish I'd have developed traits like extreme narcissism where I was driven by what others thought of me to "succeed" at all costs. Instead, I learned to hide from the scary outside world of scrutiny. I really don't know which is worse. So many around me are "succeeding" (good job, married w/family, own a home) despite being outwardly soulless and selfish. But maybe my way of coping appears just as outwardly soulless to others and leaves me just as miserable, but with no career compass to at least support myself comfortably. Shame...